January Blues

It seems to me that a lot of fellow bloggers are battling emotionally. For those in the same boat as me (repeated IVF failure), its hard to deal with the reflections of 2009 and trying to look forward with optimism to 2010. The festive season, it appears, was hard for a lot of us. Im still battling. I wanted to make an appointment to see my therapist but I just don’t have the energy to go over there and speak to her (she’s at my old clinic and I think that’s another reason why I don’t want to go there). Maybe Ill call her.

We see our new FS next week Wednesday. The plan is that we want to try another IVF, using our own gametes. I haven’t had any stim meds since last year January so Im hoping that I can produce some nice eggs. We want to try PICSI this time round and also want to do the sperm DNA test that this clinic offers. I think going to a new clinic gives us a bit more hope, oh and its cheaper, so less time needed to save. We are looking at an April cycle, just as the astrologer said. If this cycle works I’ll fly to London and kiss her myself.  

Ive started googling “egg quality” half to death. Ive started eating my carbs before 3pm to try and help with the insulin spike at night interfering with the growth hormone. Im on Vit E, C, omegas, antioxidants and Wheatgrass.

B.R.I.N.G-I.T-O.N. Any other suggestions on how to improve egg quality?  

So, this is me – gearing up for IVF #7. Lucky 7 I believe. Its strange that after a year of conditioning my mind towards donor egg, now we will be using my own eggs again. I think I gave up too quickly on myself. I wanted a baby so much and I was pretty certain DE would be the key and now I see that perhaps it isn’t. If I am honest with myself, it would mean the world to me to be able to have a child that is genetically mine and DH’s but if that is not meant to be then Im OK with that too. This is all a journey but what I wouldn’t give for a magic crystal ball.

New Year, Same Thoughts

I have a thousand different things going on in my head. Ive been back from my holiday and back in civilisation (read: internet connection) since Saturday and have wanted to update my blog since then and every time I start a post I end up just stopping because what can I actually say? Not much. Maybe I should wish everyone a Happy New Year? But then how happy is it? 2009 sucked big time but then 2008 sucked even more.

Im glad the festive season is over, Im glad to be back home in the comfort of my own home, doing my own thing and not having to answer to my parents again (its really draining staying at ones parents house).

The holidays started with a bang. A big bang in the form of another cycle down the drain. I obviously hadn’t been drinking since I started cycling way back then so I hit the booze hard. It was great, well not really. Hangovers aren’t not that great. I’d rather have morning sickness but I digress… Christmas Day was spent with 20 family members and 1 baby. I had to watch as my parents held and played and filmed and photographed her. It hurt. A LOT. The tears were prickling behind my eyelids for most of the day. I have started on AD’s again and thank goodness I have because I swear it was that bad.  I used to love Christmas, it was one of my favourite times of the year but now its just another day to get through.  

We were invited to the baby christening which we declined to go to. I got some words from my mother for that. She told me “its not the baby’s fault” which got me huffy as who’s fault is it then? Certainly not mine.

New Years was a nightmare. Lets just say it turned messy and I hated bringing in the new year like that. Every year I wonder “is this going to be the year?” and this year I didn’t think anything, infact 2010 clicked in without much of a second thought. Needless to say the first 2 days of this year passed in a guilt trip of note. Finally I snapped myself out of it making myself believe that 2010 will be a better year, it has to be, please let it be.

This is my horoscope for 2010, it sounds better than I feel:

Year 2010 Overview

Taurus always gets tagged with things like “pleasure-seeking” and “materialistic.” That’s probably unfair, in most cases. You’re just as good at dishing out the pleasure as you are at seeking it, and who doesn’t like a few nice things around? Sadly, there’s been just too much struggle in your life the last couple of years when it comes to those two very important parts of your life. Thankfully, 2010 marks the end of that long uphill struggle. Your pleasurable pursuits have been a little more restricted than you’d like over the course of the last two years or so. That’s over with now, so … game on!

The big events this year will not so much be a matter of major happenings as they will be things that have been in the works and are slowly revealing themselves. In the last two years, you’ve put a lot of work into what makes you happy, while Saturn transited your solar Fifth House. Now that those pressures are finally being relieved, you’ll find you are finally gaining traction. Certainly, your love life and your career will feel the difference, but beyond that you’ll notice things going a lot better in other departments of your life. You may have already noticed some of these changes starting to kick in; the real results start happening around your birthday in 2010.

Anxious Annie

Im not sure what is wrong with me. I feel so anxious and even a bit depressed. I stopped taking my Ci.lift a few weeks ago and thought that is was so easy to stop, I didnt feel any different but now I have such alot of anxiety.

Work at the moment is boring me and that is not a good sign because when I get bored, I serach the net and when I search the net I find pregnancy sites and blogs and that means a good dose of depression. Im wondering if maybe this is what is causing the anxiety.

We have a plan going forward and Im looking forward to it but you know how it goes as you start a new cycle, there is always a bit of anticipation, hopefulness and terror. It could be from this aswell.

Im just not doing too well today and I hate feeling this way.

Emotional See-saw

Ive been busy, really really busy. Work, sisters wedding plans, being away, going away some more etc. Its been good. Im still taking my little white tablet each night but just pushing whatever emotions come up to a far corner.

Yesterday we were travelling back from KZN. We started some chit-chat over the upcoming cycle and I realised that I actually havent really given it much thought. I mean we start in about 2 weeks. Im unhealthy, fat, drink too much etc etc etc. By this time of each previous cycle Im gyming, eating well, loosing weight, taking vitamins. It just seems like such a huge effort. Its never helped me in the past so I just dont see the point. I then started feeling guilty that Im not taking this more seriously, by the time we got home I was crying, sobbing infact. Fighting with DH, throwing my toys out and went to bed with puffy eyes. not.good.

So Im trying to get a grip on my emotions, trying not to let them get to me, go with the flow yet still try and be serious about the upcoming cycle. I know this makes no sense what-so-ever but Im really trying, trying to just keep my head above water. Im treading water yet I feel like just sinking to the bottom and just be done with this now. So melodramatic I know…… 🙂

Feeling low (again!)

So I saw an old friend over the weekend. She is visiting from the UK. It was so so so so good to see her again, just catch up and chill with her. We even made a stupid video of drinking shooters and loaded up on You-Tube. It was so great to just feel “normal” again. No baby talk, pregnancy mention etc etc. Then today it comes down like a ton of bricks – back to the grind, back to reality and back to just trying to keep my head above water.

Then I made the mistake of Googling my DH’s blood pressure and cholesterol pills and the effect on sperm – not good. Google is actually so effing crap. Its out to scare you. 

I actually sometimes just wonder what am I doing? Sometimes I just want to throw the towel in, say fuck it and get on with life BUT its impossible. I just go round and round and round and round and round and round, making myself dizzy in the process. Bottom line I always come to is I want to be a mother more than anything but shees getting there is just about killing me.

I read a couple of forums including Parents Via Egg Donation (PVED) and this topic came up about doubting whether to have a baby or just carry on with life, just accept what you have. This is the post that really touched me, which I want to share with you:

“You don’t really loose the peace and quiet, but you change to a different kind of peace. The peace you feel when your child is asleep in your arms. The peace you feel when he or she is laying in the playpen and smiling at you while you read a book, and the peace you feel when he or she was sreaming and you managed somehow to calm the baby and there it is overwhelming joy and love you feel.

Yes,  you will have less time to sleep, go out, read and pretty much anything else as well and you might have to start reading lips in order to understand a word of your favorite TV show while the baby is screaming but than at the point where the dark circles under your eyes always reach down to your knees and every piece of clothing you own smells like sour milk and the last time you ate out was in the car driving your baby to the doctor for yet another checkup – at the point when you think you are too tired to stay on your feet a second longer – that’s when it it going to hit you…..this is your miracle, this baby is really yours and nothing else matters.”

Such beautiful words, THIS is why Im doing this – to experience motherhood. I want it so badly I can taste it but at the same time Im terrified and scared for this upcoming cycle. You see being the typical A Type personality I want to try and control everything so now because my eggs are no longer an issue I need to control the sperm quality. I feel like Im going overboard with my DH. I spent R700 at Dischem last week on vitamin supplements for him. I wish I could just chill and just take it as it comes but Im finding it really difficult. I just dont know how to stop the obsession of becoming a mother.