Strange Behaviour

So today, a lady I work with is celebrating her b-day. She is a good friend so I baked her a cake. When I gave it to her she told me this long story about how she has been praying and praying for something (didn’t elaborate too much, but I know it has to do with her ex) and that she asked God that she needed this “thing” to happen before her birthday or else she would loose all faith in Him. So apparently last night whatever it was she was praying about came true and she was bouncing around proclaiming that everyone must pray to get whatever they want. Then she tells me that I need to keep praying to have a baby and that she has also been praying for us and that my problem is that I don’t believe enough that its going to happen. This kind of took me by surprise and Ive been thinking about it ever since. Maybe Im not “believing” enough (2 years of hard core fertility treatments kind of takes your belief away) but what kind of “gets” me even more is the fact that whatever it is that she prayed about has now been resolved and on her b-day nogal (For non-South Africans is mean “aswell”, but it sounds better in Afrikaans) – which is exactly what she asked God for.

 

Not only this but she also told God that she would cut her hair if her prayers were answered so she is now at the hair dresser having her hair cut. THEN she tells me if I want a baby badly enough I must make a “pact” with God to also cut my hair when I fall pregnant. Please tell me is this normal behaviour? Im so frikken desperate that the thought actually crossed my mind that maybe I should make the pact with God.

 

Lets break it down –

1. God is happy and willing to answer her prayers, so is my voice not heard?
2. It happened on the day she wanted, why cant the same happen for me? Should I just pick a day and expect good news that day?
3. Maybe my faith is not the greatest right now, but what do you expect? I feel like Im being kicked to the curb, left to fend for myself. Why did God put me on this earth if He didn’t intend for me to be a mother. I should have been a man then.
4. Im ticked off at this.
5. Im willing to cut my hair should I have a live, healthy baby. (Crazy, I know but Im putting it out there)

Where are the answers?

Im thinking about God. I saw on one of the forums that someone posted saying that they are no longer pursuing ART as a means to have a baby. The woman who posted has low AMH, never done IVF and her doc wants her to try IVF asap before the AMH declines any further. She also mentioned that she prayed about becoming a mother and God sent someone to tell her that she will have a baby.

 

Now these thoughts have been floating around in my head since reading that. How do you come to the decision to stop treatment? Are you 100% happy about the decision and wait patiently until a baby arrives (or maybe not?). If you are making this decision you may also need to face the fact that you may never have a baby of your own. You see I read into things a lot more than face value and if a stranger told me that I will definitely have a baby Im not sure if I will take this as a message coming from God? There I said it. Well then how do I know that God is communicating to me? Good question, one I don’t know the answer to (part of the reason Im blogging about this – to get your views….)

 

What if God meant that she will have a baby but perhaps not naturally, perhaps through ART, donor eggs or even adoption? How can we be certain of the path laid out for us? I take my hat off to anyone who waits patiently for their miracle sent by God, without seeking the help of a fertility specialist. Should I be doing the same? Perhaps this is half the problem – that Im so impatient, perhaps this is a lesson for me to learn???? Maybe I should also give up spending thousands and just learn to be more patient? Will we be able to conceive naturally with PCOS and MFI – maybe but maybe not.

 

What if you still waiting patiently at 40? Does that mean God doesn’t want you to have children? Then the many stories in the Bible of God blessing the womb of many woman is just that a story? Lets face it there are many women in this world who have been unable to conceive AT ALL so what about them? What if at 40 you realise that God’s message was misinterpreted by you – that you should have pursued ART more vigorous to have that baby that He promised?

 

So what about that saying – God helps those that help themselves? I feel like Im being pulled in so many different directions with all my thoughts. Wish I knew the answer to this one.