Im still around..

Just incase you were wondering, yes Im still around. I have alot going on, we are building an outside entertainment area which has taken up alot of my time, visiting Durban, Buying property, setting up a trust oh and trying to decide on our next treatment. Tonight I am consulting with a fertility astrologer who I am hoping will give me some insight into what treatment plan we should look at.

Last week we had our appointment with our new doctor, Dr LR. We both really like him and he seemed quite caring and concerned which I like in a doctor. Of course he didnt have a miracle cure for our issues which I was hoping for 🙂 but he did give us a run-down of our options – 1. IVF again in Cape Town, 2. DE in Cape Town, 3. Donor embryo transfer. I asked what the protocol would be for an IVF and he said that with the PCOS he has started stimming patients a little differently – he said that the meds given are vital to get a good quality egg. He would stim with a mixture of Gonal-F and Menopur, 2 amps each to start. Obviously Cetrotide when the follies get to around 14mm. He would try and grow the follies for a day or two longer than what Im used to to get them to be larger (around 20mm) and then trigger with Lucrin. He feels that sometimes the trigger may be given too early which is why my eggs dont have a good fertilisation rate – most are still too immature. The Lucrin trigger is to prevent OHSS and is prescribed for PCOS patients (which Ive never done before). All in all he gave us a 20 – 30% success rate, which is not too hot now is it? Now the question is – is it worth the chance? Im not sure it is.

I got my tax return yesterday – lets just say that its enough to pay for another whole IVF cycle, this just goes to show how much I have spent on treatment in the last year.

To be honest Im tired of it, really really tired of hitting my head against a brick wall. Ive been doing alot of thinking since my failed DE cycle, some good and some not so good. I used to walk around with this FEAR that I would never be a mom, an ache in my heart. Thats all gone. All that is left is tiredness, I dont feel mad, sad, angry, impatient, jealous nothing, just tired. I know deep, deep down that I will never give up and that I WILL be a mom one day but somehow that intense feeling of “when?, why me? and what now?” is just not there anymore. Its hard to explain.

I attended a course not so long ago where the presenter said the following: “Fear of failure should not be the driving force for what you do”, it resonanted so deeply with me that I nearly burst out crying. Thats how Ive been living, fearing the possibility of failure, of not being able to conceive, of not being something that I was created to do with all my being and soul. But I refuse to let fear of failure be the driving force in my life. Another thing I have learnt is that there will always be a way, always someone to help you, always options. Im amazed at how many people have offered to help me in some or other way, given me ideas of what my next step should be, offered their eggs to me. I used to think that there was only 1 way of becoming a mom and now I see that there are many, many ways and one of them I am 110% sure WILL be my magical combination. I know it.

Back again

So I stopped off at my fav destination yesterday – my fertility clinic, for my fav activity – a day 3 scan! Yeah. Even the smell of that place makes me anxious. Felt like Id never left. Its rather bad when all the staff call you by name. We have been there for almost 2 years so I guess they should know my name by now. Got all my goodies for the cycle and left feeling pretty OK. Officially start on the 30^th December which is a good thing coz I still qualify for 2008 rates, shooo just made it! So I guess this New Years will be a quiet one. Ill be going to Club Duvet featuring DJ Pillow – ha ha J

 

For any SA readers I would like to sell my spare Gonal-F (5 amps) and Luveris (2 amps) – any takers? Would like R1000 for all of it. (Preferably Jhb based which will make it easier to exchange)

 

In other news my one friend (27) who was diagnosed with skin cancer two years ago was told that she may battle to fall pregnant and she would need to wait at least two years to try has just announced that she is pregnant. She had cancer treatment almost 2 years to the date so NO battling there. Im glad for her, shes had it rough until now and she deserves to be happy. But you know how it goes.

 

I have finished my Christmas shopping and just need to wrap everything, my credit card is bending with all the times I have swiped it and my mind is bending from work/IVF thoughts BUT I am starting to look forward to the festive season, its going to be a good one I know it!!

The post on Praying

Here is the post I promised on praying. If you feel you may be offended by this post then please stop reading now, these are MY thoughts on the subject and I welcome any others.

 

Firstly a bit of background – When I was younger I went to church every single Sunday without fail, I knew the Bible backwards and could quote out of the Bible. My parents were not especially religious so as I grew older I seemed to find other things to occupy my mind. My hubby comes from a religious family and he often spoke to me about praying. I started praying again and just speaking to the Lord and I did find a lot of peace doing this. Hubby and I don’t go to church but I have yet to find a church that I like. I DO NOT like the happy clappy type church and neither does my hubby. I find the sermons a lot better and after all that is why we go to church – to hear the sermons, not sing for 45 minutes with a rock band?? I actually love going to church, it fills me with a lot of peace and happiness.

 

Anyway back to the topic. What I just don’t understand is often people tell me to pray about our situation, which obviously I do. After I got my BFP I prayed like crazy that everything would work out, every single day I prayed and spoke to the Lord. But maybe I didn’t do it right? Maybe the Lord didn’t like what I was saying or He just decided that it wasn’t meant to be? There is a verse in the Bible Philippians 4:6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. So where did I go wrong? I don’t understand.

 

A good friend of mine is very religious. She was also going through fertility treatment and I actually thought that she would get a BFP “because she has a better relationship with the Lord and prays better than me”. As soon as that thought crossed my mind I realised how ridiculous it sounds but I actually believed it. Well she ended up getting a BFN and I actually ended up more confused! So prayer doesn’t work? That’s the message Im getting.

 

Then I see on forums of someone who has recently gotten a BFP and they said they just prayed about it or meditated for 28 days on a Bible verse. It actually makes me so mad. So why does praying work for them and not me?

 

During my second IVF I prayed A LOT and ended up with a BFP, I became very close to the Lord during this time then came the m/c and the third IVF BFN. Now Ive sort of stopped again. I want to be close to the Lord as I said above it makes me happy and peaceful but again maybe Im not being heard or doing it wrong or what??

 

Which brings me back to “maybe its not my time yet”, maybe this is a message from the Lord to say this to me and Im not listening? Or maybe the Lord doesn’t care? Do I do another IVF and have it fail and then know its definitely not my time or do another IVF and it succeeds and then I know it was my time. So how do I know when my time will be? All very confusing I realise that.

 

Just one last thing on the topic of religion and IVF – Ive always been a bit uncomfortable with the whole “playing God”, making decisions on which embryos to discard, choosing a sperm to inject into an egg aswell as “conceiving” without both parents being present ie not coming together in marriage and out of love conceiving a baby. Ive since decided that surely if this was against the will of the Lord that he would have not allowed even one baby to be born this way and also considering that this technology is around for us to use, He has given the knowledge to our doctors. Why He has given us IF in the first place is, I suppose, another story altogether.