Emotional See-saw

Ive been busy, really really busy. Work, sisters wedding plans, being away, going away some more etc. Its been good. Im still taking my little white tablet each night but just pushing whatever emotions come up to a far corner.

Yesterday we were travelling back from KZN. We started some chit-chat over the upcoming cycle and I realised that I actually havent really given it much thought. I mean we start in about 2 weeks. Im unhealthy, fat, drink too much etc etc etc. By this time of each previous cycle Im gyming, eating well, loosing weight, taking vitamins. It just seems like such a huge effort. Its never helped me in the past so I just dont see the point. I then started feeling guilty that Im not taking this more seriously, by the time we got home I was crying, sobbing infact. Fighting with DH, throwing my toys out and went to bed with puffy eyes. not.good.

So Im trying to get a grip on my emotions, trying not to let them get to me, go with the flow yet still try and be serious about the upcoming cycle. I know this makes no sense what-so-ever but Im really trying, trying to just keep my head above water. Im treading water yet I feel like just sinking to the bottom and just be done with this now. So melodramatic I know…… 🙂

Confession time…

So I need to make a confession….

We have chosen a donor!! It was pretty tough but we finally settled on someone. I didnt want to say anything until all her tests had been done and she was given the go-ahead. So on Friday I heard that all the bloods have been done and pshyc session (to make sure that she really wants to do this). Apparently she has already started on the pill, now we just need my AF to arrive so I can start on the pill. Only problem being that AF was here on the 2nd May which means it may be a while until I see her again. If its taking too long we might look at Provera but hopefully she comes in the next few weeks. Which means that we are looking at a mid-July cycle, can you believe it?? I cant. I am terrified, scared, excited, nervous, anxious all rolled into one. Flip it, I dont know if I want the time to hurry up or slow down.

So there you have it, I confessed!!

Update

Just got back from a few days in Bloemfontein (non-Saffas it’s a small inland city, typically Afrikaans with what seemed like a lot of students!), which is why I have been MIA.

 

My parents are coming today to come and visit for the weekend, so I am really looking forward to that. They live in Durban so it should take them around 6 hours to get to us. My mom sounds so excited! Shame, I love my parents!

 

Seeing my doc tomorrow and then have a therapy session booked for straight afterwards. Need to start digesting a lot of the noise in my head and start getting some sort of plan together, I hate this up in the air stuff. Im slowly warming up to the idea of DE. Ive joined an online support group called Parents through Egg Donation. Its so great to see the ladies there getting positives and also giving birth. It also gives me a chance to ask some difficult questions and everyone is so friendly and helpful. I asked my DH if he would be willing to chat a bit more after our appointment tomorrow and lets start making some decisions.

 

A HUGE massive congrats to my bloggy friend April for getting her BFP!!  WHOO HOO!!! You have no idea how happy I was when I read that! (wont link to her site because she has been having some blog issues with collegaues)

I also hope that Shaz feels better soon, you have me really worried.