Archive for the ‘why?’ Tag

What if?

I feel slightly happier than I have in months but its due to a chemical happiness. Im still anxious though. I hate anxiety its such a waste of time, yet its a feeling that is always with me. Im anxious about the future. As the days/years roll by I wonder if this is going to be it? This is me for the rest of my days – anxious, relying on chemicals to be happy and continuosly planning a treatment cycle. Its freaking tiring.

4 Years ago I threw my BCP’s out the window and decided on baby names. Each time a friend/family member announces their birth I brace myself incase they use our names. The names that should be our living, breathing babies. Shit its been a long journey to where I am now. A shitty, shitty journey.

What if we never have children? What will I do? Im far, far from ready to give up but the thought of living a child-free life is still there in the back of my head and seems to surface more than I would like it to. I dont know if I can do it but then again do I want almost my entire adult life to be taken up by thoughts of ttc? What if we look into adoption? What if that fails? What next? I might as well tattoo “FAILURE” on my forehead.

Or should I be like Tertia and put it out there thet I will just, plain and simply never give up? Tertia writes “Because I can’t give up. Even being through all the pain I have been through, and living this hell daily, I still can’t give up. Because giving up is scarier to me than carrying on. A childfree future is just not an option for me. Which means that I am never giving up.”

I cant give up either but sometimes this drive within me makes me tired. And no, I wont give myself a break. Ill have a break when Im staring into my baby’s eyes. For those that have crossed over from IF to parenthood, please tell me Im not crazy, that I should keep going. Tell me its worth it. To see your tummy grow and feel your child kick you from the inside, is it ALL worth it?

Please tell me this IF pain will ease one day.

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Soul Evolvement

Something a bit more thought provoking. I have wanted to share some of the learnings that I have gained from a recent course that I have completed. I must say that it helped me immensly to answer some of my burning questions and offered some insight into why things happen the way that they do. This post may not be everyone’s cup of tea so if you dont agree with some of the things I say, please be kind – I am always up for a debate.

It is believed that your soul evolves through the process of reincarnation. Your soul takes a journey of constant change and growth, reincarnating several times until a lesson is learnt and you are able to move onto the next lesson.

The evolvement is as follows:

  1. Soul Emergence – the emerging soul moves into incarnation and the journey of soul fulfilment continues. The Law of P.rogression governs this process of continuous forward movement and progression. As your consciousness has evolved through all the kingdoms, it is possible that you have evolved from being a crystal or rock before becoming aware of your conscious mind.
  2. Birth – The physical incarnation. 
  3. Life – The soul has chosen a life which assists in the karmic enfoldment of the soul’s spiritual journey. The Law of C.ause and E.ffect is learnt. The soul moves along its journey and learns from the material world. Each soul wants to learn the most out of that specific lifetime.
  4. Death – As death occurs, the soul moves from the physical plane into the spiritual plane.  Death begins when the soul calls out that it is time to leave the physical world. The soul then starts its journey into the spiritual plane.
  5. The Spirit Plane – We come to learn why we chose to be born into certain circumstances, three major  events are isolated from the life recently experienced for the future, all other memories fade. We then choose what our next set of circumstances will be able to teach us and prepare for another physical incarnation.

Please Note: I have tried as far as possible to write the above in my own words but please be aware that the information above is copyrighted to M.etaV.arsity.

Which means that before we are reincarnated into a physical body, we choose the circumstances that we want to learn from, at the end of our life we access what we did, how we did it and whether we learnt from that lesson, if not, its possible that we may have to repeat the same life pattern over again in order to gain some understanding of why we are in the predicaments we find ourselves in.

This means that my soul chose the path of infertility and the question “Why me?” has become redundant. Throughout this journey Ive always tried to learn from the experience, what is it trying to teach me? Will I have to come back one day and repeat all of this so I can learn from it? I hope not. What do you think infertility has taught you? Im struggling to come up with a decent answer other than the normal “patience, understanding, compassion” but perhaps that is all there is to learn? Any thoughts??

I think about miscarriage – someone struggles to fall pregnant, they finally do and then its all taken away from them. What does that all mean? Why would we have chosen that pain and anguish for ourselves? It shows that we are resilient, we get back up, pick of the pieces and then carry on with life. It shows grief and how we handle it. It shows your relationship with God, perhaps strengthening it, perhaps weakening it.

I still think about our baby that could have been and I still cannot find the answers as to why it happened. The other day a colleague told us she had a miscarriage, I got that shock, sick feeling in my stomach. I wanted to try and comfort her but I could hardly speak. It made my heart ache all over again. Sometimes we are sent curve balls which are extremely painful, I just hope that I learnt enough of myself and of the experience that I dont have to experience that pain again. To all my blog readers who may have suffered a loss – words are not enough to express how sorry I am.