Feeling low (again!)

So I saw an old friend over the weekend. She is visiting from the UK. It was so so so so good to see her again, just catch up and chill with her. We even made a stupid video of drinking shooters and loaded up on You-Tube. It was so great to just feel “normal” again. No baby talk, pregnancy mention etc etc. Then today it comes down like a ton of bricks – back to the grind, back to reality and back to just trying to keep my head above water.

Then I made the mistake of Googling my DH’s blood pressure and cholesterol pills and the effect on sperm – not good. Google is actually so effing crap. Its out to scare you. 

I actually sometimes just wonder what am I doing? Sometimes I just want to throw the towel in, say fuck it and get on with life BUT its impossible. I just go round and round and round and round and round and round, making myself dizzy in the process. Bottom line I always come to is I want to be a mother more than anything but shees getting there is just about killing me.

I read a couple of forums including Parents Via Egg Donation (PVED) and this topic came up about doubting whether to have a baby or just carry on with life, just accept what you have. This is the post that really touched me, which I want to share with you:

“You don’t really loose the peace and quiet, but you change to a different kind of peace. The peace you feel when your child is asleep in your arms. The peace you feel when he or she is laying in the playpen and smiling at you while you read a book, and the peace you feel when he or she was sreaming and you managed somehow to calm the baby and there it is overwhelming joy and love you feel.

Yes,  you will have less time to sleep, go out, read and pretty much anything else as well and you might have to start reading lips in order to understand a word of your favorite TV show while the baby is screaming but than at the point where the dark circles under your eyes always reach down to your knees and every piece of clothing you own smells like sour milk and the last time you ate out was in the car driving your baby to the doctor for yet another checkup – at the point when you think you are too tired to stay on your feet a second longer – that’s when it it going to hit you…..this is your miracle, this baby is really yours and nothing else matters.”

Such beautiful words, THIS is why Im doing this – to experience motherhood. I want it so badly I can taste it but at the same time Im terrified and scared for this upcoming cycle. You see being the typical A Type personality I want to try and control everything so now because my eggs are no longer an issue I need to control the sperm quality. I feel like Im going overboard with my DH. I spent R700 at Dischem last week on vitamin supplements for him. I wish I could just chill and just take it as it comes but Im finding it really difficult. I just dont know how to stop the obsession of becoming a mother.