Ive been quiet, I know

So I have been pretty quiet. Been pretty busy at work but Ive have a million things going around in my head and I needed to work through everything. The short story is that we ended up choosing a donor (not an easy choice) but then my agency found out that she had started with the 3 month injection and there was no way she could still donate. Most people would just move onto the next one but I started doubting this whole process AGAIN “Was it a *sign*??”. Basically I went from hero to zero in a few days, back to the dark depresssion, questioning, head gymnastics, going back and forth a million times. Many may not realise the emotional investment you make when you choose a donor, its not easy, its not just merely picking out someone as some may think. 

So we have decided to see another FS, just to get a second opinion and see what he says. The FS we are seeing is in Durban, we are going down at the end of the month and he so happened to have an opening for us.

The other “issue” is that I got my results back from the endocrinologist. Apparently everything is “one hundred percent normal and I can continue with the infertility stuff”. Not sure why I paid R1000 to be told that. I just dont understand why if everything is so damn normal then why am i so ABnormal?

So for now we wait again and see what happens. Sorry if this post is lacking structure but my head is literally all over the show at the moment. (Luckily Im seeing my therapist tomorrow, need to verbalise some of my fears).

Appointment Feedback

So we saw Dr V on Friday. The meeting was difficult and we discussed a number of different options. Dr V feels that there is most probably an egg quality issue or even a genetic issue. Yes, I have PCOS but he showed me the stats of the woman with a similar problem to me (thick zona or shell of the egg) and 33% of them have fallen pregnant and 70% have gone on to have live births (2008). Which means that even though I have a thicker shell, it doesn’t mean it should hamper implantation. And I have had a pregnancy/implantation with one of my cycles. He wants to try Interlipids (not sure I have the correct spelling?) which will decrease any Natural killer cell activity. He also wants us to go for the HLA genetic screening test. He wants to cover all our bases. I am also going to see an endocrinologist at the end of March to see if he can shed any further light.

 

The most irritating thing is that Dr V says that I don’t have the “classic” PCOS profile. My bloods are normal – LH, FSH, AMH, insulin, Testosterone, I don’t have any outward symptoms of PCOS ie weight gain, acne etc, I am difficult to stimulate whereas PCOS patients normally stim easily. The only symptoms I have is the classic “string-of-pearls” on the scan and infertility (great hey?). Dr V actually cried with us, tears welled up in his eyes and he couldn’t speak. We have been with him for a long time now and for me to see him actually crying with us made me want to bawl my eyes out. He just doesn’t have the answers for us and the only thing is for us to now start looking at other options, change the gametes rather than the meds or protocol. Easier said than done.

 

So our options are as follows:

 

1. Try again as before, own eggs and sperm. (Not recommended)
2. Try again, own eggs with DS (Not an option for us, besides we suspect my eggs may be the issue)
3. Try DE with Dh’s sperm (most preferred option right now)
4. Try DE with Dh’s sperm AND DS (to rule out a sperm issue)
5. Go straight to DE and DS

 

So the POA is to get all the blood tests done, save up, see my therapist to work through all of this and then we will make a decision towards the middle of this year.

 

I just feel that to keep on trying with my own eggs may be a futile exercise. DE is such a scary route to be thinking of. Im only 29 which makes the decision even more difficult.

 

My therapist told me such a beautiful story about Spiritual DNA. And how you will have the baby that you are meant to have and sometimes that egg may just come from someone else, it doesn’t mean I would love my child any less.

 

Right now we are not 100% certain about DE but my therapist (again) told me that there is no pressure. We shouldn’t pressurise ourselves and we must think DE through carefully and only when both of us are on the same page should we start looking into the process. It makes me feel a bit better, this is a HUGE decision and one that I don’t want to rush into (as I tend to do). So for now we wait some more, with an aching heart and an empty womb.  

Update

Just got back from a few days in Bloemfontein (non-Saffas it’s a small inland city, typically Afrikaans with what seemed like a lot of students!), which is why I have been MIA.

 

My parents are coming today to come and visit for the weekend, so I am really looking forward to that. They live in Durban so it should take them around 6 hours to get to us. My mom sounds so excited! Shame, I love my parents!

 

Seeing my doc tomorrow and then have a therapy session booked for straight afterwards. Need to start digesting a lot of the noise in my head and start getting some sort of plan together, I hate this up in the air stuff. Im slowly warming up to the idea of DE. Ive joined an online support group called Parents through Egg Donation. Its so great to see the ladies there getting positives and also giving birth. It also gives me a chance to ask some difficult questions and everyone is so friendly and helpful. I asked my DH if he would be willing to chat a bit more after our appointment tomorrow and lets start making some decisions.

 

A HUGE massive congrats to my bloggy friend April for getting her BFP!!  WHOO HOO!!! You have no idea how happy I was when I read that! (wont link to her site because she has been having some blog issues with collegaues)

I also hope that Shaz feels better soon, you have me really worried.