Why I hate PCOS

I think I realised why I was so down last week. Lack of AF was seriously getting to me. Its one thing to be infertile but a completely other thing for your body to be broken. I had to take a course of Provera to bring on AF which I dont often need to do, normally my cycle ranges from 35-40 days, sometimes 42 but never really longer than that and I am able to get Af by myself. It seems that taking the Luc.rin depot for my DE cycle made my cycle go wonky. Does anyone know if this is the cause?

So after a long 53 days, I freaking finally got my AF this morning. It just means one little step forward and instantly made me feel better. Yes, I realise the irony of wanting AF to come and then wanting it to stay away. It appears that my depression was linked to my broken body.

PCOS just plainly sux.

Im Back!

Im back from a whirlwind trip to Durban, 10 days of visting, drinking, talking, planning, eating, shopping takes its toll on you! Im tired, hungover, poor and fat! We had a great time but now its back to the slog of work!

Saturday was spent around 2 pregnant women and 2 toddlers. It was baby talk everywhere I went, finally I spent some time around the braai with the guys were I could add to the conversations of sport and such guy stuff. Felt a bit teary at times but then I just drank another glass of wine. One thing I realised which I havent really before – toddlers are alot of hard work! Thier mothers were running all over the place with them, screaming, cleaning, watching. Its amusing to watch whilst I relax over my glass of wine. Then I think to myself “do you really WANT that? and of course the answer is yes because even though they are so much work I can see the happiness they bring to their parents.

Im still kind of in a strange space, not knowing if we will ever have gorgeous toddlers destroying everything in their sight and at the same time knowing that it has to happen sooner or later.

Another thing that is irritating me no end is that AF is AWOL. Im on 40+ days and she is no-where to be seen. Not unusual but its irritating none the less as I wait for her arrival. My bbt is low which means I havent ovulated this month which means that AF can come anytime between now and never. I just emailed my doc to ask if I should try Provera as I know he doesnt like AF to stay away for longer than 45 days. Oh the joys of PCOS.

Not much to say

I feel like Im just existing. Eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep, work. Just trying to get thru each day. I ran out of AD’s yesterday and I was too lazy/depressed to even refill the script.

The worst is that AF is still freaking here, 8 days later. Its always a great reminder.

I ventured onto the Nurture website, just to go check out a few donors. Test the water so to say. It scared the crap out of me. How the hell do you choose a donor, your future baby. Would I like him/her to have blue eyes, brown eyes, curly black hair, straight blonde hair?? I feel like Im playing God, if you think IVF is “playing God” (as I once thought), try choosing a suitable donor, its crazy.

Decisions, decisions

 

AF arrived today. Kind of out of the blue. But Im used to that. Why is it that the sight of blood makes your mood nose dive? I spoke to J at lunch today about our future plans. I’ll be going onto the pill as from tomorrow. Will then start Lucrin in December, looks like it might be around the day I would have been due with the little one we lost, which is fitting I guess. Start stims late December and onto IVF/ICSI/ZIFT. This will probably be our last cycle with VL, hopefully our last cycle ever.

 

For the next 3 months it will be getting back to healthy eating, cutting down on the alcohol and saying goodbye to my Marlboros. Smoking isn’t really an issue, Im not really a heavy smoker to start with and just with this last BFN it has been getting a bit heavier. The issue is really getting my mind around the whole “starting again”, how many more fucking times will we have to “start again”? Just thinking of the last BFN made the tears well up. Can we do this again? Im so terrified.