Is that a *tiny* light I see at the end of the tunnel?

So Ive been thinking – ALOT.

1. The possibility of conceiving naturally is around 0% – long, unreliable PCOS cycles and poor morphology = no natural pregnancy. If it happens naturally I swear I will eat my hat and post it on You-Tube.

2. My eggs are crap. 4 IVF cycles have shown each time that my eggs are shitty. The zona (egg shell) is too thick, meaning implantation is hampered. The quality is not the greatest because the embryos we do get are not always that great, they always divide nicely and on time but there is alot of fragmentation and you dont need to be an embryologist to know that the quality isnt toohot.

3. I have fallen pregnant before which means (hopefully) I dont have issues with implantation.

4. We dont know the sperm quality. On paper it looks OK’ish, morphology not too great (3%) but all other parameters are normal.

5. I dont want to do ICSI anymore, I feel that it is an unnatural way to fertilise an egg.

6. Donor eggs are a way to avoid all of the above and determine whether there is a sperm problem (taking out the PCOS in the equation).

Disadvantages of DE:

Not genetically mine (does this matter? Perhaps if I have a girl then she actually wouldnt want the curse of PCOS?))

Cost (an additional R25 000 min)

Disclosure (to whom and when?)

Advantages of DE:

No PCOS (a biggy)

Perhaps I can actually be pregnant and have a child??? (very big biggy)

We will be able to find out whether there is a sperm problem (important so we know what we are dealing with)

These are the thoughts that have been in my mind lately. I feel a *tiny* bit of hope that maybe if we go the DE route it could result in a live healthy baby??? Now that would be awesome.

Due to the sensitivity of DE I have been thinking about making my blog private? But again I have remained anon on this blog and perhaps it could help others come to a conclusion regarding their journey. If anyone knows of a blog that I can read where the author has had to choose the DE route and her thoughts around it, I would apprecaite that.

To end, I received this in my inbox this morning: “Start each day by thinking about or writing down all the things that you are grateful for. Then try to accept life’s curved balls without judgement. Gratitude and acceptance are hugely powerful transformational tools.“

Im so sick to frikken death of asking the question “Why Me?”. I want to accept my fate and instead ask “What now?”

This and that

Its been a long week! So much has happened. My DH got back from China on Saturday which made me very J. He bought an awesome camera which I played with whilst keeping one eye on the (very boring) Springboks vs Wales game. Sunday was spent packing up our ENTIRE kitchen (very tiring) but it was good because I got a little spring cleaning in and managed to donate a whole lot of “stuff” to my maid.

 

Monday they started with our kitchen – what a freaking NIGHTMARE! Cooking from your dining room table is not ideal and trying to cook something decent with a microwave is also not great. The kitchen is slowly taking shape and is looking pretty good, there are still a few things that need to be done – like changing the handles on the doors and cupboards and doing some tiling were the gas stove is going. Anyway it looks great. The only thing is that because both DH and I have typical Type A personalities – we need to be around to check that everything is done to OUR exacting standards. Which means that we have had to take some leave to be at home this week which is not all that bad but also means a mountain of work for next week.

 

In other news my AF arrived and I have started on my second pack of OCP’s. One down 2 to go! At least my hair and skin is looking good! I see on Fertilicare that a lady who did ZIFT got her BFP. This makes me feel like there is still hope. Today I went to go and buy my Menopur for my next cycle (want to try and recover the financials before the Xmas season). Um R7500 later. Not good. Feel like drinking after seeing that bill. Oh and you will be very proud of me – I have officially stopped smoking, maybe not so much stopped drinking but the smoking had to go. It’s a disgusting habit and doesn’t improve my chances for a BFP by any means.

 

I feel like Im way behind in my blog reading. Sorry guys, life has been just OTT hectic but I will catch up soon!

For my friend Robz, whos FET cycle was cancelled – sweety Im thinking of you during this difficult time.  xxx

I LUV Root Canal!!

Seriously I do, the pain is GONE and I can final eat without looking like a chipmunk! It was not so great to have it done but with 4 injections I seemed to manage!

Im off in approximately 1 hour – whoo hoo! Taken the afternoon off to spend it with my husband. He leaves for China tomorrow morning which means I am going to be very lonely this next week 😦 (VERY sad face). My friends are wine and ciggies (but only a few I promise!)

Im also so glad to have started blogging, it really helps. Ive “met” such awesome ladies along the way and without my blog I would never have started chatting to them. I get such lovely comments and it really is super great!

Dont know much about US politics but I really hope all goes smoothly with the elections on the go!

Take care friends and for those of you that Im going to meet tomorrow – See u there (cant wait!)!xxx