A New Twist in the Saga

Just when you think that you may have found the answer to your problems, another one crops up. My RE called me a few days ago. Strange hey? Because unless they discovered that they put the wrong embryos back into me why would he call during the 2ww? And he starts with “Are you sitting down?”

Me: Ja, why?

Dr: I think we have a sperm issue.

Me: Oh? Why do you think that?

Dr: Because this past cycle was the best comparison [he called it a diagnostic tool]. We had eggs from the same person and 2 different sources of sperm. Your donor’s embryos did better than yours. A slow growing embryo is normally indicative of poor sperm parameters coming from the paternal genome.

Me: So you have no hope for this cycle?

Dr: No, that’s not what I said, there is still hope but I think next time, should this cycle not be successful, we should try [wait for it]……………………………………….

I.U.I with donor sperm.

Yes people you read it right. Well blow me over with a fricking feather. You do know that IUI involves my eggs right? The eggs that come from me? So why have I just done two donor EGG cycles? At a cost of I dunno, roughly R80 000??? (around $10 000)

Who needs a casino when you can be a fertility specialist? Don’t you know how much fun it is to gamble with people’s money and emotions?

Sometimes I wonder if they have any fricking idea what they are doing. This is all such a game of guessing.

Needless to say Im pissed.

My husband is not happy to hear this news as all along we knew there was a small morphology problem but with ICSI that isn’t an issue.

So what did I do? Went to the best doctor in the world – Dr. Google

And what did Dr Google say? A lot. Basically we are going to send a sample of my hubby’s sperm to a lab in the USA, South Dakota called SCSA Diagn.ostics. The Sperm_Chromatin_Structure_Assay test is done to determine the amount of DNA fragmentation in sperm. You can read more about it here. Its obviously an expensive exercise but if you didn’t know yet, Im made out of money. I have a money tree in my back garden infact.

[If anyone from the USA has any knowledge on this test, I would apprecaite anything at this stage. Or any blog authors who have done this test? So I can see if its worthwile?]

Obviously we will wait for the test results next week Friday before we do any of this but that’s the plan.

Cool hey?

Feeling low (again!)

So I saw an old friend over the weekend. She is visiting from the UK. It was so so so so good to see her again, just catch up and chill with her. We even made a stupid video of drinking shooters and loaded up on You-Tube. It was so great to just feel “normal” again. No baby talk, pregnancy mention etc etc. Then today it comes down like a ton of bricks – back to the grind, back to reality and back to just trying to keep my head above water.

Then I made the mistake of Googling my DH’s blood pressure and cholesterol pills and the effect on sperm – not good. Google is actually so effing crap. Its out to scare you. 

I actually sometimes just wonder what am I doing? Sometimes I just want to throw the towel in, say fuck it and get on with life BUT its impossible. I just go round and round and round and round and round and round, making myself dizzy in the process. Bottom line I always come to is I want to be a mother more than anything but shees getting there is just about killing me.

I read a couple of forums including Parents Via Egg Donation (PVED) and this topic came up about doubting whether to have a baby or just carry on with life, just accept what you have. This is the post that really touched me, which I want to share with you:

“You don’t really loose the peace and quiet, but you change to a different kind of peace. The peace you feel when your child is asleep in your arms. The peace you feel when he or she is laying in the playpen and smiling at you while you read a book, and the peace you feel when he or she was sreaming and you managed somehow to calm the baby and there it is overwhelming joy and love you feel.

Yes,  you will have less time to sleep, go out, read and pretty much anything else as well and you might have to start reading lips in order to understand a word of your favorite TV show while the baby is screaming but than at the point where the dark circles under your eyes always reach down to your knees and every piece of clothing you own smells like sour milk and the last time you ate out was in the car driving your baby to the doctor for yet another checkup – at the point when you think you are too tired to stay on your feet a second longer – that’s when it it going to hit you…..this is your miracle, this baby is really yours and nothing else matters.”

Such beautiful words, THIS is why Im doing this – to experience motherhood. I want it so badly I can taste it but at the same time Im terrified and scared for this upcoming cycle. You see being the typical A Type personality I want to try and control everything so now because my eggs are no longer an issue I need to control the sperm quality. I feel like Im going overboard with my DH. I spent R700 at Dischem last week on vitamin supplements for him. I wish I could just chill and just take it as it comes but Im finding it really difficult. I just dont know how to stop the obsession of becoming a mother.

What a week!

Shoo, what a week. It feels like Ive been in a whirlwind. Im so glad that its Friday!

 

OK, so after my dental visit last week, I was fully expecting to start eating on the other side. Boy was I wrong. Ive been in AGONY, can hardly eat a thing and when I do the pain is so intense it brings tears to my eyes! So on Monday I call my dentist for an emergency appointment. I could only see him on Wednesday. Turns out he drilled a “little bit too deep” and now the new filling is touching a nerve! SO now I have to go for ROOT CANAL next week! I am so incredibly mad about this situation. I wanted to remove the mercury from my mouth and now I have to end up doing ROOT CANAL on that tooth. I was so pissed off, fuming in fact. After this root canal I reckon I’m going to get a new dentist.

 

Last night we didn’t have any electricity, it seemed to only be our street. It went out at 2pm and only came back on around 10pm! Needless to say we ended up eating out and then drinking gin and tonic at a bar!! It was great fun BUT I did wake up with a bit of a headache (could be from the sore tooth aswell? Maybe not…) and of course when I drink too much I smoke (BAD girl I know, don’t remind me). With the Sharks/Blue Bulls Game on Saturday it means more drinking I guess (cant watch that game without some sort of alcohol in me). Speaking of the “big” game Im proudly wearing my Sharks shirt to work today and I have pinned my Sharks flag to the entrance of my office! Nothing like trying to rile up the BB supporters!!

 

Talking a bit on the elephant in the room – DH and I had a very serious conversation the other day about our fertility treatment. We have decided NOT to use donor sperm, it was a difficult conversation. I’ll leave it at that.