More Drama…

So we ended up in the Emergency room at our local hospital yesterday. Not fun. My Dh has been complaining that he doesn’t feel well, he said it felt as if his heart was pumping too hard so we went to go have his blood pressure taken which was 167/98!!! My Dh has suffered before from high BP but nothing as high as this. With regular exercise and healthy eating he managed to get his BP down to normal but it seems the months of unhealthy-ness and laziness have caught up again. Its been 3 months since our last BFN of which I think we have drank and smoked enough to put an entire army to shame! Yesterday was a BIG, BIG wake-up. You cant take your heart for granted, it’s the only thing that keeps you alive! So we have made a pact to just try and be more healthy in general. Try cut out the countless glasses of wine and stub those ciggies out once and for all. I keep on saying we will quit everything once we have a POA but I think that for now infertility can take a back seat because we are not doing this for ttc but actually for our well being.

 

My uncle’s death has also showed me that I need to stop stressing about the future and concentrate on the now. When I heard about his death I wasn’t thinking about infertility (that big dark cloud that always hangs above my head), I was thinking about being with my family in the here and now, in the present and not thinking of anything to do with the future. Life is so precious and it can just be taken in the blink of an eye. These are all the things that I was thinking of in the emergency room. If I lost my Dh due to binge drinking and smoking, Im actually not sure what I would do. Im tired of the pain of infertility but Im more tired of how it rules my life in terms of over-doing everything just to try and numb that ache away. Fuck it Im tired, tired, tired. I always said I would do whatever it takes to be a mother but now Im really not that sure. I want a life where Im not infertile or thinking of the next cycle or thinking of anything except just being content and happy. Wishful thinking I suppose. Ive said it many times before but I’ll say it again – if God did not intend for me to be a mother then why oh why cant he just take this longing out of my heart so I can just breathe normally again?

 

As if there wasnt enough to deal with

My dear, kind, gentle uncle was stabbed to death by 6 armed men on Wednesday night. He did not deserve to die that way and infront of his children. I am completely devastated. In Durban with the family. I flew out first thing on Thursday morning to be with everyone. My mom is taking it VERY bad. Such great sadness, my heart is aching with raw pain.

Fuck.

Where is God in all of this. Does He even exist?