Archive for the ‘POA’ Tag

My PoA

Quite a few people have been asking me what my next plan of action is going to be – we are going to be doing a shared cycle in December. After my failed DE cycle I started thinking of how we could possibly afford to try again and then this shared cycle idea popped up. I will be sharing eggs with another woman doing an IVF cycle in December and the best part? Its not going to be anonymous. I know the person quite well and we have been trying for almost as long as each other, OK granted she had a baby inbetween (also from IVF). Her issues stem from male factor and her eggs are apparent very good.

Another plus is that we know how she responds to meds, shes been through the process before and she is a proven donor (has a baby). In a shared cycle you get half of all the eggs retrieved. Considering my donor only produced 10 eggs, I will be quite happy with even 5 good eggs. In all 5 IVF’s that I have been through, I have never had anything to freeze so my mind-set is now to get the best embryos for transfer day and forget about freezing anything.

The cycle will be done in Jhb (with my old clinic) as my friend is a patient there. We also have the same doctor which is also a blessing as he knows both of our historys.  I was very excited to start at my new clinic but if this cycle is unsuccessful (good grief, please let it work!) then we will be doing a cycle in April next year (see Astrology post for reasons why) with my OWN eggs. Yes people my own.

For now Im on Provera coz Im on Day 40-something and my prog cam back as 0.8, so I know I didnt ovulate. Then I start the pill – whoo-hoo!

So we are back on the 1 million supplements, well my husband is at least. This is the concoction I give to him everyday:

Spe.man from India which is supposedly excellent in improving motility and morphology (although we are still going to do ICSI Im sure)

L-carni.tine – to improve the sperm DNA

Vit C – Motility improvement

Vit E – antioxidant

Go.ji berry extract – antioxidant

Omegas, magnesium, sel;enium, zinc. (Shoo)

I sometimes cannot believe that Im going to be doing this all again in 2 months time but I think that this time round Im a bit more relaxed. Just knowing who my donor is and being able to contact her as I want to makes me feel a whole lot better. If you remember last time the cycle was delayed by 2 weeks because my donor got sick, I didnt know when she started stims and didnt know the number of follies up until trigger day. Im a more is better kind of girl and prefer just being able to pick up the phone and ask myself than have a message relayed to me. Another thing is that should this work my friend has offered to donate again if we would like a sibling, which is great as that also weighed a bit on my mind before.

So we are off again and if all goes according to plan we should know the results by Christmas. I pray that this year we get the best Christmas present ever!

And just on a side note, there have been so many BFP’s in the cyber-world that I have had to rearrange my blog roll and my Google Reader. I just cant believe that almost every blog I read has had a BFP in the last few weeks. What amazes me is its alot of BFP’s from VETS, 4+ IVF cycles, so there is hope for me 🙂 . Congrats to all but how I wish it could be me….

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Im Back!

Im back from a whirlwind trip to Durban, 10 days of visting, drinking, talking, planning, eating, shopping takes its toll on you! Im tired, hungover, poor and fat! We had a great time but now its back to the slog of work!

Saturday was spent around 2 pregnant women and 2 toddlers. It was baby talk everywhere I went, finally I spent some time around the braai with the guys were I could add to the conversations of sport and such guy stuff. Felt a bit teary at times but then I just drank another glass of wine. One thing I realised which I havent really before – toddlers are alot of hard work! Thier mothers were running all over the place with them, screaming, cleaning, watching. Its amusing to watch whilst I relax over my glass of wine. Then I think to myself “do you really WANT that? and of course the answer is yes because even though they are so much work I can see the happiness they bring to their parents.

Im still kind of in a strange space, not knowing if we will ever have gorgeous toddlers destroying everything in their sight and at the same time knowing that it has to happen sooner or later.

Another thing that is irritating me no end is that AF is AWOL. Im on 40+ days and she is no-where to be seen. Not unusual but its irritating none the less as I wait for her arrival. My bbt is low which means I havent ovulated this month which means that AF can come anytime between now and never. I just emailed my doc to ask if I should try Provera as I know he doesnt like AF to stay away for longer than 45 days. Oh the joys of PCOS.

Fertility Astrologer

Apologies to any astrologers reading this – Im not to familiar with all the terms but I hope I understood enough to get the message across.  

So we met with Nicky from Fertility Astrology last night and wow what an enlightening experience. I would highly recommend that anyone unsure of when to do treatment to meet with her. Its made making the decision of “what next” a tiny bit easier. 

I had my doubts going into the session and my husband (as men are) was very doubtful. Firstly Nicky explained how astrology works and why its so accurate. You were born at a specific time at a specific place (Longitude and latitude), the planets and the sun were in specific “houses”, which makes up your astrological chart. The planets themselves do not influence you but it’s the orientation of them when you were born that makes all the difference. It in essence makes you who you are.

Firstly we started off with Nicky giving us a bit of background of the type of people we are. I just want to add at this point that my husband and I were born 4 days apart and both in 1979, so our charts are actually very, very similar. We are both Taurueans and have the same outlook on life. Im more vocal, go-getter, goal orientated and have to work hard for the things I have, whereas my husband is quieter, unassuming, work in the background kind of guy. He doesn’t need to work as hard as me to get the things he has and according to Nicky he is very lucky and has a lot of good fortune (which he does, except obviously in the ttc arena). We are also both very “money-orientated”, money drives us which again is very ture. What I have just said describes us both to a T. Nicky also said that there are some things happening between Nov 2009 and March 2010, something about investing or building, which we are actually doing both of, she even said that we will find a tenant for one of our properties very easliy and the other one might be more difficult, stretching into March of next year. I actually couldn’t believe that you could get this information off of a chart. We have both never net Nicky so there is no way she could know any of this. 

Then we moved onto the fertility stuff. She said that when we were born (being 4 days apart) that the planet Pluto was in one of our houses. This is a bad sign for fertility, which means that both of us have sub-optimal fertility. We started with the fallopian tubes which she said she thinks are damaged, possibly from an infection. She wants me to be tested for Chlamydia (an STD for those that don’t know). Now this is something that I have never thought of. I have had more than 1 sexual partner in my life which makes me feel terrible now. Anyways Im going to test myself for this and see if I have it (gees I hope not). I told her that I have had an HSG which showed clear tubes (RHS had a slow spill) but she thinks its actual damage to the tubes (she actually called them “lazy” ha ha just like me!) which means that its possible they don’t pick up the egg after ovulation. Anyways that’s only for people who are trying naturally so it doesn’t really bother me as Im only into the hard core stuff. 

She then started talking about when she feels would be the best times for us to try. She explained that there is often 1 very, very good time for someone to try in their lifetime and then there are also times that are good but not as good as that once in a lifetime try. My once in a lifetime good time to try is when Im 33. yes, people 33 (that’s 3 years time). Between the ages of 33 to 34 is my best time to try, so in actual fact I get more fertile as I get older which in itself is laughable but according to my chart is true. Nicky even commented on the fact that she is surprised that at age 30 my eggs are “so weak” but its not impossible to conceive just a bit more difficult, that is until I reach 33! OK so obviously Im not going to wait until 33 to try so she bought it a bit forward. The next best time to try with my eggs is April 2011, where I have all the good markers in my chart. 

My husband on the other hand has his once in a lifetime best chance in April 2010. Nicky mentioned something about his “partners children” during this time which I queried.  According to Nicky this would be the absolute best time for us to try, with our own gametes. She even said she is willing to bet on this being our time, even though its not my best time its my husbands once in a lifetime best time. She also mentioned that it could also indicate other good things happening at this time (not just ttc related).  Just one issue with April 2010 is the fact that its my sisters wedding and Im not sure if fitting an IVF cycle into that is such a good idea, but hey if it’s a once in a life time chance then I would definitely do it. Nicky even mentioned that it might be possible to conceive in April 2010 and then again in April 2011, which is what the charts are telling her. I did mention conceiving naturally but she said that because of our sub-optimal fertility its possible that we will need to go for treatment to conceive, obviously nothing is impossible but going for treatment enhances the chances.

I then asked her about doing any treatment between now and the end of the year. She said absolutely not, damn Pluto is back until December and this spells trouble for fertility. In December everything is back to normal and she said even though there are no good markers in this time, it’s a neutral time and we could do a cycle in December if we would like to. Then we can look at April 2010 (the once in a lifetime opportunity), June 2010 and September 2010 (not a good month for sperm though). Nicky also looked for miscarriage markers between December and March of which there are none. 

Just to go back to my husband she said that he also has issues but she doesn’t worry too much about sperm as there is always ICSI which can override astrology. One thing that she said is that there is something in both of our charts (I forget what she called it now) which is a more psychological underlying issue. For my husband she said that he has an issue with whether he would be a good father, she said that his father was absent (which he was, mother and father got divorced when he was 10). My husband needs to work through these feelings of abandonment and also convince himself that he will infact be a good dad, she said that once he does this his sperm count will be excellent as its his subconscious that is making him produce poor sperm, I was so shocked that she was so spot on here I had tears in my eyes. 

My underlying issue is that I need to believe that I will be a good mom. Also sometimes the reason why you want children is exactly that – YOUR reason for wanting children, you don’t need to answer to anyone else except yourself. 

As you can see it was an amazing experience and we were both converted after speaking to her. I did manage to ask Nicky whether there are children in our future (very scary to ask this) which she said she cannot say but if we have enough emotional and financial stamina then trying during the time she has suggested would be the best chance for us to have children. She said she has seen worse charts than ours conceive and carry a baby to term (which made me feel better). Nicky also believes that according to our charts we merely started ttc too early, it wasnt our time yet BUT at least we did start early so now we know what our issues are and we didnt start trying now and go through all the motions of blood testing, PCTs, HSG’s, laps, IUI etc. Its also possible for someone to completely miss their once in a life time chance and she said she was quite relieved when she saw that both of ours are still coming up.

The cost is 120 pounds which I believe is worth every cent, if you are interested you can book a session with Nicky on her website. The session gave me a bit of hope that not all is lost and at least gave us the insight not to do anything in the next few months which I was seriosuly considering. I would have been really bummed if we had spent the money on an IVF only to learn that blady Pluto was around during that time 🙂

Im still around..

Just incase you were wondering, yes Im still around. I have alot going on, we are building an outside entertainment area which has taken up alot of my time, visiting Durban, Buying property, setting up a trust oh and trying to decide on our next treatment. Tonight I am consulting with a fertility astrologer who I am hoping will give me some insight into what treatment plan we should look at.

Last week we had our appointment with our new doctor, Dr LR. We both really like him and he seemed quite caring and concerned which I like in a doctor. Of course he didnt have a miracle cure for our issues which I was hoping for 🙂 but he did give us a run-down of our options – 1. IVF again in Cape Town, 2. DE in Cape Town, 3. Donor embryo transfer. I asked what the protocol would be for an IVF and he said that with the PCOS he has started stimming patients a little differently – he said that the meds given are vital to get a good quality egg. He would stim with a mixture of Gonal-F and Menopur, 2 amps each to start. Obviously Cetrotide when the follies get to around 14mm. He would try and grow the follies for a day or two longer than what Im used to to get them to be larger (around 20mm) and then trigger with Lucrin. He feels that sometimes the trigger may be given too early which is why my eggs dont have a good fertilisation rate – most are still too immature. The Lucrin trigger is to prevent OHSS and is prescribed for PCOS patients (which Ive never done before). All in all he gave us a 20 – 30% success rate, which is not too hot now is it? Now the question is – is it worth the chance? Im not sure it is.

I got my tax return yesterday – lets just say that its enough to pay for another whole IVF cycle, this just goes to show how much I have spent on treatment in the last year.

To be honest Im tired of it, really really tired of hitting my head against a brick wall. Ive been doing alot of thinking since my failed DE cycle, some good and some not so good. I used to walk around with this FEAR that I would never be a mom, an ache in my heart. Thats all gone. All that is left is tiredness, I dont feel mad, sad, angry, impatient, jealous nothing, just tired. I know deep, deep down that I will never give up and that I WILL be a mom one day but somehow that intense feeling of “when?, why me? and what now?” is just not there anymore. Its hard to explain.

I attended a course not so long ago where the presenter said the following: “Fear of failure should not be the driving force for what you do”, it resonanted so deeply with me that I nearly burst out crying. Thats how Ive been living, fearing the possibility of failure, of not being able to conceive, of not being something that I was created to do with all my being and soul. But I refuse to let fear of failure be the driving force in my life. Another thing I have learnt is that there will always be a way, always someone to help you, always options. Im amazed at how many people have offered to help me in some or other way, given me ideas of what my next step should be, offered their eggs to me. I used to think that there was only 1 way of becoming a mom and now I see that there are many, many ways and one of them I am 110% sure WILL be my magical combination. I know it.

Welcome ICLW

Cant believe we at that time already, but welcome to my blog – I am not really in the greatest of moods due to my 5th IVF failure which I found out about this week.

I know I would get totally pissed off if I arrived at a blog with a p/w protected post so I apologise, I never do it normally but there were some sensitive things that I needed to get off my chest with f-bombs flying all over the place.

I honestly thought that after debating in our minds for so long about DE that this would be the answer to our prayers but it was not meant to be, I cant stop thinking about how stupid I feel, thinking that this might actually work. We threw the whole book at this cycle, everything I could think of to do was done but thats it, done and dusted and time to move on.

Our moving on plan involves donor embryos who we have been given by some wonderful friends. My RE wants to transfer them on a “natural” cycle which just about made me want to puke because I dont even understand what that means. For now Im just going to try and get all the meds out of my system and see how “natural” this cycle actually is.

Thats all folks.