Appointment Feedback

So we saw Dr V on Friday. The meeting was difficult and we discussed a number of different options. Dr V feels that there is most probably an egg quality issue or even a genetic issue. Yes, I have PCOS but he showed me the stats of the woman with a similar problem to me (thick zona or shell of the egg) and 33% of them have fallen pregnant and 70% have gone on to have live births (2008). Which means that even though I have a thicker shell, it doesn’t mean it should hamper implantation. And I have had a pregnancy/implantation with one of my cycles. He wants to try Interlipids (not sure I have the correct spelling?) which will decrease any Natural killer cell activity. He also wants us to go for the HLA genetic screening test. He wants to cover all our bases. I am also going to see an endocrinologist at the end of March to see if he can shed any further light.

 

The most irritating thing is that Dr V says that I don’t have the “classic” PCOS profile. My bloods are normal – LH, FSH, AMH, insulin, Testosterone, I don’t have any outward symptoms of PCOS ie weight gain, acne etc, I am difficult to stimulate whereas PCOS patients normally stim easily. The only symptoms I have is the classic “string-of-pearls” on the scan and infertility (great hey?). Dr V actually cried with us, tears welled up in his eyes and he couldn’t speak. We have been with him for a long time now and for me to see him actually crying with us made me want to bawl my eyes out. He just doesn’t have the answers for us and the only thing is for us to now start looking at other options, change the gametes rather than the meds or protocol. Easier said than done.

 

So our options are as follows:

 

1. Try again as before, own eggs and sperm. (Not recommended)
2. Try again, own eggs with DS (Not an option for us, besides we suspect my eggs may be the issue)
3. Try DE with Dh’s sperm (most preferred option right now)
4. Try DE with Dh’s sperm AND DS (to rule out a sperm issue)
5. Go straight to DE and DS

 

So the POA is to get all the blood tests done, save up, see my therapist to work through all of this and then we will make a decision towards the middle of this year.

 

I just feel that to keep on trying with my own eggs may be a futile exercise. DE is such a scary route to be thinking of. Im only 29 which makes the decision even more difficult.

 

My therapist told me such a beautiful story about Spiritual DNA. And how you will have the baby that you are meant to have and sometimes that egg may just come from someone else, it doesn’t mean I would love my child any less.

 

Right now we are not 100% certain about DE but my therapist (again) told me that there is no pressure. We shouldn’t pressurise ourselves and we must think DE through carefully and only when both of us are on the same page should we start looking into the process. It makes me feel a bit better, this is a HUGE decision and one that I don’t want to rush into (as I tend to do). So for now we wait some more, with an aching heart and an empty womb.  

Update

Just got back from a few days in Bloemfontein (non-Saffas it’s a small inland city, typically Afrikaans with what seemed like a lot of students!), which is why I have been MIA.

 

My parents are coming today to come and visit for the weekend, so I am really looking forward to that. They live in Durban so it should take them around 6 hours to get to us. My mom sounds so excited! Shame, I love my parents!

 

Seeing my doc tomorrow and then have a therapy session booked for straight afterwards. Need to start digesting a lot of the noise in my head and start getting some sort of plan together, I hate this up in the air stuff. Im slowly warming up to the idea of DE. Ive joined an online support group called Parents through Egg Donation. Its so great to see the ladies there getting positives and also giving birth. It also gives me a chance to ask some difficult questions and everyone is so friendly and helpful. I asked my DH if he would be willing to chat a bit more after our appointment tomorrow and lets start making some decisions.

 

A HUGE massive congrats to my bloggy friend April for getting her BFP!!  WHOO HOO!!! You have no idea how happy I was when I read that! (wont link to her site because she has been having some blog issues with collegaues)

I also hope that Shaz feels better soon, you have me really worried.

Blah blah fishpaste

Nothing real going on at the moment, well there is alot going on in my head but Im not ready to blog yet about it. I go from ready to try DE to absolute denial about our situation to wanting to give it all up in a few seconds flat.

On Friday night we went out to see some big DJ perform in Jhb. It was ALOT of fun, we had a blast, dancing, drinking, having shooters being NORMAL. Woke up with a hangover on Sat morning but i was HAPPY. It was so great to just let go so to say.

Have my follow up appt with Dr V on Friday. I was so pissed after the BFN that I moved the appt to this week. Im kind of glad I did because we have at least had a bit of time to think of the other options (if any???????????) Scary.

Im alive (barely)

So just thought I would post to let you know that I am alive, barely. Last week I actually wished I was dead, how far down the depression hole I have fallen…

The sadness and pain in my heart is still very raw but with the fantastic support of friends and family the healing has begun. I always thought that i would do whatever it takes, how ever many IVF’s needed but I cant keep on knocking my head against a brick wall and getting no-where.

When Dr V called about my beta he mentioned the “D” word (donor). It seems that having done 4 IVF’s with 1 m/c he is worried that we might just continue to waste our time and money. I guess he is right.

The “D” word scares me a bit, still need time to digest it. We both do. But I guess it may be the only way out considering our history.

Struggling….

Need some words of wisdom, really stuggling today. No symptoms (im essentially 8 days past ER).

The cycle that we had a +, I tried my utmost to block out any symptoms so now I cant remember what I felt at what stage. I know I didnt have many symptoms, it was only the day before testing (13dp3dt) that I “felt” maybe it had worked. I keep on trying to remind myself of this fact. Dr V has also reminded me that each pregnancy is different and that i shouldnt compare. Ja I’ll try hey.