Im still around..

Just incase you were wondering, yes Im still around. I have alot going on, we are building an outside entertainment area which has taken up alot of my time, visiting Durban, Buying property, setting up a trust oh and trying to decide on our next treatment. Tonight I am consulting with a fertility astrologer who I am hoping will give me some insight into what treatment plan we should look at.

Last week we had our appointment with our new doctor, Dr LR. We both really like him and he seemed quite caring and concerned which I like in a doctor. Of course he didnt have a miracle cure for our issues which I was hoping for 🙂 but he did give us a run-down of our options – 1. IVF again in Cape Town, 2. DE in Cape Town, 3. Donor embryo transfer. I asked what the protocol would be for an IVF and he said that with the PCOS he has started stimming patients a little differently – he said that the meds given are vital to get a good quality egg. He would stim with a mixture of Gonal-F and Menopur, 2 amps each to start. Obviously Cetrotide when the follies get to around 14mm. He would try and grow the follies for a day or two longer than what Im used to to get them to be larger (around 20mm) and then trigger with Lucrin. He feels that sometimes the trigger may be given too early which is why my eggs dont have a good fertilisation rate – most are still too immature. The Lucrin trigger is to prevent OHSS and is prescribed for PCOS patients (which Ive never done before). All in all he gave us a 20 – 30% success rate, which is not too hot now is it? Now the question is – is it worth the chance? Im not sure it is.

I got my tax return yesterday – lets just say that its enough to pay for another whole IVF cycle, this just goes to show how much I have spent on treatment in the last year.

To be honest Im tired of it, really really tired of hitting my head against a brick wall. Ive been doing alot of thinking since my failed DE cycle, some good and some not so good. I used to walk around with this FEAR that I would never be a mom, an ache in my heart. Thats all gone. All that is left is tiredness, I dont feel mad, sad, angry, impatient, jealous nothing, just tired. I know deep, deep down that I will never give up and that I WILL be a mom one day but somehow that intense feeling of “when?, why me? and what now?” is just not there anymore. Its hard to explain.

I attended a course not so long ago where the presenter said the following: “Fear of failure should not be the driving force for what you do”, it resonanted so deeply with me that I nearly burst out crying. Thats how Ive been living, fearing the possibility of failure, of not being able to conceive, of not being something that I was created to do with all my being and soul. But I refuse to let fear of failure be the driving force in my life. Another thing I have learnt is that there will always be a way, always someone to help you, always options. Im amazed at how many people have offered to help me in some or other way, given me ideas of what my next step should be, offered their eggs to me. I used to think that there was only 1 way of becoming a mom and now I see that there are many, many ways and one of them I am 110% sure WILL be my magical combination. I know it.

Why is it so hard to keep positive?

Been doing OK. The rest at home has really helped me, I felt like a zombie for the first few days. Im staying as positive as I can, visualising embryos implanting, talking nicely to them, listening to my relaxing CD’s etc. But why is it that negativity creeps in? A tiny voice in my head keeps saying such negative things and I hate it.  IVF is so difficult, its emotionally gruelling, definitley not for the faint hearted.

Im also having such terrible side effects from the PIO. I get such bad headaches and terrible nausea and I get so HOT!! Just wondering if I should switch to Cyclogest or just hang in there? DH says well at least its working which is true.

So I try to remain positive, think only good thoughts and keep on willing the little ones to implant! Today they should be blastocysts so implantation should be soon, I pray so.

ZIFT Update

Hi All,

WOW what a rollercoaster! Feel like Ive just woken up from a trance that lasted 2 days! Firstly ER went well, we got 13 eggs which i was pleased about. I didnt get too much of that bloated feeling either. We stayed over at a hotel down the road from my clinic so I spent most of the day just sleeping. My dear friend Robz came to visit me in the afternoon and that helped to calm the nerves.

We then had to report back at the clinic at 7:00am. Just before the procedure I met Roz in the waiting room which was also so nice to meet my cyberspace friends in real life!

We then had to go downstairs and get dressed up in the terrible gowns (all this without knowing anything about the fert report). My pulse was almost 100 whilst I was lying in bed and it was due to nerves. FINALLY Dr V came to tell us that there were 5 normal ferts and 1 not so good. In my previous IVF’s Ive always had around 50% fert rate so I was OK with this but would have really liked to have grown a few more on to Day 3 to freeze. Anyway we decided to transfer the 5 good ones. So I went under GA for the Lap to transfer the ambies into my tubes. I woke up feeling alot of pain, especially where the cuts were so I asked for Pethidine which they gave me.

So now we wait…..

Im on PIO shots instead of those disgusting Cyclogest pessaries. ANd for those brave enough to continue with injections in the 2ww it actually works out alot cheaper that Cyclogest and much less messy.

Im taking it very easy at home for the next few days, just trying to heal and think positive thoughts.

Cheers for now xxx

Day 8 Update

5 Follies on LHS, 9 follies on RHS. Between 14 and 15mm, dropped dose of Menopur to 3 amps, scan again Thursday. ER will be this weekend and ZIFT the next day. Hope is creeping in again….

I feel OK, a bit bloated but not as much pain as last time, I have alot of EWCM which is a good sign as I NEVER get it – even with the last IVF cycle (Gonal-F/Luveris combo). I somehow think that my body “prefers” the Lucrin/Menopur combo – I respond better than with the Gonal-F/Luveris/Cetrotide. Another strange symptom that I always get is swollen glands behind my ears. Im sure its a direct correlation between my ovaries and glands???

Ive also decided not to do any alternative therapies with this cycle. Ive done acupuncture with every cycle, including my IUI’s and seeing that it only ever helped me once, Ive decided to save the money rather and go with the flow. Besides ZIFT works a bit differently in that the 1 day old embies are put back into your fallopian tubes so I wouldnt really know when to do the acupuncture. Also the nearest acupuncturist tome is 100kms away and driving up and down has driven me up the wall previously. Im trying to take a very “zen” approach to this cycle. I havent even asked yet what my E2 levels are. For me this is quite a record. last cycle I remember being an absolute wreck when I found out my E2 levels were only around 5000. Dr V had to phone me to calm me down because I was crying so much. Seeing this is my 4th attempt I also find that the emotions I go through at each stage are so similar in each cycle and now Im almost “expecting” to feel certain emotions at each stage. I really do feel like a VET (veteran IVFer!). So I remain positive and happy with the way things are proceeding!

Last Post for the Year – “What could have been…”

So it has come to that time. My due date would have been today. Last week I wasn’t really coping and yesterday wasn’t too good, but today Im Ok. Its almost like a weight has been lifted. I haven’t been looking forward to this day for the last 8 months and now that its finally here, it feels better. Now I don’t have to keep on reminding myself – “I would have been x weeks today”. I bought a bottle of champagne yesterday that we will have later – to celebrate “what could have been”, perhaps a bit strange but its my way of coping.

 

Im busy reading “The Shack” and last night I read a part of the book that really struck a cord in me. It is a conversation between Jesus and Mack, the character in the book. I have typed it below:

 

“Do you think humans were designed to live in the past, present or future?” to which Mack replies “the present”. Jesus then asks “but where do you spend most of your time in your mind, present, past or future?” Mack thought before answering “I suppose I would have to say that I spend very little time in the present, a big piece in the past but most of the time I am trying to figure out the future” Jesus replies “not unlike most people. When I dwell with you, I do so in the present, not the past, although much can be learned from remembering and learned by looking back but only for a visit, not an extended stay. And for sure I don’t dwell in the future you visualise or imagine. Mack do you realise that your imagination of the future, which is almost always dictated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you?”

 

Again Mack stopped and thought. It was true. He spent a lot of time fretting and worrying about the future, and in his imaginations it was usually pretty gloomy and depressing, if not outright horrible. Jesus was also correct in saying that God was often absent. “Why do I do that?” asked Mack.

 

“It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you cant. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn’t even real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear”

 

What a powerful piece of writing and its so true – you have absolutely no power of the future, there is no use in stressing and fretting over something you cant control, yet as humans we always imagine the worst. Well guess what – Im ready for 2009! Bring it on. Ive had one of the worst possible years of my life and look Im still standing, perhaps rocky but hey who isn’t.  

 

This will be my last post of the year, I will update everyone once my IVF/ZIFT kicks off next year. I start Lucrin next Sunday (YIPPEE!!!). I hope everyone is blessed with a wonderful festive season and please take care of yourselves. We will meet again in 2009!!

 

Much love

xxx