An honest post

I need to express myself, need to release some of the feelings inside. This post may offend, so be warned.

I want more than anything in the whole world to be pregnant and have a healthy baby, even just 1 will do. I think about it all the time, always analysing, hoping, wishing, praying but I get no-where.

Im at an exasperation level of around 10, Im desperate and I sometimes think I am loosing my mind. On Sunday I cried my eyes out, sobbed infact, lashed out and just became a total and utter wreck. I cried until my eyes were so puffy they couldnt even open. I am so incredibly angry, Im fucked off at the unfairness of our situation. Im angry as hell at God, Im questioning Him. Perhaps I dont know my path, perhaps He does, everyone says dont question Him, just accept. Well I cant. Is God really there? Is God someone who can actually help? One day when I look back at this will I say “ah ha thats why I went through that”? Am I supposed to be learning patience? Compassion? Understanding? What? What the fuck is it that Im supposed to be learning from this?

This weekend I saw INFERTILITY, the cold hard, disgusting demon of infertility. It made me so sad that my heart actually ached, pained in my chest. I confessed to my husband that I have had suicidal thoughts, I wouldnt actually act on it but it scares the crap out of me. Successful, vibrant, intelligent me – killing myself over I.N.F.E.R.T.I.L.I.T.Y and what the hell for? Because I feel like Im inferior, second grade woman – cant even do something so natural. Ive got all the bits yet nothing works. So God what is that all about? Its like buying a new toy and you take it home and its missing a part, irritates the crap out of you now doesnt it? Or you invest in a brand new car and when you drive it away it breaks down because someone forgot to put the oil or brake fluid in. The thing is, these things can be fixed, pretty easily without too much bother. My fucked up ovaries cannot.

So with that being said we have decided to definitely move onto donor eggs. I cant do this anymore. If donor doesnt work then at least I can blame someone else other than me. There is no firm POA but we have started looking through the profiles and the best thing about it is that I feel such a sense of relief. Im scared shitless and so is my Dh but together we can do this, we can build our family or I might die trying.

Strange Behaviour

So today, a lady I work with is celebrating her b-day. She is a good friend so I baked her a cake. When I gave it to her she told me this long story about how she has been praying and praying for something (didn’t elaborate too much, but I know it has to do with her ex) and that she asked God that she needed this “thing” to happen before her birthday or else she would loose all faith in Him. So apparently last night whatever it was she was praying about came true and she was bouncing around proclaiming that everyone must pray to get whatever they want. Then she tells me that I need to keep praying to have a baby and that she has also been praying for us and that my problem is that I don’t believe enough that its going to happen. This kind of took me by surprise and Ive been thinking about it ever since. Maybe Im not “believing” enough (2 years of hard core fertility treatments kind of takes your belief away) but what kind of “gets” me even more is the fact that whatever it is that she prayed about has now been resolved and on her b-day nogal (For non-South Africans is mean “aswell”, but it sounds better in Afrikaans) – which is exactly what she asked God for.

 

Not only this but she also told God that she would cut her hair if her prayers were answered so she is now at the hair dresser having her hair cut. THEN she tells me if I want a baby badly enough I must make a “pact” with God to also cut my hair when I fall pregnant. Please tell me is this normal behaviour? Im so frikken desperate that the thought actually crossed my mind that maybe I should make the pact with God.

 

Lets break it down –

1. God is happy and willing to answer her prayers, so is my voice not heard?
2. It happened on the day she wanted, why cant the same happen for me? Should I just pick a day and expect good news that day?
3. Maybe my faith is not the greatest right now, but what do you expect? I feel like Im being kicked to the curb, left to fend for myself. Why did God put me on this earth if He didn’t intend for me to be a mother. I should have been a man then.
4. Im ticked off at this.
5. Im willing to cut my hair should I have a live, healthy baby. (Crazy, I know but Im putting it out there)