Gosh

Thank you for your comments on my goodbye post. I never realised how much my story has impacted others!

My decision to stop blogging was based on trying to let go of the past. I sit and stare at my daughters and often think “but Im infertile”. How the hell did this all happen. Infertility was part of my life for so freaking long. I lived and breathed it every day. Every.single.day for 4.5 years I thought about it, read about it, researched it, dealt with it and now its gone. Its like having a splinter in your finger and every day you look at it and wonder how the hell can you get it out. It hurts like hell but starts to become familiar, its your normal. Then one day you look down and its gone. You have immense relief yet you cant believe its gone. How did it happen without you even realising? So in saying this I felt that I need to start cutting ties with my previous life, so I can try and get on with my current one – this blog included. I cant keep living in such disbelief. We had professional newborn photos taken and I look at this person sitting there and still I cant believe its me holding 3 babies.

To be honest I miss blogging, I miss you guys but I dont know how to get this to work. Maybe start a new blog? But then I wonder if Ill get time to blog.

I know Im suffering from PND, I knew it would come as I was warned about it, especially when you have multiples. But as with infertility induced depression you just have to deal with it as best as you can. At least this time round I have 3 beautiful daughters that remind me just how far Ive come.

Ill let you know if I start a new blog, I think Ill have to because I cant blog here any longer its too painful and I dont want to be reminded of IF. Please tell me Im not the only one who feels this way? If you have been pregnant/adopted after IF, do you feel such a disconnect with your current life?

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9 comments so far

  1. Fran on

    Yes!! Start a new blog but do not disappear please!! I was so happy to read your comments on my blog, at least I knew you were reading and I could contact you to find out how you were.
    Strangely enough, for me it was the pregnancy itself that felt totally unreal. I was disconnected then. I still have no memories as such and it bothers me a bit (when I try to remember). Now I feel like I “found” a baby that nobody will take away from me. I look at him and think “you are mine” and I have to repeat it over and over till it feels real. I don’t feel like I want to forget the past (already I have forgotten the pregnancy, but not the grief of the past 4 years) in fact I want to remember it as vividly as possible so that I can be helpful to others going through it. At the very beginning of our struggles, I confided in my SIL (3 children with IVF) for some support from someone “who understand”. Well I didn’t get that much support at all as she was very matter of fact as if she didn’t suffer at all during those 7 years of IF and I just couldn’t believe it. So I don’t want to become like her. My past made me who I am now, I am so so proud of myself for having come through the other side, my relationship with Mike even stronger (while many couples don’t survive) and emotionally (quite) stable. And so you should be proud.
    I’m so sorry you are suffering of PND, I only had a touch of it and felt absolutely terrible…are there support groups you can join?

    On the sleeping through it is not at all a done deal, it seems to be quite random…I think one important thing is that Oliver doesn’t have to be too warm or he wakes up. But last night even though I didn’t have to feed him, he was waking up a bit, making noises etc…so I’m wrecked this morning!
    Sending you love and hugs,
    Fran

  2. Mash on

    Start a new blog. We don’t care if you never have time to update it. A blog is not a ball and chain it’s a lovely space to release stuff and get support as and when you need it!

  3. Marcia on

    I’m so glad… start a new blog – it’s going to be fantastic to get support on the mother stuff. And that’s why my tagline on my blog is what it is because I’m parenting after infertility and I think it affects everything.

    I STILL look at my two and think, “i can’t believe this is me and that these two call me Mummy (well, Mummy and Nennie :))”

    Sorry to hear about your PND (have you read http://theheirtoblair.com – she speaks a lot about her PND) but I love that you were prepared and are getting help.

    You have dealt with all of this in the MOST amazing way.

    (((big hugs)))

  4. darylfaure on

    I would love it if you started a new blog! It is a huge adjustment to make going from IF to new mom (and especially new mom X 3). I worry sometimes, that I am still stuck in the IF phase, because I can’t move away from FC, but IF had such a huge impact on my life, and not all of it negative, so if I can help just one person through my experiences, then it will be worth it.

  5. waiting4amiracle on

    Well it would be great to still read about how you are doing on a new blog. I certainly feel more comfortable on my new blog……I didn’t want to be Skrambled anymore once we had moved on from treatment.

  6. samcy on

    I say start a new blog and see where it takes you. If you wish to continue blogging it will be there for you, if you don’t want to you can always delete it and close shop again…

    Do what feels right for you and your family.

    xxx

  7. Ceejay on

    I think the transition you’ve gone through is probably even more drastic than what most infertiles experience when they get pregnant and have a baby. Most still have in the backs of their minds that they will want more and may have to go through IF procedures again. But you went from an intense experience of infertility to being completely done with it and into an intense experience of motherhood. That’s a huge transition to navigate! Hang in there, and it would be fun to read a blog about parenting triplets!

  8. Abs on

    Dee, personally I’d love for you to start a new blog. Your honesty is SO refreshing. I ‘get’ how you want to let go of the past but why deny yourself a place in which to vent or just share your thoughts? As Sam says, you can always close it again if it does not feel right. I can’t comment on feeling a disconnect from a life with a baby in the house because I’m not quite there yet but as an Intended mom through surrogacy I can honestly say that this indescribable joy and this nesting period seem totally surreal and the disbeleif just wont go away! I think the PND in your case would have a large part to play in this feeling too hun but I don’t think it’s surprising after triplets and the journey you took to welcome them into the world. Well done for recognising it and for admitting to your feelings. Hats off to you sweetheart!

  9. To Love Bella on

    Dee – just the other day I said to Travers that it had suddenly dawned on me that no one was asking us questions regarding children anymore. The pain of not having a child in our life was put away in a box since Isabella’s arrival – not forgotten, ever, but certainly put away.
    I also stare at Isabella in wonder. ALL the time. She’s been sick and rather whiney and particularly clingy; and I find myself not wanting to complain when I JUST Need A Small Break – because I am fully aware of so many others out there who desperately want to be a mommy. Just as I once did.
    Starting a new blog, for me, was part of letting IF go. Starting new and focusing on raising my daughter and just being a mommy. I also didn’t (and still don’t) have time to blog – but that hasn’t made a difference. At least I know that it is here as my outlet.
    And I also found a whole new kind of support too.
    Needless to say, I would LOVE it if you started a new blog. I would love to keep hearing of your beautiful little daughters.


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