Im still around..

Just incase you were wondering, yes Im still around. I have alot going on, we are building an outside entertainment area which has taken up alot of my time, visiting Durban, Buying property, setting up a trust oh and trying to decide on our next treatment. Tonight I am consulting with a fertility astrologer who I am hoping will give me some insight into what treatment plan we should look at.

Last week we had our appointment with our new doctor, Dr LR. We both really like him and he seemed quite caring and concerned which I like in a doctor. Of course he didnt have a miracle cure for our issues which I was hoping for 🙂 but he did give us a run-down of our options – 1. IVF again in Cape Town, 2. DE in Cape Town, 3. Donor embryo transfer. I asked what the protocol would be for an IVF and he said that with the PCOS he has started stimming patients a little differently – he said that the meds given are vital to get a good quality egg. He would stim with a mixture of Gonal-F and Menopur, 2 amps each to start. Obviously Cetrotide when the follies get to around 14mm. He would try and grow the follies for a day or two longer than what Im used to to get them to be larger (around 20mm) and then trigger with Lucrin. He feels that sometimes the trigger may be given too early which is why my eggs dont have a good fertilisation rate – most are still too immature. The Lucrin trigger is to prevent OHSS and is prescribed for PCOS patients (which Ive never done before). All in all he gave us a 20 – 30% success rate, which is not too hot now is it? Now the question is – is it worth the chance? Im not sure it is.

I got my tax return yesterday – lets just say that its enough to pay for another whole IVF cycle, this just goes to show how much I have spent on treatment in the last year.

To be honest Im tired of it, really really tired of hitting my head against a brick wall. Ive been doing alot of thinking since my failed DE cycle, some good and some not so good. I used to walk around with this FEAR that I would never be a mom, an ache in my heart. Thats all gone. All that is left is tiredness, I dont feel mad, sad, angry, impatient, jealous nothing, just tired. I know deep, deep down that I will never give up and that I WILL be a mom one day but somehow that intense feeling of “when?, why me? and what now?” is just not there anymore. Its hard to explain.

I attended a course not so long ago where the presenter said the following: “Fear of failure should not be the driving force for what you do”, it resonanted so deeply with me that I nearly burst out crying. Thats how Ive been living, fearing the possibility of failure, of not being able to conceive, of not being something that I was created to do with all my being and soul. But I refuse to let fear of failure be the driving force in my life. Another thing I have learnt is that there will always be a way, always someone to help you, always options. Im amazed at how many people have offered to help me in some or other way, given me ideas of what my next step should be, offered their eggs to me. I used to think that there was only 1 way of becoming a mom and now I see that there are many, many ways and one of them I am 110% sure WILL be my magical combination. I know it.