Im alive (barely)

So just thought I would post to let you know that I am alive, barely. Last week I actually wished I was dead, how far down the depression hole I have fallen…

The sadness and pain in my heart is still very raw but with the fantastic support of friends and family the healing has begun. I always thought that i would do whatever it takes, how ever many IVF’s needed but I cant keep on knocking my head against a brick wall and getting no-where.

When Dr V called about my beta he mentioned the “D” word (donor). It seems that having done 4 IVF’s with 1 m/c he is worried that we might just continue to waste our time and money. I guess he is right.

The “D” word scares me a bit, still need time to digest it. We both do. But I guess it may be the only way out considering our history.

Big FAT….

fucking negative.

Im finished,klaar, nothing left to give, over and out, this is the end for us. We willnever have our own biological children and i need to come to terms with that. Can you believe it? Never thought the curse of PCOS would go this far. Apparently my eggs are just too crap and there is nothing they can do.

To my cyber and RL friends about to start on this horrendous journey – Robz, Sam, Shaz, April, Kim, Cedge – Best of luck. I hope you guys reach the ultimate dream because that dream has faded for me now.

Im going to be quiet for a while.