Last Post for the Year – “What could have been…”

So it has come to that time. My due date would have been today. Last week I wasn’t really coping and yesterday wasn’t too good, but today Im Ok. Its almost like a weight has been lifted. I haven’t been looking forward to this day for the last 8 months and now that its finally here, it feels better. Now I don’t have to keep on reminding myself – “I would have been x weeks today”. I bought a bottle of champagne yesterday that we will have later – to celebrate “what could have been”, perhaps a bit strange but its my way of coping.

 

Im busy reading “The Shack” and last night I read a part of the book that really struck a cord in me. It is a conversation between Jesus and Mack, the character in the book. I have typed it below:

 

“Do you think humans were designed to live in the past, present or future?” to which Mack replies “the present”. Jesus then asks “but where do you spend most of your time in your mind, present, past or future?” Mack thought before answering “I suppose I would have to say that I spend very little time in the present, a big piece in the past but most of the time I am trying to figure out the future” Jesus replies “not unlike most people. When I dwell with you, I do so in the present, not the past, although much can be learned from remembering and learned by looking back but only for a visit, not an extended stay. And for sure I don’t dwell in the future you visualise or imagine. Mack do you realise that your imagination of the future, which is almost always dictated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you?”

 

Again Mack stopped and thought. It was true. He spent a lot of time fretting and worrying about the future, and in his imaginations it was usually pretty gloomy and depressing, if not outright horrible. Jesus was also correct in saying that God was often absent. “Why do I do that?” asked Mack.

 

“It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you cant. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn’t even real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear”

 

What a powerful piece of writing and its so true – you have absolutely no power of the future, there is no use in stressing and fretting over something you cant control, yet as humans we always imagine the worst. Well guess what – Im ready for 2009! Bring it on. Ive had one of the worst possible years of my life and look Im still standing, perhaps rocky but hey who isn’t.  

 

This will be my last post of the year, I will update everyone once my IVF/ZIFT kicks off next year. I start Lucrin next Sunday (YIPPEE!!!). I hope everyone is blessed with a wonderful festive season and please take care of yourselves. We will meet again in 2009!!

 

Much love

xxx

When it Rains it Pours

I always think that quote in the world of IF – you often get a wave of “baby” days, it happens every so often that for a day or two its filled with babies, people talking about babies, pregnant bellies etc etc. And then it seems to die down again. Ive had a few days like that now.

 

My manager came to see me the other day – she is on maternity leave. She bought her baby, which was fine BUT then decided to BREASTFEED IT IN MY OFFICE!!!!!!! I was so close to telling her to get the fuck out but decided to rather just concentrate on my computer screen. We were trying to have a meeting but all she was doing was saying “coochy coo” to the baby.

 

Next I went out to WW to buy food and there were a few preggie bellies around, then I watched “So you think you can Dance” and again the one dance instructor had a huge belly.

 

Then today I had to sit with a lady from our medical aid to try and work out how much we can claim back on our tax return. We ended up going through a lot of claims and invoices from Vitalab and there were quite a few for the 6^th May – the day we lost our baby. The tears were so close and I think the lady saw that. I just burst out crying after I left her. So silly how it can just creep up on you like that. (The good news is that she said we must start putting all our Vitalab claims through the medical aid and so next year there will just be one amount we can use that was rejected by medical aid – should be a lot with 3 IVF’s in 1 financial year).

 

When I get back to my office – I hear a baby crying, someone has bought their baby AGAIN. Im quite in tune to crying babies perhaps its my maternal instinct kicking in, shame poor thing has to respond to other babies in the meantime.

 

Then after that my minister phoned me to tell me that there were some complications with the birth of his daughter (funnily enough he has a varicocele like my hubby and his wife has PCOS like me so the natural pregnancy was really a miracle). Apparently the baby had a problem with the development of her relux action and was swallowing amniotic fluid into her lungs. She was therefore born 2 months premature and in my minister’s words – the reason why these things happen are unknown to us at the time but without her being born early she would have died without the operation to fix the reflux problem. He has recommended a book to me: The Shack by William P Young, he said it may help with answering a few questions we may have. I’ll let you know how it goes.