Feeling low (again!)

So I saw an old friend over the weekend. She is visiting from the UK. It was so so so so good to see her again, just catch up and chill with her. We even made a stupid video of drinking shooters and loaded up on You-Tube. It was so great to just feel “normal” again. No baby talk, pregnancy mention etc etc. Then today it comes down like a ton of bricks – back to the grind, back to reality and back to just trying to keep my head above water.

Then I made the mistake of Googling my DH’s blood pressure and cholesterol pills and the effect on sperm – not good. Google is actually so effing crap. Its out to scare you. 

I actually sometimes just wonder what am I doing? Sometimes I just want to throw the towel in, say fuck it and get on with life BUT its impossible. I just go round and round and round and round and round and round, making myself dizzy in the process. Bottom line I always come to is I want to be a mother more than anything but shees getting there is just about killing me.

I read a couple of forums including Parents Via Egg Donation (PVED) and this topic came up about doubting whether to have a baby or just carry on with life, just accept what you have. This is the post that really touched me, which I want to share with you:

“You don’t really loose the peace and quiet, but you change to a different kind of peace. The peace you feel when your child is asleep in your arms. The peace you feel when he or she is laying in the playpen and smiling at you while you read a book, and the peace you feel when he or she was sreaming and you managed somehow to calm the baby and there it is overwhelming joy and love you feel.

Yes,  you will have less time to sleep, go out, read and pretty much anything else as well and you might have to start reading lips in order to understand a word of your favorite TV show while the baby is screaming but than at the point where the dark circles under your eyes always reach down to your knees and every piece of clothing you own smells like sour milk and the last time you ate out was in the car driving your baby to the doctor for yet another checkup – at the point when you think you are too tired to stay on your feet a second longer – that’s when it it going to hit you…..this is your miracle, this baby is really yours and nothing else matters.”

Such beautiful words, THIS is why Im doing this – to experience motherhood. I want it so badly I can taste it but at the same time Im terrified and scared for this upcoming cycle. You see being the typical A Type personality I want to try and control everything so now because my eggs are no longer an issue I need to control the sperm quality. I feel like Im going overboard with my DH. I spent R700 at Dischem last week on vitamin supplements for him. I wish I could just chill and just take it as it comes but Im finding it really difficult. I just dont know how to stop the obsession of becoming a mother.


4 comments so far

  1. Leigh from 123 blog on

    I can absolutely understand you wanting to control what you can. This whole journey is so unpredictable that it’s natural to want to have at least one element of control.

    Isn’t it crazy though that we can’t actually control a darn thing?

    Well, let me cheer you up – I’m 25 weeks and I am THIS close to slapping the next person who tells me, “you are SO HUGE. You have HOW FAR to go”

    Of course I’m trying to be all Zen/ Earth mother so I just smile sweetly and tell them that actually I’m within the healthy weight gain for singletons, let alone twins!

  2. Elize on

    I think part of the problem is that we want to be doing something at the very least. Be pro active, trying do the best we can with what we have. We are not able to control conception but we can make the most of what we’ve got. IVF is damn expensive, not just on your pocket but your mind and spirit too. So sitting back is not an option. Humans (or most of us) needs to be busy with something otherwise we would just be a bunch of sloths. I don’t believe its obsessiveness at all, although it may seem so for people on the outside looking in.

    Busying ourselves in preparation for something gives a feeling of purpose. I’m speaking for myself here, and please bear in mind I haven’t done IVF, but it helps to calm me down, I have a purpose, it helps me to deal with feeling inadequite etc. My mom gets so cross with me when I can’t just ‘let go and let God’. And I do to a certain extent, but sitting around waiting feels like passivity and that’s even worse than doing something,anything, even if its googling or buying vitamins.

    Praying for you Dee, really hope you have success with this cycle.

  3. Tam on

    I totally get were you’re coming from sweetie, it’s such a hard place to be and it really sucks. I too wish that I could just give up because sometimes the thought of giving up is easier than the thought of carrying on. I think that a lot of us are at that point now.

    It’s such a personal journey and everyone is different, I too just can’t give up yet, as hard as carrying on is – giving up is not an option yet. I too want to hold my baby in my arms and feel that love, I already feel it now, I know that someday this will all be worth it.

    No-one can tell you when it’s time to stop, I think that if we ever get there, we will feel that it’s time and until then we’ll carry on chasing our dream and praying that it will soon be ours.

    Thinking of you always dear friend.

    Hugs xxx

  4. samcy on

    *sigh* We all know how you feel on this one my friend, we try and be all zen but honestly the desire to be a mother and to get there does not ever go away… until I imagine we succeed.

    Praying for and thinking of you Dee!


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