An honest post

I need to express myself, need to release some of the feelings inside. This post may offend, so be warned.

I want more than anything in the whole world to be pregnant and have a healthy baby, even just 1 will do. I think about it all the time, always analysing, hoping, wishing, praying but I get no-where.

Im at an exasperation level of around 10, Im desperate and I sometimes think I am loosing my mind. On Sunday I cried my eyes out, sobbed infact, lashed out and just became a total and utter wreck. I cried until my eyes were so puffy they couldnt even open. I am so incredibly angry, Im fucked off at the unfairness of our situation. Im angry as hell at God, Im questioning Him. Perhaps I dont know my path, perhaps He does, everyone says dont question Him, just accept. Well I cant. Is God really there? Is God someone who can actually help? One day when I look back at this will I say “ah ha thats why I went through that”? Am I supposed to be learning patience? Compassion? Understanding? What? What the fuck is it that Im supposed to be learning from this?

This weekend I saw INFERTILITY, the cold hard, disgusting demon of infertility. It made me so sad that my heart actually ached, pained in my chest. I confessed to my husband that I have had suicidal thoughts, I wouldnt actually act on it but it scares the crap out of me. Successful, vibrant, intelligent me – killing myself over I.N.F.E.R.T.I.L.I.T.Y and what the hell for? Because I feel like Im inferior, second grade woman – cant even do something so natural. Ive got all the bits yet nothing works. So God what is that all about? Its like buying a new toy and you take it home and its missing a part, irritates the crap out of you now doesnt it? Or you invest in a brand new car and when you drive it away it breaks down because someone forgot to put the oil or brake fluid in. The thing is, these things can be fixed, pretty easily without too much bother. My fucked up ovaries cannot.

So with that being said we have decided to definitely move onto donor eggs. I cant do this anymore. If donor doesnt work then at least I can blame someone else other than me. There is no firm POA but we have started looking through the profiles and the best thing about it is that I feel such a sense of relief. Im scared shitless and so is my Dh but together we can do this, we can build our family or I might die trying.

Feeling very down

Not feeling myself for a number of reasons – let me elaborate:

1. No plan of action, DH and I have stopped talking about DE,IVF etc etc. Its far too draining.

2. Then I watched a stupid talk show (Noleen on 3Talk) where she was talking about infertility. The woman she had on have a couple of  IVF’s and then her doc told her to just “wait 4 months” and see what happens. A blow me down with a frikken feather if she didnt conceive Nat-ur-fucking-ly. With PCOS which “means” she has a poor egg quality. Nothing like a TV program to fuck with your mind. And on the very same TV program the fucking stupid presenter says the following about Tertia Albertyn’s book “its a really funny book, you should read it”. A funny book???? Its the most heartwrenching, sad book ever written, obviously with funny parts but she looses twins, one in utero and the other was borm prematurely. Stupid presenter has no fucking idea.

3. Ive been drinking alot again so last night I tried to not drink and I actually MISSED it. That made me feel like a right real alcoholic, its what my life has been degraded to.

4. We are not going for the HLC genetic testing. It fucking costs R9600!!!!!!!! (approx $960). And medical aid pays for like 10 cents. Besides why waste money if we arent planning on using my eggs again. Fucking, fucking stupid eggs.

5. My Dh is going away for 2 weeks, so it will just be me and the TV for company.

6. All my cyberfriends and RL IF friends seem to be getting on with it. One is adopting, another 5 or so are about to start or are doing treatment, 2 just got their BFP’s and another 2 are preg with twins. Then there is me, pathetic, stupid, ridiculous me with the shitty eggs and stupid irregular cycles. Can you tell Im in the “angry” phase???