More Drama…

So we ended up in the Emergency room at our local hospital yesterday. Not fun. My Dh has been complaining that he doesn’t feel well, he said it felt as if his heart was pumping too hard so we went to go have his blood pressure taken which was 167/98!!! My Dh has suffered before from high BP but nothing as high as this. With regular exercise and healthy eating he managed to get his BP down to normal but it seems the months of unhealthy-ness and laziness have caught up again. Its been 3 months since our last BFN of which I think we have drank and smoked enough to put an entire army to shame! Yesterday was a BIG, BIG wake-up. You cant take your heart for granted, it’s the only thing that keeps you alive! So we have made a pact to just try and be more healthy in general. Try cut out the countless glasses of wine and stub those ciggies out once and for all. I keep on saying we will quit everything once we have a POA but I think that for now infertility can take a back seat because we are not doing this for ttc but actually for our well being.

 

My uncle’s death has also showed me that I need to stop stressing about the future and concentrate on the now. When I heard about his death I wasn’t thinking about infertility (that big dark cloud that always hangs above my head), I was thinking about being with my family in the here and now, in the present and not thinking of anything to do with the future. Life is so precious and it can just be taken in the blink of an eye. These are all the things that I was thinking of in the emergency room. If I lost my Dh due to binge drinking and smoking, Im actually not sure what I would do. Im tired of the pain of infertility but Im more tired of how it rules my life in terms of over-doing everything just to try and numb that ache away. Fuck it Im tired, tired, tired. I always said I would do whatever it takes to be a mother but now Im really not that sure. I want a life where Im not infertile or thinking of the next cycle or thinking of anything except just being content and happy. Wishful thinking I suppose. Ive said it many times before but I’ll say it again – if God did not intend for me to be a mother then why oh why cant he just take this longing out of my heart so I can just breathe normally again?

 

Big FAT….

fucking negative.

Im finished,klaar, nothing left to give, over and out, this is the end for us. We willnever have our own biological children and i need to come to terms with that. Can you believe it? Never thought the curse of PCOS would go this far. Apparently my eggs are just too crap and there is nothing they can do.

To my cyber and RL friends about to start on this horrendous journey – Robz, Sam, Shaz, April, Kim, Cedge – Best of luck. I hope you guys reach the ultimate dream because that dream has faded for me now.

Im going to be quiet for a while.

Downer

Feeling very down. I think its the time of the year – as December draws nearer my anxiety and depression seems to be greater. Every year my company holds a raft race, its on today. I remember last year not being able to make it through the whole day because of a new born baby someone had bought. I cant believe that another year has gone by. I feel so anxious at the moment, even have that knot in my tummy. I feel like asking Dr V if I can increase my anti-dep dosage but I know that wont really help to solve anything. Need to just work thru it I guess. My sister is in Dubai at the moment and I really hope she gets out of there safely with all this bullshit terrorist attacks happening in Mumbai. Thats not helping the stress either.

Got a busy weekend which helps. Please remember World Aids Day on the 1st December, I will be wearing my red ribbon. Will post again next week, I hope the dark clouds will have lifted by then.

“Personal Insight”

So I did one of those “personal insight” questionnaires for work. My manager wants to learn how to manage us (ja whatever).

 

The summary is as follows (taken straight from the report, except obviously whats written in blue):

 

Stress Tolerance

“Dee” recognizes that there is much room for improvement in handling stressful situations. Her attempts to deal with stress are usually associated with experiences of anxiety and nervousness (wouldn’t you be fucking anxious and nervous in an IVF 2ww). There is a marked need to develop better coping skills (ja, its called anti-depressants). The 15FQ+ indicates that “Dee” is currently experiencing extremely high levels of anxiety and has difficulty coping with emotionally grueling situations. (where is my AF/Please stay away/how many follies/whats my E2 level/sperm analysis results/AMH/FSH/waking up at 4:30am to be at VL for a scan to be back at work by 8:30am/Whos pregnant now/PCOS/varicocele/hydrocele/doctors/scans/blood tests/ZIFT/ICSI/when should I test/why the bloody hell am I so useless????? EMOTIONALLY GRUELING YOU SAY???????)

 

Impulse Control

“Dee” might experience occasional or frequent difficulties in resisting or delaying impulses, drives, and temptations to act (where’s the wine and ciggies – Ive had a bad day). There is a need for the recognition for better anger management as an important step toward improvement.

 

MAIN CHARACTERISTICS THAT COULD HINDER PERFORMANCE

 

·          May seem somewhat forceful and inattentive to the needs of others in achieving her objectives. Ja especially pregnant managers

·          May lack self-confidence and be prone to feelings of self-doubt. Will I ever be a mother? Why me?

·          May be seen as tense, forceful and somewhat confrontational. I fucking hate my ovaries

·          At times she may need to work hard to control feelings of irritation or annoyance. Fertile people sitting next to me tend to do this to me.

·          Believing there is one right way to do everything, she may be disinclined to compromise her standards. Damn straight bitch.

·          May tend to have difficulty in maintaining her composure under pressure. Ie Garden Services incident

·          May have difficulty delegating work to others, tending to take on too much herself. Type A personality – Time Urgent Perfectionist DELUXE

·          May at times need to work hard to control feelings of anger or resentment. Why the fuck aren’t I pregnant?

 

 

I think Im turing into a B!itch

I feel like Im turning into a real bitch. I don’t really like ranting and raving at people but lately it seems life is throwing me these curveballs (or am I looking for them???)

 

Firstly, last week I crapped out our contractor who renovated our kitchen – the owner decided to let the workers go off to another job one day without telling us, which peeved me off.

 

Then the infamous “incident” of Saturday night and then yesterday I arrive home after work to find that all 11 lavender bushes that have been planted outside my main wall were in varying degrees of carnage.

 

The #^$&^*())(%#@@ garden services were at my house yesterday and decided it would be a good idea to mow them all down – with only a few strands left here and there. Now before I tell you about the ranting that followed me finding this out, let me back-track to ½ an hour earlier. I left work in the POURING rain and unfortunately my car wasn’t in the normal parking space – it was at the far end of the lot. By the time I got into my car I was DRENCHED, my hair was plastered across my face, make-up running AND I was wearing a white shirt which was stuck against my skin, so I unbuttoned it and drove home. When I arrived home to find my lavender mowed to the ground I literally jumped out the car (no shoes either) and ran outside to see what had happened. I TOTALLY forgot about the unbuttoned shirt – SO my neighbour had also gotten home and she just smiled at me from across the road until I looked down and saw my bra sticking out!! It was pretty funny except I wasn’t laughing. I got inside, called the garden services supervisor and told him to come over to my house and witness the carnage.

 

In the meantime I wrote a letter (in pen on a blank piece of A4 – felt strange with the amount of time Im on the computer!) cancelling my contract with the garden services.

 

He arrived shortly but by this time I had put a raincoat on. I was screaming and shouting at him – showing him the knee high weeds that are left to grow abundantly whilst the lavender is mowed to the ground. I then handed the handwritten note to him to give to the owner and told him that I will not be paying my SIX HUNDRED RAND for November. My husband was quite bewildered at this stage.

 

When I got back inside I looked at myself in the mirror and actually laughed. I was soaking wet and had great big panda eyes from mascara that had run and my hair was plastered all over my head – I looked like a crazy woman. No wonder he offered to replace all 11 bushes!!

 

Think I need to calm down a bit – these outbursts are not good for the blood pressure and stress levels!