More Drama…

So we ended up in the Emergency room at our local hospital yesterday. Not fun. My Dh has been complaining that he doesn’t feel well, he said it felt as if his heart was pumping too hard so we went to go have his blood pressure taken which was 167/98!!! My Dh has suffered before from high BP but nothing as high as this. With regular exercise and healthy eating he managed to get his BP down to normal but it seems the months of unhealthy-ness and laziness have caught up again. Its been 3 months since our last BFN of which I think we have drank and smoked enough to put an entire army to shame! Yesterday was a BIG, BIG wake-up. You cant take your heart for granted, it’s the only thing that keeps you alive! So we have made a pact to just try and be more healthy in general. Try cut out the countless glasses of wine and stub those ciggies out once and for all. I keep on saying we will quit everything once we have a POA but I think that for now infertility can take a back seat because we are not doing this for ttc but actually for our well being.

 

My uncle’s death has also showed me that I need to stop stressing about the future and concentrate on the now. When I heard about his death I wasn’t thinking about infertility (that big dark cloud that always hangs above my head), I was thinking about being with my family in the here and now, in the present and not thinking of anything to do with the future. Life is so precious and it can just be taken in the blink of an eye. These are all the things that I was thinking of in the emergency room. If I lost my Dh due to binge drinking and smoking, Im actually not sure what I would do. Im tired of the pain of infertility but Im more tired of how it rules my life in terms of over-doing everything just to try and numb that ache away. Fuck it Im tired, tired, tired. I always said I would do whatever it takes to be a mother but now Im really not that sure. I want a life where Im not infertile or thinking of the next cycle or thinking of anything except just being content and happy. Wishful thinking I suppose. Ive said it many times before but I’ll say it again – if God did not intend for me to be a mother then why oh why cant he just take this longing out of my heart so I can just breathe normally again?

 

Lonely…

DH is away. I hate it when he goes overseas. I often think well if I had children, I could keep myself busy but otherwise why cook for one? I’ll just eat a Woolies meal and drink a couple of glassess of my fav Drosty Hof Light, 1.5L bottle.

We got this awesome new lounge suite, its one of these reclining ones, in oxblood leather. Its devine, so I will sit in that, recline and watch Grey’s without disturbance, although I would rather have the disurbance.

I used to be such a social person but since IF hit my life, I have started to become such a recluse. Today a colleague asked me over for dinner and I just about fell over trying to think of an excuse not to go. I would actually rather be alone than around people with kids. How sad is that. Andrea mentioned in her posting today that she has a limit of pregnancy/baby talk with others well my limit is zero. I just dont do baby talk. I was in a meeting earlier that ended early. Two women started talking about their children – I couldnt shut my laptop down fast enough. Im in total self-preservation mode and I dont care either.

Feeling very down

Not feeling myself for a number of reasons – let me elaborate:

1. No plan of action, DH and I have stopped talking about DE,IVF etc etc. Its far too draining.

2. Then I watched a stupid talk show (Noleen on 3Talk) where she was talking about infertility. The woman she had on have a couple of  IVF’s and then her doc told her to just “wait 4 months” and see what happens. A blow me down with a frikken feather if she didnt conceive Nat-ur-fucking-ly. With PCOS which “means” she has a poor egg quality. Nothing like a TV program to fuck with your mind. And on the very same TV program the fucking stupid presenter says the following about Tertia Albertyn’s book “its a really funny book, you should read it”. A funny book???? Its the most heartwrenching, sad book ever written, obviously with funny parts but she looses twins, one in utero and the other was borm prematurely. Stupid presenter has no fucking idea.

3. Ive been drinking alot again so last night I tried to not drink and I actually MISSED it. That made me feel like a right real alcoholic, its what my life has been degraded to.

4. We are not going for the HLC genetic testing. It fucking costs R9600!!!!!!!! (approx $960). And medical aid pays for like 10 cents. Besides why waste money if we arent planning on using my eggs again. Fucking, fucking stupid eggs.

5. My Dh is going away for 2 weeks, so it will just be me and the TV for company.

6. All my cyberfriends and RL IF friends seem to be getting on with it. One is adopting, another 5 or so are about to start or are doing treatment, 2 just got their BFP’s and another 2 are preg with twins. Then there is me, pathetic, stupid, ridiculous me with the shitty eggs and stupid irregular cycles. Can you tell Im in the “angry” phase???

Internal Struggle

Ive been thinking about this post the whole day. I feel like Im having an internal struggle inside. I want to be a mom more than anything in the whole world, I want to create a family with my husband.  But I keep on having this nagging feeling that perhaps its not our time yet? Do you believe in such things? Maybe there is a message in 3 failed IVF’s and a m/c. Im scared shitless to try another IVF and what if Im actually pushing something that isn’t meant to be? Maybe not now (or ever)? I just cant imagine a life without children which is what gives me the strength to go on BUT at the same time I just wish I knew the answer of “how long”. Im actually just tired, tired of thinking, tired of waiting, tired of pleading, tired of peeing on things, hoping to see lines, Im tired of being tired. Everyone around me (also ttc) seems to have so much energy and positivity and patience. Well Ive run out BIG TIME. I have been feeling like this for a good few days but everything sort of culminated on Saturday night. We went out for drinks and I ended up getting so unbelievably drunk. I just didn’t care any more, couldn’t care less about the future. I just wanted to HAVE FUN. I know drinking doesn’t solve anything but it makes me FEEL better, even if its just for a while.

 

I know I will be a mom, one way or another but right now its like my energy has been sucked out of me, I actually cant think of ttc anymore. As soon as my next period arrives Im going onto the pill, I just cant anymore.

 

I want to post about a rather contraversial topic – praying. I would like others views. But I just dont have the energy today.

xxx