What if?

I feel slightly happier than I have in months but its due to a chemical happiness. Im still anxious though. I hate anxiety its such a waste of time, yet its a feeling that is always with me. Im anxious about the future. As the days/years roll by I wonder if this is going to be it? This is me for the rest of my days – anxious, relying on chemicals to be happy and continuosly planning a treatment cycle. Its freaking tiring.

4 Years ago I threw my BCP’s out the window and decided on baby names. Each time a friend/family member announces their birth I brace myself incase they use our names. The names that should be our living, breathing babies. Shit its been a long journey to where I am now. A shitty, shitty journey.

What if we never have children? What will I do? Im far, far from ready to give up but the thought of living a child-free life is still there in the back of my head and seems to surface more than I would like it to. I dont know if I can do it but then again do I want almost my entire adult life to be taken up by thoughts of ttc? What if we look into adoption? What if that fails? What next? I might as well tattoo “FAILURE” on my forehead.

Or should I be like Tertia and put it out there thet I will just, plain and simply never give up? Tertia writes “Because I can’t give up. Even being through all the pain I have been through, and living this hell daily, I still can’t give up. Because giving up is scarier to me than carrying on. A childfree future is just not an option for me. Which means that I am never giving up.”

I cant give up either but sometimes this drive within me makes me tired. And no, I wont give myself a break. Ill have a break when Im staring into my baby’s eyes. For those that have crossed over from IF to parenthood, please tell me Im not crazy, that I should keep going. Tell me its worth it. To see your tummy grow and feel your child kick you from the inside, is it ALL worth it?

Please tell me this IF pain will ease one day.