Archive for the ‘Depression’ Category

Its been a while

Im at home, sick as a dog. Throat infection and just generally run down.

Ive been working hard the last few weeks and its been good. Its nice to feel like you are doing something other than wallowing in self pity. Thoughts of ttc have been pushed to the back of my mind and Im surprised that Ive been able to do it with more ease than I thought possible, although its also been only a week or so.

We painted our bedroom and took up the (old, yuk, dusty) carpets. Our bedroom is now a beautiful soft stone colour and we getting laminated flooring installed next week. I love redecorating because then I have a room exactly as I want it to be. Our room used to have these stupid animals on a wallpaper border around the whole room, I hated it! We have commissioned an artist from Cape Town to paint us a stunning painting that we are going to hang above our bed. Ill take pics when its all finished. The last room in our house to be painted is the spare room soon to be nursery. I remember standing in that room almost 2 years ago, having just got my BFP and dreaming of what we were going to put where, colour schemes and watching our baby grow up. I still have that dream but its just getting so much harder to hold on to the faith that its going to happen. I go onto forums now and actually get jealous of those who have succeeded on their first, second and even third IVF, isnt that just so stupid? IVF isnt a walk in the park at any stage and I keep on just having to remind that terrible green monster on my shoulder.

So hubby and I decided that we are going to paint the nursery, its going to be the same colour as our room that way it will be ok for a boy or a girl (or both) 🙂 I mean how can we both be scared of a room in our house? Its ridiculous. So thats the mission for this weekend. Painting of the “soon to be” nursery.

And with that Im going to watch the taped “So.you.think.you.can.dance”. I love not being at work he he.

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What if?

I feel slightly happier than I have in months but its due to a chemical happiness. Im still anxious though. I hate anxiety its such a waste of time, yet its a feeling that is always with me. Im anxious about the future. As the days/years roll by I wonder if this is going to be it? This is me for the rest of my days – anxious, relying on chemicals to be happy and continuosly planning a treatment cycle. Its freaking tiring.

4 Years ago I threw my BCP’s out the window and decided on baby names. Each time a friend/family member announces their birth I brace myself incase they use our names. The names that should be our living, breathing babies. Shit its been a long journey to where I am now. A shitty, shitty journey.

What if we never have children? What will I do? Im far, far from ready to give up but the thought of living a child-free life is still there in the back of my head and seems to surface more than I would like it to. I dont know if I can do it but then again do I want almost my entire adult life to be taken up by thoughts of ttc? What if we look into adoption? What if that fails? What next? I might as well tattoo “FAILURE” on my forehead.

Or should I be like Tertia and put it out there thet I will just, plain and simply never give up? Tertia writes “Because I can’t give up. Even being through all the pain I have been through, and living this hell daily, I still can’t give up. Because giving up is scarier to me than carrying on. A childfree future is just not an option for me. Which means that I am never giving up.”

I cant give up either but sometimes this drive within me makes me tired. And no, I wont give myself a break. Ill have a break when Im staring into my baby’s eyes. For those that have crossed over from IF to parenthood, please tell me Im not crazy, that I should keep going. Tell me its worth it. To see your tummy grow and feel your child kick you from the inside, is it ALL worth it?

Please tell me this IF pain will ease one day.

January Blues

It seems to me that a lot of fellow bloggers are battling emotionally. For those in the same boat as me (repeated IVF failure), its hard to deal with the reflections of 2009 and trying to look forward with optimism to 2010. The festive season, it appears, was hard for a lot of us. Im still battling. I wanted to make an appointment to see my therapist but I just don’t have the energy to go over there and speak to her (she’s at my old clinic and I think that’s another reason why I don’t want to go there). Maybe Ill call her.

We see our new FS next week Wednesday. The plan is that we want to try another IVF, using our own gametes. I haven’t had any stim meds since last year January so Im hoping that I can produce some nice eggs. We want to try PICSI this time round and also want to do the sperm DNA test that this clinic offers. I think going to a new clinic gives us a bit more hope, oh and its cheaper, so less time needed to save. We are looking at an April cycle, just as the astrologer said. If this cycle works I’ll fly to London and kiss her myself.  

Ive started googling “egg quality” half to death. Ive started eating my carbs before 3pm to try and help with the insulin spike at night interfering with the growth hormone. Im on Vit E, C, omegas, antioxidants and Wheatgrass.

B.R.I.N.G-I.T-O.N. Any other suggestions on how to improve egg quality?  

So, this is me – gearing up for IVF #7. Lucky 7 I believe. Its strange that after a year of conditioning my mind towards donor egg, now we will be using my own eggs again. I think I gave up too quickly on myself. I wanted a baby so much and I was pretty certain DE would be the key and now I see that perhaps it isn’t. If I am honest with myself, it would mean the world to me to be able to have a child that is genetically mine and DH’s but if that is not meant to be then Im OK with that too. This is all a journey but what I wouldn’t give for a magic crystal ball.

New Year, Same Thoughts

I have a thousand different things going on in my head. Ive been back from my holiday and back in civilisation (read: internet connection) since Saturday and have wanted to update my blog since then and every time I start a post I end up just stopping because what can I actually say? Not much. Maybe I should wish everyone a Happy New Year? But then how happy is it? 2009 sucked big time but then 2008 sucked even more.

Im glad the festive season is over, Im glad to be back home in the comfort of my own home, doing my own thing and not having to answer to my parents again (its really draining staying at ones parents house).

The holidays started with a bang. A big bang in the form of another cycle down the drain. I obviously hadn’t been drinking since I started cycling way back then so I hit the booze hard. It was great, well not really. Hangovers aren’t not that great. I’d rather have morning sickness but I digress… Christmas Day was spent with 20 family members and 1 baby. I had to watch as my parents held and played and filmed and photographed her. It hurt. A LOT. The tears were prickling behind my eyelids for most of the day. I have started on AD’s again and thank goodness I have because I swear it was that bad.  I used to love Christmas, it was one of my favourite times of the year but now its just another day to get through.  

We were invited to the baby christening which we declined to go to. I got some words from my mother for that. She told me “its not the baby’s fault” which got me huffy as who’s fault is it then? Certainly not mine.

New Years was a nightmare. Lets just say it turned messy and I hated bringing in the new year like that. Every year I wonder “is this going to be the year?” and this year I didn’t think anything, infact 2010 clicked in without much of a second thought. Needless to say the first 2 days of this year passed in a guilt trip of note. Finally I snapped myself out of it making myself believe that 2010 will be a better year, it has to be, please let it be.

This is my horoscope for 2010, it sounds better than I feel:

Year 2010 Overview

Taurus always gets tagged with things like “pleasure-seeking” and “materialistic.” That’s probably unfair, in most cases. You’re just as good at dishing out the pleasure as you are at seeking it, and who doesn’t like a few nice things around? Sadly, there’s been just too much struggle in your life the last couple of years when it comes to those two very important parts of your life. Thankfully, 2010 marks the end of that long uphill struggle. Your pleasurable pursuits have been a little more restricted than you’d like over the course of the last two years or so. That’s over with now, so … game on!

The big events this year will not so much be a matter of major happenings as they will be things that have been in the works and are slowly revealing themselves. In the last two years, you’ve put a lot of work into what makes you happy, while Saturn transited your solar Fifth House. Now that those pressures are finally being relieved, you’ll find you are finally gaining traction. Certainly, your love life and your career will feel the difference, but beyond that you’ll notice things going a lot better in other departments of your life. You may have already noticed some of these changes starting to kick in; the real results start happening around your birthday in 2010.

Not much to say

I got up at exactly 3:33am, decided not to prolong the agony any longer, pee’d on 2 different sticks. Stood hovering over the test while it developed. Watching the test line like a hawk. And yet again in the 4 years of ttc I saw nothing, just stark whiteness. Waited a few more minutes. Turned to my husband, shook my head, we stood hugging one another like we always do when we get a negative result. And went back to bed, it was 3:44am. It took 11 minutes to crush my heart again.

Next steps?

1. Drink until I forget.

2. Say farewell to my current clinic. I know they have gotten it right with literally thousands of other women but they haven’t found the magic recipe for us. Whats that saying? Three strikes and you out, well six strikes makes you double out.

3. I have found a clinic in Jhb that does a sperm fragmentation test. Its not the same as the one in the USA but it will at least give us an indication of what we are looking at and also at a fraction of the price (thanks to the commentors/emails on my previous post, Ive learnt a lot about fragmentation). Already made an appointment for the 13th January.

4. Never give up.

What fucked with my head is the fact that I had pretty much come to terms with the fact that this cycle was a bust. The first week and a bit I got on with things, knowing what the result was likely to be. Then the last few days Ive had every fricken pregnancy symptom known to man. Sore, tender breasts, burning nipples, lower back ache, funny taste in my mouth, sharp shooting cramps, hunger pangs, tiredness, nausea etc etc and then my friend Hope came to visit. I started thinking what if this actually did work? That’s the worst part, the let down.

My hubby and I just sat this morning starting into space. I said to him I just don’t know what to say anymore, there are no words anymore for this. And in the words of a friend of mine, its ridiculous now. Its becoming a joke. I actually cant tell people anymore how many IVF’s Ive done because Im embarrassed! How absolutely devastatingly sad is that?