What if?

I feel slightly happier than I have in months but its due to a chemical happiness. Im still anxious though. I hate anxiety its such a waste of time, yet its a feeling that is always with me. Im anxious about the future. As the days/years roll by I wonder if this is going to be it? This is me for the rest of my days – anxious, relying on chemicals to be happy and continuosly planning a treatment cycle. Its freaking tiring.

4 Years ago I threw my BCP’s out the window and decided on baby names. Each time a friend/family member announces their birth I brace myself incase they use our names. The names that should be our living, breathing babies. Shit its been a long journey to where I am now. A shitty, shitty journey.

What if we never have children? What will I do? Im far, far from ready to give up but the thought of living a child-free life is still there in the back of my head and seems to surface more than I would like it to. I dont know if I can do it but then again do I want almost my entire adult life to be taken up by thoughts of ttc? What if we look into adoption? What if that fails? What next? I might as well tattoo “FAILURE” on my forehead.

Or should I be like Tertia and put it out there thet I will just, plain and simply never give up? Tertia writes “Because I can’t give up. Even being through all the pain I have been through, and living this hell daily, I still can’t give up. Because giving up is scarier to me than carrying on. A childfree future is just not an option for me. Which means that I am never giving up.”

I cant give up either but sometimes this drive within me makes me tired. And no, I wont give myself a break. Ill have a break when Im staring into my baby’s eyes. For those that have crossed over from IF to parenthood, please tell me Im not crazy, that I should keep going. Tell me its worth it. To see your tummy grow and feel your child kick you from the inside, is it ALL worth it?

Please tell me this IF pain will ease one day.


15 comments so far

  1. Cedge on

    When speaking to the fortunate people (parents), most will say that being a parent is an experience like no other. I believe them because the evidence is there. And I am positive that this IF pain will be worth it in the end.

    I pray that we will get there one day soon. Like you said … giving up now is not an option.

  2. Sharon on

    Dee, there is ALWAYS a way, I believe my situation is living proof of that. Its just dependant on how far you’re willing to go, on what you’re willing to sacrifice to get to the end of the road. And you know, I did sacrifice for my miracle, I’ll never know what it feels like to feel a baby move inside me, to experience birth for myself or to have a child that carries mine and W’s genes. But after 7 years it stopped being about that and was all about the child and that was why we went the adoption route. And that WON”T fail, it may take a while, but it won’t fail.
    Hang in there, if the time comes to give up, you will know, you will have peace about your decision and it will not cause you anxiety. The fact that you have anxiety now is a clear sign that you are no where near ready to give up.
    May this be the cycle for you!

  3. Leigh from 123 blog on

    It is definitely worth it – C told me that when she was pregnant and I was still on the IVF bandwagon and I didn’t quite believe her but now I can say it IS worth it.

    Hang in there, Persistent One.

    And if you need chemicals to stay sane, so be it. It’s called survival 🙂

  4. skrambled on

    I certainly can’t stop. Living child free is not an option for me at this moment. I feel so close to success!

  5. Clare on

    It has to be worth it. It has to be. In fact I know it will be. The reason we go through all this crap is because what we will have, what we hope to have, is the most precious thing anyone could ever have. So we keep trying. Through the tears and the pain, we soldier on. Sending big hugs.

  6. KandiB on

    It is worth it. It’s worth being a parent. Yes…I did get to see my belly swell and the kicking, but honestly, I don’t remember any of that. I see a little girl who is learning from us every day. Who smiles and loves me unconditionally, who is OURS. Keep focused that a CHILD is your desired outcome…however that may come. That’s where we’re at now. Faced w/secondary infertility, spending another $40K isn’t an option. We know we want to be parents. We want a family…however our story plays out. If it’s adoption, we’ll still have a child in the end. Don’t give up on your dream and your goal 🙂 ICLW

  7. Elize on

    Hon, I really feel for you. If the thought of living child free is NOT an option, then don’t give up, don’t even think about it, you’re just causing yourself more anxiety. I may never know if it will be worth it, but I believe the people who says it is. As for the OTT, apparently inofolic is excellent for sperm and egg quality as well as all other cells in your body. Just a thought since you’re already taking everything you can. Sorry. I was also OTT like that. And I searched my ass off for Royal Jelly but could not find a reliable source. So glad you found one. It never felt like I was doing enough without the Royal Jelly. Sigh.

  8. Rach on

    I’ll be the black sheep and admit that we’ve given up. Living childfree was never an option for me either but my sanity became more of a priority, as did my survival. 10years of trying and 7 miscarriages knocked not only my confidence and my heart but also my sanity, to the point of reaching breaking point.

    And while I agree to a certain extent when Sharon says there is always a way, there wasn’t and isn’t for us, so I agree for others there maybe but not for us. Cest la vie.

    I say try for as long as you can stand to but also be very aware that there will be a breaking point, how long til you reach it, only you can know that.


  9. jill on

    I can’t tell you it’s worth it since I wonder that as well. I do believe though that with enough determination almost anything is possible and you sound like you have tons of determination! I’m hoping for you!

  10. Marisa on

    I feel what you’re saying!!!

  11. junebug on

    I wish I had an answer. My husband asked me the same thing this evening. I feel like tertia. I don’t want to keep holding on but I’m more afraid to keep going.

  12. Andie on

    Good luck for your cycle. Hoping for you.

    All I can say is, I hear you on the tired. After four years and multiple losses, I am exhausted.

    If you are not ready to give up, then keep going, you will find a path to achieve your dream.


  13. samcy on

    All I can say is that I hope you find out that it WAS all worth it sooner rather than later my friend.


  14. ttcnot2easy on

    I can’t offer you any advice, Dee, as we’re going through this revolting journey too. Just wanted to say that I’m thinking of you and I hope that you are feeling better soon.

  15. Erika on

    Baby names… We NEVER discussed them at all until my dad passed away and I said I thought if we had the first grandson he should be named after him… Family and friends babies are exactly why, plus I’m a teacher so every name has a story! Good luck as you continue on your journey! Happy ICLW!

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