Last Post for the Year – “What could have been…”

So it has come to that time. My due date would have been today. Last week I wasn’t really coping and yesterday wasn’t too good, but today Im Ok. Its almost like a weight has been lifted. I haven’t been looking forward to this day for the last 8 months and now that its finally here, it feels better. Now I don’t have to keep on reminding myself – “I would have been x weeks today”. I bought a bottle of champagne yesterday that we will have later – to celebrate “what could have been”, perhaps a bit strange but its my way of coping.

 

Im busy reading “The Shack” and last night I read a part of the book that really struck a cord in me. It is a conversation between Jesus and Mack, the character in the book. I have typed it below:

 

“Do you think humans were designed to live in the past, present or future?” to which Mack replies “the present”. Jesus then asks “but where do you spend most of your time in your mind, present, past or future?” Mack thought before answering “I suppose I would have to say that I spend very little time in the present, a big piece in the past but most of the time I am trying to figure out the future” Jesus replies “not unlike most people. When I dwell with you, I do so in the present, not the past, although much can be learned from remembering and learned by looking back but only for a visit, not an extended stay. And for sure I don’t dwell in the future you visualise or imagine. Mack do you realise that your imagination of the future, which is almost always dictated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you?”

 

Again Mack stopped and thought. It was true. He spent a lot of time fretting and worrying about the future, and in his imaginations it was usually pretty gloomy and depressing, if not outright horrible. Jesus was also correct in saying that God was often absent. “Why do I do that?” asked Mack.

 

“It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you cant. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn’t even real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear”

 

What a powerful piece of writing and its so true – you have absolutely no power of the future, there is no use in stressing and fretting over something you cant control, yet as humans we always imagine the worst. Well guess what – Im ready for 2009! Bring it on. Ive had one of the worst possible years of my life and look Im still standing, perhaps rocky but hey who isn’t.  

 

This will be my last post of the year, I will update everyone once my IVF/ZIFT kicks off next year. I start Lucrin next Sunday (YIPPEE!!!). I hope everyone is blessed with a wonderful festive season and please take care of yourselves. We will meet again in 2009!!

 

Much love

xxx

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8 comments so far

  1. April on

    **big hugs**

  2. Geohde on

    I am sorry.

    Unfilled due dates are hard. Very hard.

    J

  3. Beth on

    I am praying for you today, your post really meant so much to me and I am so thankful for your words! I know that today is hard, and I know it is bitter sweet, know you are being thought about and prayed for right now!
    Lots of Love!

  4. samcy on

    Super powerful! Thank you so much for sharing that with us.

    Praying for you Dee. Here’s to 2009!

    xxx

  5. Shaz on

    I really pray 2009 will be a better year for all of us.
    (((Hugs)))

  6. In Due Time on

    (((Hugs))) Here’s to hope and prayers for the new year.

    ICLW

  7. April on

    just wanted to let you know that i have been thinking about you…..

  8. 0pt1mu5 on

    Do you think that people that live in the present are just “drifters”, not looking much forward, no plans, no expectations? How does one spend more time in the present than in the future? How does one think about “now”?

    “I am now at the desk this Thursday morning, 9:45. chewing on a fatty piece of kudu droewors, knowing that I shouldn’t (because it’s so fatty). And I’m reading blogs on fertilicare to see what people are thinking and going through. And they’re all just as depressed as I am. Yes, I suppose I’m depressed too. This droewors is revolting. I should start some work now…”


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