Decisions, decisions


AF arrived today. Kind of out of the blue. But Im used to that. Why is it that the sight of blood makes your mood nose dive? I spoke to J at lunch today about our future plans. I’ll be going onto the pill as from tomorrow. Will then start Lucrin in December, looks like it might be around the day I would have been due with the little one we lost, which is fitting I guess. Start stims late December and onto IVF/ICSI/ZIFT. This will probably be our last cycle with VL, hopefully our last cycle ever.


For the next 3 months it will be getting back to healthy eating, cutting down on the alcohol and saying goodbye to my Marlboros. Smoking isn’t really an issue, Im not really a heavy smoker to start with and just with this last BFN it has been getting a bit heavier. The issue is really getting my mind around the whole “starting again”, how many more fucking times will we have to “start again”? Just thinking of the last BFN made the tears well up. Can we do this again? Im so terrified.  


7 comments so far

  1. April on

    😦 I know the feeling well. I hate how I KNOW my beta is negative, but still when I see AF I just get so pissed off. I hate that you have to go through this. I find that I usually feel like you do for the first week or two, then I make peace with it and can start behaving normally again (no more moody outbursts, no more crying at silly commercials, etc). I wouldn’t cut off the alcohol totally. 🙂 Although inappropriate at times it certianly is a nice way to medicate or escape.

    I know what you mean about the PCOS, too. I have all of these OPKs, but have no idea when to actually start using them. Sometimes my cycles were 27 days….sometimes 60+. hmmmmm…… and i am not sure i ever really ovulated, even when doing all of my IUIs. I’m just not convinced.


  2. Joni on

    Hey Dee

    Yay, I see you’re blog entries are getting longer!!!

    I soo hope your last cycle will be the ONE!!!!

    Hey if you need help quitting just shout I gave up on the 26th of November last year! It’s been tough but I did it, I think cutting down on the booze for the first couple of months made it soo soo much easier to resist the cravings!!!

    Can’t wait to meet you soon!! And I believe you are such a strong women, those BFN’s don’t get any easier and I haven’t even started with the IVF’s yet!!!

  3. mozzie01 on

    Dee, this will be it my dear! And hopefully we can be cycle buddies! Our BFPs are just around the corner! (((hugs)))

  4. Nix on

    I hear you my dear. I really feel for you. I’m also dying to meet you on the 1 Nov. Hopefully you’ll still have 1 smoke with me then. *wink*

  5. Shaz on

    Dee, I’m feeling the same as you at the moment, how many more fucking times do we have to start again, how many more fucking disappointments do we need to deal with before this happens for us.

    Good luck with the quitting and for you next IVF, I really pray that will be the one for you.

  6. Robz on

    Oh my friend, AF is something we all despise on this crappy journey and then we at times can’t wait for it so we can just get going but saying all this does not make the getting starting, getting going thing easier and having to go through all the injections, scans and those wonderful early mornings its just a load of S……!!!!.

    But just know i am praying that this is the LAST for you and DH and this will bring you the most preious and awesome 9 months in 2009.

    thinking of you friend.


  7. samcy on

    Honey, I’m so sorry that you’re in this place right now!

    I am praying for you that this last cycle is the magical one and that you get to hold your baby in your arms soon. Best of luck for quitting smoking – you can do it! Try and enjoy the next three months as much as possible while getting yourself ready for the IVF.

    I know that these disappointments are the pits and that the thought of another one is terrifying but try and remain focused on the end prize. You WILL be a Mommy… You will…


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