Feeling very down

Not feeling myself for a number of reasons – let me elaborate:

1. No plan of action, DH and I have stopped talking about DE,IVF etc etc. Its far too draining.

2. Then I watched a stupid talk show (Noleen on 3Talk) where she was talking about infertility. The woman she had on have a couple of  IVF’s and then her doc told her to just “wait 4 months” and see what happens. A blow me down with a frikken feather if she didnt conceive Nat-ur-fucking-ly. With PCOS which “means” she has a poor egg quality. Nothing like a TV program to fuck with your mind. And on the very same TV program the fucking stupid presenter says the following about Tertia Albertyn’s book “its a really funny book, you should read it”. A funny book???? Its the most heartwrenching, sad book ever written, obviously with funny parts but she looses twins, one in utero and the other was borm prematurely. Stupid presenter has no fucking idea.

3. Ive been drinking alot again so last night I tried to not drink and I actually MISSED it. That made me feel like a right real alcoholic, its what my life has been degraded to.

4. We are not going for the HLC genetic testing. It fucking costs R9600!!!!!!!! (approx $960). And medical aid pays for like 10 cents. Besides why waste money if we arent planning on using my eggs again. Fucking, fucking stupid eggs.

5. My Dh is going away for 2 weeks, so it will just be me and the TV for company.

6. All my cyberfriends and RL IF friends seem to be getting on with it. One is adopting, another 5 or so are about to start or are doing treatment, 2 just got their BFP’s and another 2 are preg with twins. Then there is me, pathetic, stupid, ridiculous me with the shitty eggs and stupid irregular cycles. Can you tell Im in the “angry” phase???


10 comments so far

  1. Joni on

    Oh No Dee, I am soo soo sorry you’re in a bad place right now!!!! Hugs!!!

    Fancy coming through for lunch and a drinkie whilst your hubby is away or Jaco and I can come through to you???

    Noeleen is a freaking fat cow who KNOWS fuckin nothing, nada, vokol!!!!!! Stupid fucking bitch!!! I mean really!!!!!!!

    Wait and see what Dr P has to say, let him run some tests…. he says my heavy metals aren’t too much to freak out about…. just need to live healthier but the Cushings is a fuck up…….

    Let me know about the dinner and drinkie, at least you won’t be drinking alone which won’t make you an alcoholic…… for that one ocassion!!!

  2. Cedge on

    Joni is right, that Noeleen is just a presenter and does not know much!!That is why I did not bother watching the show.

    I am also in limbo, wish I was doing something! why couldn’t I have been one of your lucky friends who got that BFP??

    I took out my baby “good luck” items the other nite and I bawled out my eye for ages. I felt like I was in the pit of despair.

    to top it off, I got an invite for my manager’s wife’s baby shower. She is expecting twin boys. She did her first ivf cycle the same time as me and they got that BFP. How unlucky am I?

    Hang in there.

    sending u lots of hugs.

  3. Robz on

    Oh friend thank goodness i did not watch the show cause also would of probably jumped through the TV and knocked her out. Honestly what do they know anyways.

    Friend let me know when J is away and i alone will be there to drink, eat, and just talk shit and then fall down drunk.

    Just sent you a email which prob does not help your heart today sorry did not mean too.


  4. samcy on

    *sigh* That’s why I never watched the stupid show, Noleen grates me big time. I’m sorry that you’re in the angry phase but it is unfortunatley part of the healing process my friend. And cut yourself some slack on the drinking thing – you are not an alcoholic sometimes it just helps to have that bottle of wine – I know I’ve been there done that.

    You’re not alone honey. We’re here for you.


  5. Shaz on

    Dee, I so get how you’re feeling! Trust me, I’ve been panic stations all week knowing about E’s BFP and Sam’s IVF! I’ve been freaking out with MAJOR left behind syndrome!!!
    Good call on the HLA’s. They’re only worth doing if you plan to use your own eggs.

    As for THAT talk show, I chooose to just ignore it. Aside from Tertia I don’t take any of what else was said with any crediblity.

    Hang in there Skat, this totally sux but its part of the whole sh*tty process!

  6. Leigh from 123 blog on

    Oh, you poor thing!

    I know it’s terrible to read about others’ happy news especially when you want it so bad yourself. That’s why I feel so guilty sometimes.

    It’s hard to believe and you’ll want to slap me … (as I wanted to slap others who said it to me) but one day you will have your miracle and it will feel like this all happened to a different person.

    I would have loved to have seen that programme, only to make notes and then write them a long email afterwards.

  7. strongblonde on

    i really, really wish i could give you a big hugh right now. (that damn octomom and all of her cronies are getting all of the press over here. oprah even had the dad on this past week. it’s killing me.)


  8. Elize on

    Hi Dee, Im so sorry you’re going through such a difficult time. I agree with Sam, it’s neccesary to be angry too. You need to work through those feelings. ((HUGS)) And don’t worry about the alcohol issue. I know they say alcohol doesn’t take your problems away but it sure helped me to cope with it. There had been months when I couldn’t face going home knowing there was no wine there. It will get better.

    I was so dissapointed that I missed 3 talk, I really wanted to see what all the fuss was about, but now Im glad I never got to see. I can’t stand that programme in any case.

    Hope you feel better soon.

  9. KandiB on

    When my DH is gone, I have lots of wine, cheese, and cracker dinners. Nothing else. Just lots of all of them. So, I will not judge if you do the same…waking up at wee hours of the morning with a pounding head and some annoying infomercial about a ridiculous thigh exercising machine.


  10. Maritza on

    Ai toggie Dee, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away. Praying for lots of strength to carry you through this horrible slump.

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