Internal Struggle

Ive been thinking about this post the whole day. I feel like Im having an internal struggle inside. I want to be a mom more than anything in the whole world, I want to create a family with my husband.  But I keep on having this nagging feeling that perhaps its not our time yet? Do you believe in such things? Maybe there is a message in 3 failed IVF’s and a m/c. Im scared shitless to try another IVF and what if Im actually pushing something that isn’t meant to be? Maybe not now (or ever)? I just cant imagine a life without children which is what gives me the strength to go on BUT at the same time I just wish I knew the answer of “how long”. Im actually just tired, tired of thinking, tired of waiting, tired of pleading, tired of peeing on things, hoping to see lines, Im tired of being tired. Everyone around me (also ttc) seems to have so much energy and positivity and patience. Well Ive run out BIG TIME. I have been feeling like this for a good few days but everything sort of culminated on Saturday night. We went out for drinks and I ended up getting so unbelievably drunk. I just didn’t care any more, couldn’t care less about the future. I just wanted to HAVE FUN. I know drinking doesn’t solve anything but it makes me FEEL better, even if its just for a while.

 

I know I will be a mom, one way or another but right now its like my energy has been sucked out of me, I actually cant think of ttc anymore. As soon as my next period arrives Im going onto the pill, I just cant anymore.

 

I want to post about a rather contraversial topic – praying. I would like others views. But I just dont have the energy today.

xxx

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4 comments so far

  1. Shaz on

    Hey Dee
    Its a good idea to take a break to you can restore some of your energy. Its ok to be tired and gatvol, God know’s this is a tough journey and we all need to stop along the way to take a breather and gain some strength.
    As for the just wanting to have fun, I hear you sister I’ve been doing it for a year.
    I’m very keen to read your posting about praying because its something I battle with.

  2. Elize on

    I’ve had the exact same internal struggle in the beginning of this year. I’m just not so sure whether motherhood is meant for me at all. But that’s just me.

    It’s a good thing to let your hair down. Yes alcohol doesn’t solve anything, but it sure helps you to relax and have fun. Taking a break is also a life saver sometimes, it’s impossible to just continue on this exhausting path and not suffer from burn out.

    I hope you feel better soon, and that you will feel refreshed and renewed when you get back on the horse again.

  3. samcy on

    My friend, that letting your hair down thing? It works! And if you want to do it again sooner rather than later then so be it…

    I know how you’re feeling, I’ve been battling with the feeling of “is this the right time” and “is this meant for me” for a while now too…

    Looking forward to your post on prayer. Think it might get some of my brain juices flowing again…

    Take good care of yourself honey! You deserve it.

    HUGS
    xxx

  4. April on

    I definitely feel you. I’m just so tired. I find that the down time is the hardest. At least when you are in treatment you can feel like you are “doing” something. The rest of the time I just end up feeling broken.

    Alcohol is helpful….


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