Is that a *tiny* light I see at the end of the tunnel?

So Ive been thinking – ALOT.

1. The possibility of conceiving naturally is around 0% – long, unreliable PCOS cycles and poor morphology = no natural pregnancy. If it happens naturally I swear I will eat my hat and post it on You-Tube.

2. My eggs are crap. 4 IVF cycles have shown each time that my eggs are shitty. The zona (egg shell) is too thick, meaning implantation is hampered. The quality is not the greatest because the embryos we do get are not always that great, they always divide nicely and on time but there is alot of fragmentation and you dont need to be an embryologist to know that the quality isnt toohot.

3. I have fallen pregnant before which means (hopefully) I dont have issues with implantation.

4. We dont know the sperm quality. On paper it looks OK’ish, morphology not too great (3%) but all other parameters are normal.

5. I dont want to do ICSI anymore, I feel that it is an unnatural way to fertilise an egg.

6. Donor eggs are a way to avoid all of the above and determine whether there is a sperm problem (taking out the PCOS in the equation).

Disadvantages of DE:

Not genetically mine (does this matter? Perhaps if I have a girl then she actually wouldnt want the curse of PCOS?))

Cost (an additional R25 000 min)

Disclosure (to whom and when?)

Advantages of DE:

No PCOS (a biggy)

Perhaps I can actually be pregnant and have a child??? (very big biggy)

We will be able to find out whether there is a sperm problem (important so we know what we are dealing with)

These are the thoughts that have been in my mind lately. I feel a *tiny* bit of hope that maybe if we go the DE route it could result in a live healthy baby??? Now that would be awesome.

Due to the sensitivity of DE I have been thinking about making my blog private? But again I have remained anon on this blog and perhaps it could help others come to a conclusion regarding their journey. If anyone knows of a blog that I can read where the author has had to choose the DE route and her thoughts around it, I would apprecaite that.

To end, I received this in my inbox this morning: Start each day by thinking about or writing down all the things that you are grateful for. Then try to accept life’s curved balls without judgement. Gratitude and acceptance are hugely powerful transformational tools.

Im so sick to frikken death of asking the question “Why Me?”. I want to accept my fate and instead ask “What now?”


7 comments so far

  1. Shaz on

    Hey Dee
    I’m so glad to hear that you’re seeing a tiny speck of light at the end of your dark tunnel. All of these are big decision to make, but it certainly sounds like you’re weighing up your options carefully.
    I agree, a living breathing baby would be a HUGE plus over everything else. All the best with whateve ryou decide!

  2. Leigh from 123 blog on

    I’m so glad you’re coming out of the tunnel.

    I know two people who used donor eggs – they both don’t blog but will happily share their stories with you.

    If you email me, I’ll send you the cell numbers… 🙂

  3. celia on

    I am in the same stupid PCOS/ low morphology boat. I told someone last week that it was more likely for it to start raining jelly doughnuts than me become pregnant.

    We are still trying because we don’t have adoption coverage yet. To me a HUGE advantage of a donor egg is that you can control your babies environment. What scares me about adoption is the loss of control over things like prenatals and diet and environment. I am looking with interest to see what you decide. Good uck!

  4. Andrea on

    Thanks for your comment on my blog. I caught up on your story and you have been through so much. I’m so sorry. DE really is a great option, as hard as it is to initially come to terms with. Take your time coming to your decision. It took me a few months to get over the initial shock of needing DE, but once I came to terms with it, I became really excited to have the option to still experience pregnancy and carry the child myself. ((HUGS))

  5. April on


    I especially love the end: What now? I have been trying to ask myself that question, too. The Why Me question always just leaves me feeling like crap and like I have to blame myself. I’m glad that you see a little light at the end of the tunnell 🙂

    I’ve been thinking a lot about you.

  6. Elize on

    Hi Dee, I’m so glad you seeing a little light. Making your blog private is a decision that only you can make, and it all depends on who’s reading your blog. I personally feel that you journey might just be able to help some one else out there who has to make the same dicision as you have. Listing all the advantages and disadvantages is a great way to weigh up your options and decide exactly what you want to do.

  7. samcy on

    I’m with you what ever you decide honey! I am so glad you’re starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.


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