Where are the answers?

Im thinking about God. I saw on one of the forums that someone posted saying that they are no longer pursuing ART as a means to have a baby. The woman who posted has low AMH, never done IVF and her doc wants her to try IVF asap before the AMH declines any further. She also mentioned that she prayed about becoming a mother and God sent someone to tell her that she will have a baby.

 

Now these thoughts have been floating around in my head since reading that. How do you come to the decision to stop treatment? Are you 100% happy about the decision and wait patiently until a baby arrives (or maybe not?). If you are making this decision you may also need to face the fact that you may never have a baby of your own. You see I read into things a lot more than face value and if a stranger told me that I will definitely have a baby Im not sure if I will take this as a message coming from God? There I said it. Well then how do I know that God is communicating to me? Good question, one I don’t know the answer to (part of the reason Im blogging about this – to get your views….)

 

What if God meant that she will have a baby but perhaps not naturally, perhaps through ART, donor eggs or even adoption? How can we be certain of the path laid out for us? I take my hat off to anyone who waits patiently for their miracle sent by God, without seeking the help of a fertility specialist. Should I be doing the same? Perhaps this is half the problem – that Im so impatient, perhaps this is a lesson for me to learn???? Maybe I should also give up spending thousands and just learn to be more patient? Will we be able to conceive naturally with PCOS and MFI – maybe but maybe not.

 

What if you still waiting patiently at 40? Does that mean God doesn’t want you to have children? Then the many stories in the Bible of God blessing the womb of many woman is just that a story? Lets face it there are many women in this world who have been unable to conceive AT ALL so what about them? What if at 40 you realise that God’s message was misinterpreted by you – that you should have pursued ART more vigorous to have that baby that He promised?

 

So what about that saying – God helps those that help themselves? I feel like Im being pulled in so many different directions with all my thoughts. Wish I knew the answer to this one.

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15 comments so far

  1. Shaz on

    Ok, I’ve thought about that exact topic myself and I believe that God helps those who help themselves.
    I also believe that miracles are granted through IVF and IUI and other medical interventions all the time. Its not about being impatient, its about doing the work to achieve a dream, work can only achieve so much, God is still the granter of life.
    Just my opinion. 🙂

  2. April on

    this is hard. why would god give us ART and IVF and not want us to use it? my SIL did IUI x 2 and then decided that it was god’s way of telling her that she was not meant to be a parent. i find that hard to believe. does god really think that the 16 year old crack whore is more “fit” to be a parent than a woman who is part of a stable relationship and basically dying to have a kid? i think that there are a lot of factors involved. i used to think that people just had stronger faith than i did if they were able to think that way. now i just think it is silly. i’m intelligent, i have access to state of the art medical care and cutting edge science….how could god not want us to take advantage of what is available?

  3. Celeste Fland on

    We decided where we would stop before we began. Our decision to see an RE (this is going to sound crazy) was because initially it was cheaper than adopting. Our insurance covered infertility treatments right away but we had to wait over a year for adoption benefits.

    We also decided that we would stop when we were asked to spend more than three thousand dollars out of pocket because that was money better spent on our adoption fund.

    I decided if I had one more loss, I would stop because otherwise I would lose my mind.

    A person I respect highly told me “God has your baby all picked out already” Well, I agree.

    You know almost two years ago I began praying and pondering on what God wanted me to learn, then about a year ago I changed the prayer to “God, whatever it is could I just hurry up and LEARN it already?”

    celia

  4. Noemi on

    When you hear God speak to your heart and you discern that what you are hearing will bring you peace in the middle of your storm, then that may be what God is trying to tell you. All I know is that when you reach a decision, you have to look at all the alternatives and be comfortable with the outcomes no matter what. I guess what makes it difficult is that there is no black and white answer. And gray area is uncomfortable. I’ll be praying for you.

    ICLW

  5. Mandolyn on

    Great post about a great discussion!

    I don’t know what your bias’ are, so I don’t know if anything I have to say will be of use to you. I just thought I’d put my 2 cents into the discussion. To get it right out in the open, I have a bit of a bias. I am a Christian woman with a bachelors degree in Christian Studies and actually did my senior thesis on the God’s grace and mercy on the infertile woman. This encompassed women who have experienced multiple miscarriages, PCOS, and other causes for infertility. By no means am I a scholar on the topic though.

    Through my research in scriptures, and books of wisdom (from other religions), and my own personal experiences, I believe 1) that God is in complete control; 2) women must guard their heart against people’s “words from God” about them having a child, 3) women are born with an innate intuition to read if something isn’t accurate or doesn’t seem right (referring to #2), and 4) this may be the hardest one of all… women have a hard time not making conceiving a child their “god”. Let me explain these.

    1) God is in control of all things, and he has a purpose for everything. We, as finite humans, do NOT have to know, nor do we have the right to know, what God is planning. If we had this right, then we would be taking God down from his throne, and making him equal with us. What would be the point of there being a god then? I personally know how hard this is, due to experiencing a miscarriage and losing my daughter. I struggle with the fact that I want to know why my child died, even now 11 years later. We can ask “Why?” all day, but that is a question that God reserves the answer to, because he is God.
    2 and 3) Guard your heart- meaning don’t take people’s words for face value. If you know them, and trust them, then yes, heed their words, but pray for God to show you the same vision they had. If he doesn’t show you in some way that this is what is promised to you, then I would take it as just a word of encouragement rather than a word from God. Women have a built in intuition on whether something is out of sorts or not. If you know in your gut that you will have a child, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Don’t get confused between a deep desire and yearning for a child, and knowing something for certain. It is easy to get the 2 confused.
    4) This is the hardest one I think. Many times, women focus more on conceiving a child than anything in the world. They let their deep desire for a child to rule their life. I know, for me, in my life, I have had to remind myself many times to focus on God, and glorifying him in all I do, all I say, and all I think. He has to be the center of my life or else my life will be a wreck. I have had to put my deep yearning and longing for a child on the back burner, and put God back in to the focus. This is what has gotten me through (personally). This point may not help anyone other than myself, and I hope I did not offend you by stating this point.

    That’s just a little bit of my thoughts on the issue. Hope that helps the discussion!

    Grace and Peace,

    Mandolyn

  6. Clio on

    That was exactly my reason for taking so long to seek fertility treatments. I believed that whatever didn’t come to me naturally, was not meant to be. I don’t think like that anymore.
    I now understand that infertility is a journey. And it may be a long one and it may not end in parenthood. I believe that things do happen for a reason and that we do have valuable lessons in each step of the way. I believe one of the lessons here is relinquishing control, since pregnancy is an act of receiving. I still don’t get why I have to go through this, but I’m open to figuring this out.
    I am at peace with seeking ART, just like I would seek the best medical treatment for a disease. I now don’t believe I should just sit at home and wait even longer for something to happen on its own.
    I also believe that God/Goddess/ the Divine, however we want to call this force, speaks to us out of the deepest internal silences, not from the musings and ramblings of our minds. The answers lie deep in our feelings. Sometimes yes, they are voiced by absolute strangers, but not all strangers carry the messages we need.
    What I really try to avoid is desperation. Because I’ve never found it to take me anywhere that made me happy.

  7. mrsamymarie on

    This is a hard question to answer simply because there are different answers for each person. My husband and I were told not just that God would give us a baby (twins to be exact) but that we would conceive. So that was a pretty specific message for us. And it was confirmed many times over and I even heard it from God. So we are pretty confident, we are just waiting. We haven’t pursued medicial assistance for a number of reasons and we’re ok with that. I am 100% confident that one day I will have children. That doesn’t always make the wait easy but easier.

    I think the problem that many believers have is that they pray about something but they don’t necessarily stop to listen to what God has to say. In order for you to figure out what God has for you, you have to stop and listen to what He is saying to you. That can be a difficult thing because when you first start listening for Him you don’t always know if what you are hearing is Him. That’s why you have to practice it to get to know His voice.

    I don’t know if this helps or answers your questions. But I’ll be praying for you.

  8. Sam on

    I think that you can only wait patiently for so long!!! There is a rather famous story, you may not have heard of it? It goes something like this….(I may not have it quite right!)

    A man was trapped by rising floods and climbed onto his roof when a man in a tractor drove by and offered help, he said that God would provide. The floods rose higher and a man came by in a boat and offered to take him away, “no, God will provide”. The floods rose even higher, so high that a helicopter came to take him away, but still he said “no, God will provide”. Of course, he died and at the gates of heaven he asked God why help never came. God replied “I sent help three times, you refused it”.

    Basically – pray by all means, but God also helps those who helps themselves.

  9. Miskien Miskien nie on

    Hi girlie, I don’t believe it that, sorry but that is my opinion, and as you said, take my hat of for people believing in that. Onces me and DH asked FS if we can “take it easy and relax” for a while, and he said, NO, your problem is a medical problem, you need to be treated…. well, till today I believe in GOD, I believe in MIRACLES, but sometimes you need to get the help that God gave to other people to help you….
    Hope this is an answer for your question…??
    xxx

  10. Kristin on

    I believe in God. I believe in miracles. But, I believe that we must avail ourselves of the miracles of modern science in order to receive the help God sends us (after all, he blessed us with the brains that developed the science, right?). If pursuing ART feels right, if it brings peace of heart and mind, DO IT!

    ICLW

  11. Michelle on

    I believe in God but I also believe God gave us the RE’s and the fertility clinics and the ability to get help. I think you just know if God is speaking to you. I have had times where I knew it was God and then other times I was like “where did that come from?” I believe God helps those who help themselves. I don’t think you can sit around and wait for it to happen. If that was the case I don’t think anything in the world would ever get done. But everyone has their own path, their own opinions, their own beliefs and whatever works for you is the best thing. I know that probably was not too much help but just some of my thoughts.

  12. Sian on

    I believe that in order to win the lotto, you have to buy a lotto ticket. I don’t think that it makes your faith any weaker.

  13. samcy on

    Dee, I think that God knew that there would be so many of us battling to have children and that is why the doctors have been able to learn how to help us get there. A lot of this journey depends on faith and patience but I also believe that God grants the ultimate gift of life – not the doctors we use to help us get there. So by using ART we are “helping” Him get us closer to our dream of expanding His Kingdom.

    I’m praying for you.

    xxx

  14. Sandy on

    Hi,

    I stumbled upon your blog through Shaz’ blog. I thought I’d let you know my experience with the answer to at least one of your questions. We actively ttcd for three years and did six months of clomid. I was 34 when we started ttc. I was not happy during those three years and ultimately the stress of ttc was turning me into someone I didn’t want to be. I am not Christian, but I do believe that there is a higher power or presence out there. I also believe that many (though not all) things happen for a reason. I wrestled constantly with “was God sending me a message that this wasn’t meant to be?” or “was God testing me to see how badly I wanted it?”.

    I made the conscious decision to stop actively ttc when going through what would have been my first IUI. I started getting blurry vision from the drugs and my stress levels were through the roof. I told my dr I wanted to step the drugs back and he basically told me I must not have wanted a child strong enough because I wasn’t willing to risk my vision. That was a slap in the face but it woke me up and I asked myself how badly do I want this child? Do I want to give up everything including who I was and my happiness in pursuit of something that might or might not happen? Was I willing to risk my vision? The answer was “No!”.

    So we stoppped. And when I said out loud that I wasn’t ttc anymore it felt like a load of bricks had been released from my shoulders. It was the right decision for me and that relief of pressure was confirmation. I can still relax myself by thinking of that moment.

    That’s not to say that it was always easy or that I didn’t have twinges. When friends went on to ART and managed to conceive I felt envious of both their strength and fortune. At Christmas I would feel a bit sad that we didn’t have a child to make it more magical. But every time I thought about getting on the roller coaster again the panic would set in. It probably took another two years after deciding not to ttc to really accept that children weren’t in our future. All this time we weren’t preventing, just not trying (which pretty much blows chunks at the “just relax” and “don’t think about it”).

    Fast forward to 9 years after starting ttc, I was 43 (I’m now 44). Had been telling dh for the last three years that for a birthday present he could get a vasectomy since I was truly OK with not having children. Our marriage was the kind that many envied, we had a very good life. But then last year we discovered last year that I was pregnant. Talk about mixed emotions! Dh is 50. At 43 I was very afraid of genetic issues. Just as I had accepted and started to get joyful at being pregnant we lost the baby. Found out the week before Christmas for sure that the baby had died at 7weeks and had a D&C on Dec 26.

    My world has been turned upside down this year with the miscarriage. I have doubted everything that I knew. The desire to get pregnant again was so strong. But the risk of genetic defects at age 44 and dh’s age stopped us. It has taken me a year to accept what has happened and I’ve had to re-mourn the loss of motherhood all over again. I wonder if I had had a miscarriage early on in my trials whether I would have been more aggressive in ART – I think I would have as I would have viewed it as a sign that I was almost there. Now I’m not sure that it’s a sign and through this experience I have adopted the philosophy that sometimes things just happen and sometimes good people have to deal with bad things. I refuse to believe that the miscarriage was a sign at 43 that I really wasn’t meant to have children. I already believed that, it didn’t need affirmation through something as terrible as a miscarriage.

    Anyhow, long story short, I stopped when I stopped, and I felt right about stopping. Twinges now and then and sadness about not being able to have children, but no regrets about stopping. Even today, after a miscarriage, I still don’t regret not having pursued ART. It was the right decision for me at the time and I had spent the last five years pre-miscarriage way happier than I had while ttc. This year has been the exception, obviously, but I’m finally believing that I’ll be back to who I was and that life will be rich again.

    This is just my experience and I’m not at all saying that others should follow my path. It’s such an incredible personal journey that each woman needs to follow their heart.

    Big hugs as you wrestle with how much is too much.

    Sandy

  15. Leigh from 123 blog on

    Wow, great post.

    I’m one of those Bible-believing, hand-raising Christians and like Clio, I took a long time to get around to IVF (for us). Eventually it clicked for me – if I had any other disease, I’d pursue whatever it took to get me sorted out. IF is a disease (we do not have unexplained IF) and therefore, because we can afford it right now, we are pursuing it wholely.

    This whole thing was sealed in my mind when the embryologist came to talk at the support group and said “once they put that embryo back in we ALL start praying”. That reassured me of what I had always known which is …we do what we can (faith without works is dead) and yet, we recognise that every child is a gift from God so ultimately, He is sovereign.

    I don’t personally understand people who just say “oh, I’m believing God” because I’m about taking some responsibility for your life. I have a 43-year-old friend who REFUSES to do ANY IF treatment, not even Clomid or IUI because she’s standing in faith. I think that’s crazy but that’s me.

    Again, I think it’s each couple’s decision and what makes sense for one couple will be crazy to another.

    I do realise that you can never be totally certain about things. I always said I’d never do an IVF and here I am, having done 2. We are now in the 2ww.

    So the lines in the sand keep shifting and that’s okay 🙂

    P.S. BTW, you know me. I passed to you the heart necklace at the infertility group earlier this year 🙂


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