An honest post

I need to express myself, need to release some of the feelings inside. This post may offend, so be warned.

I want more than anything in the whole world to be pregnant and have a healthy baby, even just 1 will do. I think about it all the time, always analysing, hoping, wishing, praying but I get no-where.

Im at an exasperation level of around 10, Im desperate and I sometimes think I am loosing my mind. On Sunday I cried my eyes out, sobbed infact, lashed out and just became a total and utter wreck. I cried until my eyes were so puffy they couldnt even open. I am so incredibly angry, Im fucked off at the unfairness of our situation. Im angry as hell at God, Im questioning Him. Perhaps I dont know my path, perhaps He does, everyone says dont question Him, just accept. Well I cant. Is God really there? Is God someone who can actually help? One day when I look back at this will I say “ah ha thats why I went through that”? Am I supposed to be learning patience? Compassion? Understanding? What? What the fuck is it that Im supposed to be learning from this?

This weekend I saw INFERTILITY, the cold hard, disgusting demon of infertility. It made me so sad that my heart actually ached, pained in my chest. I confessed to my husband that I have had suicidal thoughts, I wouldnt actually act on it but it scares the crap out of me. Successful, vibrant, intelligent me – killing myself over I.N.F.E.R.T.I.L.I.T.Y and what the hell for? Because I feel like Im inferior, second grade woman – cant even do something so natural. Ive got all the bits yet nothing works. So God what is that all about? Its like buying a new toy and you take it home and its missing a part, irritates the crap out of you now doesnt it? Or you invest in a brand new car and when you drive it away it breaks down because someone forgot to put the oil or brake fluid in. The thing is, these things can be fixed, pretty easily without too much bother. My fucked up ovaries cannot.

So with that being said we have decided to definitely move onto donor eggs. I cant do this anymore. If donor doesnt work then at least I can blame someone else other than me. There is no firm POA but we have started looking through the profiles and the best thing about it is that I feel such a sense of relief. Im scared shitless and so is my Dh but together we can do this, we can build our family or I might die trying.


6 comments so far

  1. Shaz on

    Hey Dee
    Your post could have been written by me, about two years ago. I want to tell you something, it may seem cold but its not my intention and I’m only saying because I’ve been there. Because I’ve cried so hard from the hurt of infertility that I couldn’t go to work, couldn’t open my eyes and lost my voice from literally howling!
    Congratulations Baby, you’ve hit rock bottom. It fucking sux!!! But I want to promise you this, it gets better from here on out.
    I know this may offend and it certainly not my intention, but INFERTILITY in all its fucking ugliness is truly a process and before we can start to live through it, we have to hit the bottom, sort of like being an addict.
    Hang in there babe, its going to get better, I just know it is! It HAS to! And you know, I think its OK to be pissed at God! And if you’re so mad you feel you can’t talk to him, then don’t, He loves you and He will be there with open arms waiting for you.
    Lots of Love

  2. ROBZ on

    My Dear Friend,

    Oh cares who your post offends this is your BLOG and you can say and do what the hell you like. Ray, speak your heart out and you know what stuff compassion, patence, understanding and all that crap why should you be all that for what reason so maybe one day you will be blessed becasue you were nice, compassion,carring and all this crap bullshit sorry i have realised you as a individual and unique person has the right to your own feelings and emotions. And you know what you can question God tell him how you feel and question and you know what i believe having an argument with God is sometimes very healthy because at the end of the day he is the ONLY one who actually knows your every little feeling, emotion, and what is actually hurting inside! Friend just reading your blog has made your pain feel so real to me and once again i think i am such a selfish bitch honestly and all i can say is I love you Ray you are one hell of a chick and i know DE or not you will NOT die without having your dreams come true! love Robz

  3. Leigh from 123 blog on

    You know what? God has really big shoulders – scream at Him all you want, He can take it!

    Go read this post – I thought you’d be encouraged because you’re not alone

  4. Ashley on

    I’m right there with you. Strongly considering DEs, but not blogging about it yet. Wishing you nothing but release from this IF hell.

  5. C on

    Came across from other blogs. I am so sorry and want to send you a big cyber hug. Its OK to be where you are now but know that it will get better. I have been there, more than once and I suspect I will be there again. My relationship with God has also changed dramtically, I still have anger but God loves us and I believe he knows that its more hurt and disappointment than anger.

    I wish you well for the future and hope that DE brings you a live healthy baby.

  6. Miela on

    I know this blog entry is really old, but you know what, it summs up how I feel today. Thank you for not deleting your blog. Today you made me feel a little more normal.

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