Update DE #2

What is up with WordPress? Last week I wrote this LONG post and it got deleted somehow. Its not even in my drafts. I was therefore immensely pissed off so didn’t try post again. 

Not too much happening. On Friday I sat for 3.5 hours whilst I got my Intra.lipid drip. That stuff makes me sweat like a trooper, its disgusting. My jeans felt wet afterwards. I was lucky enough to be having the drip with my good friend of many years, Kimbal so we chatted away for a good portion of the morning. Next I went to have my first acupuncture session with my new dynamic doc. He is really awesome and didn’t ask any stupid questions and also didn’t give me the disapproving look when I told him Im doing DE, you know that look that most docs/homeopaths give you when you tell them you haven’t tried their magic herbs? Well in actual fact I have tried many magic herbs that haven’t helped at all. The acupuncture session was fantastic and I left feeling very relaxed and invigorated. 

On Saturday my donor started her stims so everything is on track as it should be. ER should be around 3^rd Dec depending on the stims. Im starting to feel a bit excited, more so than I was a week or so back. I have been rather weepy lately, its quite frustrating because Im not normally like that. My therapist came to see me whilst I was doing the drip on Friday (she works at the clinic) and I literally burst out crying. It seems that just being at that place makes me emotional, and as she told me everything works on triggers. Just the smell of the clinic makes my stomach go into knots. Even seeing her made the tears come. I cried when I watched who won “So_you_think_you_can_Dance”, I cried during Carte Blanche last night, I hit my head against a wooden beam and cried. Its crazy.

I scan again on Friday and until then Im just trying to keep sane and busy.

CD 1

Today is CD 1. I have a migraine-type headache, which normally happens round this time on Lucrin except this time is really bad. Going home now coz I can hardly look at the computer screen. Hopefully all goes well at my CD 2 scan tomorrow and Ill be on my way.

Do you ever feel…

totally and utterly saddened by infertility? Like will this EVER freaking end? Is there an end in sight? Like wondering if becoming a mom is a dream and thats what it will always be? Deep, deep down I know I will be a mother but on days like today I just wonder HOW, WHEN??

How much more money, stress, frustration, heartache, tears, anger, jealously, hate, decisions, depression, desperation, pills, injections, scans, drips, doctors, embryologists, lab reports, embryo reports, fert reports, semen analysis reports, vitamins, supplements, research papers, googling, forums, discussions, therapists, acupuncturists, reflexologists, birth announcments, birthdates, due dates, preggie bellies and baby talk do I need to get through to get THERE????

There is an ache in the pit of my stomach that has been with me since we started ttc, since January 2006. It went away for a very short blissful time when I was once pregnant 2 years ago. The ache of infertility was GONE, will I ever be back there? Will I ever feel like a whole, healthy, normal woman?

I read a blog the other day, The Art of Being Infertile. I love this blog, Tabi is expecting her first baby through surrogacy with donor egg. What I have copied and pasted below really spoke to me and I really apprecaite these kinds of postings by people “on the other side”. It keeps me going, reminds me why Im still doing this, even when I start feeling like a robot, I just need to keep that healthy baby picture in my mind and never, ever let go of it.

“So as my friend faces the same question we have all faced, “What do I do next?” I so desperately wanted to say some words of comfort that would really comfort. I want to be able to convey to her and anyone else out there that at some point the bad luck will end. At some point all this effort will get you to a solution. When I was struggling with each IVF, it was so easy for me to feel like I was wasting my time. It was so easy to feel like the bad luck would never end even when it ended for other people. I think back and I am not sure any fertile person ever said to me emphatically, “Keep trying.” No one in the “haves” club ever said with confidence for me to continue, as I am sure most felt pain to watch me struggle. There was a lot of sympathy, but no rallying for the cause. I think it could have helped to hear once in a while from others a certain confidence that I should keep trying for my family, however it works out. To actually say those words to someone is very powerful.

 

 

I know I can’t expect others to know how this all feels, but I do in fact know how it feels and I want to be able to say comforting and real words to those struggling through infertility. As the quotation above says, we don’t know how much strength we have until we push through that obstruction. So I guess my message to those still trying hard for their baby is don’t stop trying. I am saying to you that despite failure, don’t stop. Keep finding ways to try, even if it pushes you to where you never thought you could go. Do not give up. Every single person going through infertility has this drive to break through obstructions – you live it everyday, you prove it everyday.”

Ive Started

So Ive started with the Lu.crin injections. After putting all the important dates on a calendar I noticed that my donor and I are only 1 day apart (it takes me 4 full days to get AF after stopping the pill). I was concerned as I don’t want to run the risk of not growing my lining sufficiently so I requested that I start the Lu.crin earlier and stop the pill earlier than suggested, that and I was impatient aswell

So now I stop the pill on the 11/11 ( sign of twins maybe?, pathetic… I know), my day 2 should be next week Tuesday and my Intra.lipid drip will be Friday 20th Nov. My donor then starts stims the very next day. Shoo what co-ordination!

Yesterday I felt very, very down just about everything. Starting all of this again, trying to remain positive and up-beat. Wondering if this will be THE cycle, basically just over analysing everything. My dreams are ridiculous at the moment. I dreamt the other day that I was given a tiny, tiny baby boy to look after and if I passed the test then I could have a baby of my own. I looked after the baby so well but it kept on getting smaller and smaller and I was getting worried but I finally passed the test and was allowed my own baby, it was such a relief and I was so happy in my dream.

Im taking Bi.ral for my anxiety at the moment and I think its helping, Ive stopped my wine (boo hoo ) and Ive booked my first acupuncture session with a guy who seems very clued up on IVF acupuncture which pleased me because I aint explaning to one more acupuncturist what IVF is and why I cant use herbs to try and conceive. Id rather do acupuncture on myself thankyouverymuch.

Im not doing hypnotherapy, castor oil packs, drinking fish oil, holding a fertility statue, counting backwards from 10 billion, standing on my head chanting or any other famous fertility tricks, just trying to be healthy, stay calm and remind myself what the end goal is.

We just had a presentation on our medical aid benefits for 2010 and I must say that the maternity benefits, I think are the best Ive seen in a medical aid – 12 gynae visits, free scans, full payment of theatre fees, hospital stays and delivery. I mean who wouldn’t want to be pregnant? Now I just need to get there.

Rainbow Farts

“Hope is seeing the rainbow after the storm before the sun comes out.” 

–Clara Hinton

 

I took this photo after a storm, if you look really, really closely you can see it was a double rainbow, just like a BFP on a HPT would be – TWO lines!! What an awesome sign!! Ha, ha, aren’t I ridiculous!