Ive Started

So Ive started with the Lu.crin injections. After putting all the important dates on a calendar I noticed that my donor and I are only 1 day apart (it takes me 4 full days to get AF after stopping the pill). I was concerned as I don’t want to run the risk of not growing my lining sufficiently so I requested that I start the Lu.crin earlier and stop the pill earlier than suggested, that and I was impatient aswell

So now I stop the pill on the 11/11 ( sign of twins maybe?, pathetic… I know), my day 2 should be next week Tuesday and my Intra.lipid drip will be Friday 20th Nov. My donor then starts stims the very next day. Shoo what co-ordination!

Yesterday I felt very, very down just about everything. Starting all of this again, trying to remain positive and up-beat. Wondering if this will be THE cycle, basically just over analysing everything. My dreams are ridiculous at the moment. I dreamt the other day that I was given a tiny, tiny baby boy to look after and if I passed the test then I could have a baby of my own. I looked after the baby so well but it kept on getting smaller and smaller and I was getting worried but I finally passed the test and was allowed my own baby, it was such a relief and I was so happy in my dream.

Im taking Bi.ral for my anxiety at the moment and I think its helping, Ive stopped my wine (boo hoo ) and Ive booked my first acupuncture session with a guy who seems very clued up on IVF acupuncture which pleased me because I aint explaning to one more acupuncturist what IVF is and why I cant use herbs to try and conceive. Id rather do acupuncture on myself thankyouverymuch.

Im not doing hypnotherapy, castor oil packs, drinking fish oil, holding a fertility statue, counting backwards from 10 billion, standing on my head chanting or any other famous fertility tricks, just trying to be healthy, stay calm and remind myself what the end goal is.

We just had a presentation on our medical aid benefits for 2010 and I must say that the maternity benefits, I think are the best Ive seen in a medical aid – 12 gynae visits, free scans, full payment of theatre fees, hospital stays and delivery. I mean who wouldn’t want to be pregnant? Now I just need to get there.

Rainbow Farts

“Hope is seeing the rainbow after the storm before the sun comes out.” 

–Clara Hinton

 

I took this photo after a storm, if you look really, really closely you can see it was a double rainbow, just like a BFP on a HPT would be – TWO lines!! What an awesome sign!! Ha, ha, aren’t I ridiculous!

It all started with a punch

No, not a physical punch, a real punch, no not the alcoholic kind (I wish) the kind you make holes in paper with. A while back I bought myself a cool stationery set, a punch, stapler etc all matching and in this see-thru plastic. I thought it was cool. This morning my DH decided it would be a good idea to use my punch to start filing some documents away. I was busy making breakfast and slightly irritated that he decided to start his filing NOW, but anyways I get on his case for not doing it so now I didn’t want to get on his case FOR doing it. I hear the punch is struggling a bit to get through the fat pile of documents so I ask him to please not break my punch, which he then proceeds to do.

 

I fucking L.O.S.T it.

 

I was so mad with him that I threw the broken punch outside with such force that all the springs fell out. He then picked it up and started trying to fix it. It was too much for me, that damn punch represents me. Im b-r-o-k-e-n you see. My body is broken. Im like that stupid punch – springs falling out all over the place, no-one quite knowing how to fix me or what to do with me, should we keep it and hope we can fix it? Or should we just chuck it out and forget about it?.

 

My poor DH was even trying his best to put everything back together, just as he does with me. Ive never been so angry and sad at the same time. I drove to work with the tears streaming down my face, actually laughing at the ridiculousness of comparing myself to a broken punch, this is my life and what its become.

 

The above reaction was obviously spurred on by our visit to the fertility clinic yesterday. It was a bit emotional to be back there AGAIN, sitting infront of the co-ordinator AGAIN, going through all the costs AGAIN, working out when to stop the pill AGAIN. Whats that saying? “Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over with the same results”. Well then Im certainly stupid.

 

I read a couple blogs where the person is getting ready for an upcoming cycle, donor or own eggs. Im amazed at what these people do, drink wheatgrass, fish oil, fertility tea, gym, cycle, run, eat organic food, put hot compresses of their stomachs, no chocolate, coffee, WINE, weekly acupuncture, reflex, massages, listen to hypnotherapy, visualise etc etc etc. I don’t do any of that. Why? Two reasons – Ive done it all before (the last 5 times) and if I do all of the above Ill be reminded much more often that Im about to start another cycle. Right now it seems much easier to just think about it when I have to and drink another glass of wine. I read a post the other day of someone who got a BFP on their 12^th (TWELTH) IVF. Good grief, hats off to her. Ive always said that I’ll do whatever it takes to have a baby but now I just don’t know if I can but whats the alternative? Not acceptable that’s what.

 

So I start L.ucrin in about 2 weeks, Ive opted for the daily injection rather than the depot, nothing like a daily injection but the Depot is what made my cycle go to 53 days and also didn’t make me feel too good a few days after getting it. My donor is starting the pill soon, the cycle will get cut short by a day or two or else it means testing on Christmas day which is just not on. Please, pretty please can Santa bring me the best Christmas present ever?

Normalacy

Its been a while since I posted, no real reason, just getting on with life, trying to act like a normal citizen, go to work, earn money, come home enjoy my dogs, husband, drink some wine with a bit of exercise thrown in for good measure. Pretty normal stuff.

At one stage I was certain my RE was ignoring me, didnt get any replies from him which is unusual. I heard he has been away and I guess seeing that this next cycle will be my 6th fresh with him I guess he has just decided that the newer patients need more attention. I do feel a bit unloved.

Welcome to those visiting from ICLW. Im basically in the waiting phase, waiting to start my 2nd DE cycle and 6th fresh IVF. Its been fun and games since we started ttc, you can read more at the “About” tab.

All-in-all Im feeling OK, a bit hopeful, a bit nervous, a bit negative and a bit positive. As my therapist said to me you cant possibly go into your 6th cycle with a big smile and a ton of positivity, if I did she would think I WAS abnormal. That made me feel better coz I dont want to put on a brave face if I dont have to.

Why I hate PCOS

I think I realised why I was so down last week. Lack of AF was seriously getting to me. Its one thing to be infertile but a completely other thing for your body to be broken. I had to take a course of Provera to bring on AF which I dont often need to do, normally my cycle ranges from 35-40 days, sometimes 42 but never really longer than that and I am able to get Af by myself. It seems that taking the Luc.rin depot for my DE cycle made my cycle go wonky. Does anyone know if this is the cause?

So after a long 53 days, I freaking finally got my AF this morning. It just means one little step forward and instantly made me feel better. Yes, I realise the irony of wanting AF to come and then wanting it to stay away. It appears that my depression was linked to my broken body.

PCOS just plainly sux.