My BFF

I debated writing this post because afterall this is my BFF Im talking about but if I dont get this out Im probably going to scream or cry. I think the dynamic of our relationship has changed.

Honestly I dont even know where to start. Yesterday I was in tears after they left. Ive never been so relieved to see the back of someone. I know their intentions were good and they wanted to just visit and see how we doing but I just wish I had discouraged them from coming. It drained me to my core.

They arrived on Friday evening after keeping a 2 year old toddler cooped up in a car for 6 hours. He was ready to create havoc. He started by terrorizing my dogs, refusing to eat anything and then throwing food around my house, throwing the sand out of my zen garden (I know I should have moved it) etc etc. The parents? Nothing. The best they could say was “no, dont do that” halfheartedly at best. They bought him very little toys and he thought playing behind our huge glass windows was a much better idea. Now a question – once you are a parent do you just simply “give up” wrt discipline? I realise that toddlers push the limits but is there a time that you just think “oh well whatever”, because this was the feeling I was getting. I dont like shouting at another person’s child but it got so bad that I was the one saying “no dont touch”. On Saturday after an entire day of looking after the toddler I just lost it and told him to get outside, he threw a massive tantrum. Parents? Nothing.

And if anyone dares comment “oh its good training for you” I will literally loose it. No, its not training for me because when its YOUR child its different. I cannot discipline someone elses child and I cannot teach parents how to be parents.

Now my BFF is currently pregnant. She smokes like a chimney and drinks aswell. The worst is that she smokes not only infront of me but her toddler too, with the smoke going directly into his face. Is this not the most disgusting thing ever? I was horrified. She smoked and drank with the first one too so Im sure she thinks that its fine to do it again. Both pregnancies were after a mere 1 month of trying/thinking about trying. This is what really gets me – she can do what she pleases when she pleases and she doesnt give a fuck. Her baby will turn out perfectly and all will live happily ever after. This honestly gets to me. My DH said its the way life is and I know its true but gees like I hate the way it is.

I have 10 000 more examples of what she said this weekend, here are a few:

We have a mutual friend who is a major party animal coming out from the UK in Dec. So then she says “X is coming out and look at me (pointing at her belly), what bad timing, I hate that I cant have any fun, Ill be the sober one on New Years”

She was trying to get me to drink red wine because “its good for you”. I told her that after trying for 5 years you look at pregnancy a little differently. She said her gynae told her its fine (ja right).

She told me her names that they have picked, they are OK, not something I would have picked but I didnt actually say that. Then I told her our names and she went on for about 5 minutes about how disgusting the one name is and how much she hates it. This really, really upset me. One of the big reasons I was in tears yesterday. I cannot believe that someone (my BFF in this instance) could be so horrible. Afterwards I thought I should have said something but I was speechless at the time. I know the names are something that my DH and I decide on but its such an intensely personal thing and to have it attacked like that really hurt me alot.

Neither she nor her husband washed one dish whilst they were here. I did them last night.

So another question – have your relationships change since you/your friends went on to have children? I think after this weekend Im seeing her in a different light and I dont like what I see.

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23 comments so far

  1. waiting4amiracle on

    I have had exactly the same experience with my BFF. There just seems to be this funny distance between us and I don’t know what it is. She was here a few weeks ago and her son was jumping on my coach, while she was sitting right next to him. I said “stop jumping on my coach.” She then said to him, “Yes stop it or Aunty-S will smack you.” I thought that was a bit inappropriate. It’s funny, I am just battling to connect. I don’t seem to relate to her anymore and its actually very very sad. So, yes I understand.

  2. Kaitake on

    Oh hunny, going by what you say she doesn’t sound like much of a friend at all 😦 she seems to take everything she’s blessed with for granted, and then rubs your face in it. I wasn’t there, but from what u write she doesn’t seem to understand or empathize with you at all – surely not something you would expect of a BFF! Hugs!!

  3. Lesley on

    Hi Dee

    Sorry to be blunt but I would honestly end this friendship. It does not sound like she has any consideration for you, she should not have stayed with you while you are pregnant with trips and if she had to then the least she could have done was look after her own child and ensure that she didn’t leave you with dirty dishes.

    If she is smoking and drinking while pregnant then she doesn’t even have consideration for her own child never mind anyone else. With the trips on their way, you don’t need to waste time on someone like this as I sincerely doubt the friendship will last longer anyway.

    Gee I sound really harsh but I can’t believe someone can be this insensitive. The names for your children is very personal and I know how hurtful this is when someone thinks that they can critise this.

  4. Sharon on

    Dee, all I can say is having your own child/children changes everything. It changes your relationships with your friends, some for the better and some relationships will end, that’s life, when our circumstances change, the parameters of our friendships need to change as well but not everyone is mature enough or willing enough to realize that.
    Having you own child/children means that your levels of tolerance change as well. That doesn’t mean that discipline goes out the window, it just means that you learn to pick your battles.
    I was so full of idea’s about good parenting before I became a parent and like so many of my friends who are now parents, I’ve had to eat some humble pie of late when I’ve realized that prior to Ava’s arrival I thought I had all the parenting answers but then that child comes along and a lot of that stuff goes out the window.
    All I can say is this, its different when its your own child. I won’t tolerate somebody elses child behaving badly in my own home but my levels of tolerance are totally different for my own child.

  5. Sharon on

    Oh and just wanted to add, your friend needs to learn some lessons on when to have a great big mug of shut the f*ck up! Where on earth she got the idea it was ok to express her views and opinions on the names you have chosen is just beyond me. That not only breaks the bounds of friendship but its also bloody rude!

  6. Cedge on

    This is your BFF?? DUMP HER! People are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. She has gone past her useful date.

    She is selfish, inconsiderate, insensitive and who the hell gave her the right to trash your feelings or your dreams.

    Sorry Dee, you should not have had to deal with this when you are supposed to enjoying pregnancy bliss.

    I will say it again, DUMP her and don’t feel bad about it.

  7. Marcia on

    Gosh, first of all, a big hug to you! It’s okay to feel like this.

    A very wise person (Kirsten from the group) told me when the babies were just born, “you’ll see, your friendships will go through changes because your values are different” and that’s so true.

    I find I relate more with people who have similar values to me with regard to parenting.

    I absolutely do not allow disrespect and bad manners.

    My Kendra was screaming yesterday in church because of something she wanted which was not allowed and I gave her to D to go outside – I will not give in, no matter how people give me The Look. Children must learn to behave.

    Same with jumping on couches and whatnot. I give other people a chance to discipline their kids in my house. Afterwards I will tell the child “no ________” – it is my furniture after all.

    You are right to do so.

    Now onto your friend…

    Are you close enough that you can say “this weekend really upset me because of ______________” If yes, I would try (I’m like that, like to bang my head against a brick wall sometimes :))

    Otherwise, I’d protect myself and my babies and stop seeing her as much.

    I tell anyone with the smoking (my father was here last week and he gets same treatment), “we don’t allow smoking in the house but you can go outside and there’s even a chair” 🙂

    If you want to chat more, I’m here!

  8. Kitty8218 on

    Sheesh that is hard work indeed no wonder you’re feeling so damn drained!!!
    Yes my BFF had a baby a year ago and our dynamic has definately changed. All she can talk about it baby baby baby and now about planning no.2. IT’s changed alot. It’s expected I suppose but it pains me that our friendship has changed….and it’s just because we’re in 2 different places. Thank goodness she is sensitive (to some degree) of what I’m going through adn I don’t have to deal with half as much as you did!
    As life goes on and our paths take different directions we change, dynamics change….friends change.

  9. zamom on

    Shame, man. One bit of advice we got (it’s too late now I know) is not to tell people the names you plan to give your child/ren as once they’re born and you’ve given them the name, then no one can (hopefully) be rude about them. I am shocked that anyone in this day and age (that should know better) still drinks when pregnant and smokes in front of a pregnant woman and toddler (and when they’re pregnant themselves). For that reason alone I hope you never allow them to visit once your babies are born. Most of the cot-death studies show that smoking is a huge contributing factor. With reagrds to his behaviour, that’s a bit harder but they should have used their brains a bit and realised that you wouldn’t have many toys and brought a whole lot with them. Once your girls are crawling/running around and grabbing everything in sight then your house will automatically be more child friendly. Jumping on other people’s furniture is not acceptable and if he’s not getting any discipline now, definitely don’t invite them to stay again as he’ll be a complete nightmare as he gets older. I just hope this whole weekend has not stressed you out too much and that those little ladies of yours will stay safely inside for many more weeks. Not offering to clean-up is just unbelievable – do they not realise that most women pregnant with triplets need to take it seriously easy and are often on bedrest by this point? Sometimes one does have to wonder how people get to be so selfish, inconsiderate and thoughtless. I still can’t believe what she said about your one name. My brother and his wife are expecting a little girl and I don’t really like the name they’ve chosen very much but it’s what they like and so I will be excited about the name and learn to love it.

  10. Mash on

    It is so interesting what you are saying about discipline! This is something I feel too. I get that it’s different once you have kids, but I keep thinking back to my own childhood. If I had thrown food around someone’s house, my parents (esp my Dad) would have been very angry. I’m not sure if people’s values have changed a bit? Fine, be tolerant in your own home, but in someone else’s, I think parents need to show respect to their hosts. Clean up whatever chaos their child has caused. And wash the freaking dishes… and the smoking and drinking? Whew. A friend of mine had the occassional glass of wine, and now there is something wrong with her baby, and although it can’t be traced back to drinking during pregnancy (which her gynae had also said would be fine), she’ll always wonder. She regrets it with all her heart. Friendships change throughout life, children or no children. Bless it for what it was, give it a place in your heart, and make space for something new.

    • Marcia on

      I love this sentence…

      Bless it for what it was, give it a place in your heart, and make space for something new.

  11. Fran on

    Ok sweetie, this is not your BFF. of we have a very different opinion on how to define them!! She’s been HORRIBLE to you and so so rude and disrespectful of your home and rules. You should have said something but you can still do so in an email and tell her how you felt, specially about comments on the names you picked! Oh my God I can’t believe she said she hated them! This is someone who as either totally lost her personality to hormones (only you can tell that) or is now showing her real self. In any case I’m really sorry you had such a horrible weekend. My friends who had children did not change that much and our relationship has remained the same (of course now that I’m also pregnant is a bit closer than when we were walking different paths). Much love and big hugs. Fran

  12. celia on

    whoa. kick her ass to the curb. you definately don’t want that hot mess around your family. My sister in law would NEVER allow her children to act like thar.

  13. samcy on

    You know Dee, sometimes friendships run their course. And its not from a lack of trying (I can’t believe you had her stay when so far along with trips so clearly you tried) or being immature or unwilling to sustain the friendship. Sometimes they just change and the friendships are not able to adapt to those changes for WHATEVER reasons.

    You don’t strike me as someone who would take ending a friendship lightly at all, so my assvice would be to evaluate what this friendship is giving you and vice versa. Is it still a mutually beneficial relationship? If it is and the history you two share befits you fighting to save it – then by all means fight to save it. If its not, then think long and hard about what YOU need right now from this friendship and as hard as it is, if you are not getting it you might have to make the decision to let it go.

    It’s not easy by any means, but sometimes you just have to put yourself and YOUR family first.

    Thinking of you.

    xxx

  14. Marion on

    I have a similar situation regarding the drinking, smoking and totally incontrolable children with my BIL and SIL. It’s really hard to be around them and their children and it frustrates me a lot. I try to limit the times we spend with them but sometimes it’s unavoidable! I also cannot tolerate stuff like jumping on our couch, and tantrums and food throwing in my house. So I can totally empathise with you…

    About the names, your friend did not act like a friend at all. Does she have no tact? As a matter of fact I cannot believe she came to visit you while being so far along with your pregnancy and knowing you are expecting trips… Very inconsiderate…

  15. Emily on

    I’m so sorry! That sounds like a really stressful weekend. As for not parenting your child… that’s total bull sh*t. I’m not a parent yet (pg w/twins) but I am an early childhood educator and have worked with children under the age of 4 for the past 11 years. The past 5 years I have been a “third parent” as a nanny. Yes, it is hard to discipline children sometimes, but they need boundaries and limits… especially in someone else’s home! There is no excuse. Your BFF and her spouse should have stepped in, but it seems like they don’t really care about anyone but themselves. I think you have every right to tell a misbehaving child to stop- when it’s your home and the parents are clueless. As for the names- I’m shocked that she would be so rude. Ugh. So sorry.

  16. Jodi on

    That sounds rough. I agree with above that our tolerance changes once we have our own. My dh and I would wonder why his sister put up with all the rough housing and hollering in the house from her boys-my skin would crawl in fears that they were going to wake up my babies. Now it is our children acting like wild banshees. I think that is just what kids do. But they should stop when you ask that is for sure we do timeouts. Pregnancy is a rollercoaster. Having said all this I am confessing I cut off a relationship with my crazy inconsiderate sister when mine were born. Do what ever you have to do to decrease the aggravation in your life. You simply won’t have the energy for it.

  17. Ceejay on

    Hm. While I don’t think you should end the friendship with her by any means, can you find a second BFF :)? I mean that half-jokingly. But it might be time to minimize contact for a while if it’s so harmful to your emotional health each time. What a nightmare of a weekend! And I’m sure compounded by the fact that she’s supposed to be your BFF!

  18. MommyInWaiting on

    I don’t mean to dis your BFF but honestly! Sounds like she needs a slap! Imagine smoking in front of a pregnant woman – one who has been to hell and back to get that pregnancy. Imagine being so disengaged from parenting your own child! Imagine wishing you weren’t pregnant so you could party it up. I think I would have thrown a tantrum and then thrown her out.

  19. Chopper1 on

    Sheesh.. Doesn’t sound like a BFF to me in terms of the things she said / didn’t do. Easy for me to say what I would’ve done, but had I been in that position, I am pretty sure I would have been speechless to – due to unexpected shock.
    As for the smoking thing – this is one thing that I am anal about. If someone lights up near my child, I do not keep quiet – even at shopping centres when people smoke outside, IN the non-smoking areas!! I think it’s one of the most inconsiderate things ever. As a rule, I do not allow smoking in my house either – never have. My home is my own and people should bloody well respect that.

  20. Abs on

    Dee, Your friend sounds so bloody thoughtless and inconsiderate! It’s not a nice feeling to loose friends but sometimes as life changes and we grow apart and become different people it’s better to let go and at least have the good memories to look back on instead of letting it blow up in both your faces and having to deal with regret from things which were said or done in the heat of the moment. You are so brave to invite her to stay while pregnant with triplets! I take my hat of to you! She should too! xx

  21. CalT on

    Oh no Dee how aweful! I would seriously reconsider this friendship. It is NEVER ok for people to let their kids run wild in someone elses home and expect the host to just watch the child. It is so difficult to be consistent with discipline, but it is so necessary. The comments your friend made are just beyond inappropriate. I think you’re better off without such negativity in your life.

  22. strongblonde on

    so i’ve been stewing about this since your wrote it. i just don’t understand people sometimes. you need to surround yourself with positive people right now, and after the babies are born. it’s true that relationships will change, and that’s okay. but you really need to do what is best for you.

    yuck! i just hope you are able to still relax and not stress out about it too much.

    xx


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