Some Honesty

Ive been thinking about this blog post for a while now.

Along my 5 year journey with IF I always saw (most) “pregnant after IF” blogs as rather irritating. I couldn’t really see the reason why people would want to continue blogging once they have achieved the ultimate. What could you possibly need to vent/discuss/question once pregnant? Whilst ttc the blog posts came naturally, I wrote what I felt and as honestly as I could, now I feel I cant do that any more. Which makes me feel a bit fake.

I want to be honest and say pregnancy isn’t easy. That’s not to say that Im not grateful, its not to say I don’t want to fall to my knees every time I see my reflection and thank God in a stream of tears. Its not to say I don’t want every single one of you still struggling to be on the other side but I need to say it – its just not as easy as maybe I dreamt it would be.

I never knew how emotional I would be. I cry often, sometimes I don’t even know why.

I never knew how exhausted I would feel. It would help if I could sleep.

I never knew how paranoid and anxious I would be. Last night I had what I can only describe as a panic attack. It was awful. Even in the deepest darkest hours of ttc I don’t think I ever had a panic attack. It’s the total lack of control that freaks me.

We ordered the cots yesterday and I cried my eyes out. I sobbed because not so long ago I thought it would never happen. Me? Ordering cots? WTF.

Maybe what Im trying to say with everything above is that the scars of IF run deep. I wrongly assumed that once I was pregnant that all would be forgotten, I would blissfully walk around rubbing my belly with a smile the size of America. Yes, the happiness is in my heart and I do smile but at times the past haunts me and kinda ruins the present.

My BFF is currently pregnant. Her first was a whoops and this one was planned and it took all of 1 month for her to conceive. She scanned at 8 weeks and she is scanning again at 18 weeks. I asked her how on earth does she make it 10 weeks without a scan but to her its not really an issue. She is blissful, happy, walks around telling the world, posts the news on FB, talks about the fact that she wants a boy, buys baby stuff and its all completely NORMAL for her. Me on the other hand, I walk around praying that everything is OK, crying at the drop of a hat, waking up in the middle of the night in a pool of sweat, trying to block out the bad dreams, living on a knife edge. It pisses me off. Why cant I be like her?

If I had flipped through this blog in my past I would have honestly blackmarked it never to return. I apologise in advance if you swear and close the page. I would have done the same.

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24 comments so far

  1. Cathy Nel on

    Listen your blog post is more than warranted and you have every right to feel the way you do. We spend so long trying to reach the ultimate dream and (I can only imagine at this point) when you reach that wonderful place you’ve been dreaming of,the scars of the war you’ve faught will stay with you until the day you die. Infertility changes you. It’s a war a battle against the odds and for a person NOT to come out ‘changed’ at the end of the day is down right impossible!!! So you have every right to feel the way you do and because you’ve tried so hard and been through so much to reach this point, you WON’T just be happy and NORMAL. The fact that you’re pregnant does not wipe out your entire journey to get to this point. You will never forget what it feels like to want something so bad. You are there, but you are changed and you are scarred. All you can do is embrace and still take one day at a time.
    The fact that you’re carrying triplets just ups the anti and it’s natural that you would be anxious and stressed. So don’t be so hard on yourself. I will continue to read your blog and watch your tummy grow. You’re now just on a whole other rollercoaster.

    As for your friend she has never been scarred and she does not know the ‘loss of fertility’ so she will stand on top of the roof and shout it out to the world – she’s one of them…. you’re one of us…. there’s no shame in that – we all have different paths that we walk in this life. Love yours, embrace it and look forward to new beginnings – but never deny or change who you are or what you’ve been through!

    In my eyes you’re a heroin – you fought the war against infertility, you never gave up…. AND YOU WON!

    PURE INSPIRATION
    XXX

  2. Sharon on

    Dee, I felt exactly the same way as I adjusted to the first few months of motherhood. The thing I’d ached for, the thing I’d sweated bloody for was finally a reality, I was a mother and it wasn’t anything I dreamed it would be. It was harder in ways I never ever ever could have imagined in all my years of infertility.
    I think the years we spend hoping,praying and TTC’ing actually give us too much time to fantasize about what it will be like when our dream is finally realized. And when the reality of that dream sets in and its not at all what we expected and a million times harder than we could have imagined, it is hard to adjust to and its scary to own it because there is judgment in doing that. But you feel whatever you need to feel, you’re pregnant with triplets, infertile or not, that feat alone was never going to be easy.
    Your blog readership will change and some people will be pissed off with some of your posts, but along the way you’ll gain new readership and a new audience, you’re moving into a new phase in your life and change is not always easy even when its the change we’ve prayed for, begged for and sweated blood for!
    Hang in there!

  3. Marcia from 123 blog on

    All your feelings are very valid.

    A friend (also infertile) told me once that I’m still human, just had the infertility journey to add to the mix, so if I battled with the babies (and how!) I was to go easy on myself.

    you’re a lot like me – very hard on yourself and I know it’s easy for people to say “take it easy” and so on, but it’s not that easy to do.

    Also remember you’ve got 3 times the amount of hormones coursing through your body 🙂

  4. Boo on

    Please do not feel alone girl. Just the other day I told my Husband: Nobody told me being pregnant would be this difficult. Last night I battled to sleep again. My ankles / feet feels like elephant feet. I keep on gaining weight even with me watching what I eat. And when I say I gain lots of weight, I mean lots. In the last 2 months, I gained 10kg’s……. I will not trade this for anything in this world…… but someone should write a book on pregancy not being as easy as everyone would like to make it out to be.

    So please girl, if you feel you need to vent, then do so…..

  5. Abs on

    Thanks for your honesty Dee. I hope the anxiety becomes more managable as you near your due date and that eventually you will be able to relax and just enjoy motherhood. You have travelled a long road and you deserve every bit of happiness that is coming your way. You have had such a scare with the medication mix up so your anxiety is no surprise! You can do this Dee – you have proven that time and time again with your strength and will power! xxx

  6. Emily on

    Don’t feel bad about venting on your own blog. Yes some infertiles may not be able to handle it, but many will be able to handle it. Before becoming PG I would pick and choose which PG after IF blogs I would read each time. Others can do that as well. I think all of your feelings are valid especially with trips thrown in. I relate to the feelings of pregnancy being harder than I thought. And like another poster wrote, your experience is as valid as your BFF’s. You are both coming at PG from different beginnings and so you will handle it differntly. How exciting that you ordered baby stuff!

  7. CalT on

    I second what Sharon has said. Motherhood was just not as perfect as I had imagined and dreamed it would be. And I still feel cheated of so many things, and my views are still so jaded, but as hard is being a mom is, I wouldn’t swop it for anything. I can imagine it is similar with pregnancy.
    I have never experienced a full term pregnancy, but it does not upset me to read of pregnant ladies battling and not enjoying it all the time. I mean, who wants to feel naar all the time, or have backache, sleep deprivation etc? It doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate your miracles, it just means its hard and not always easy. This continues into motherhood. You’re completely normal. Unfortunately motherhood brings with a whole heap of guilt. You feel guilty if you complain, if you want a break etc but know that you are not alone, most woman just feel too guilty to admit how they really feel. And you’re carrying triplets for crying out loud! No small feat! Be proud of yourself for having conquered so much. This is YOUR journey and you are entitled to feel however you want to.

  8. skrambled on

    I can understand your post and I think that your honesty is fantastic.I think that infertility changes us all in many ways, and the scars really do run very deep. I’m realizing that more and more as I leave the IVF world and try to make peace with the feelings that are surfacing. Transitions are difficult and you are entitled to be honest and real about yours. Thinking of you lots xxx

  9. Fran on

    Oh sweetie…if it’s of any consolation I have your identical fears and anxieties. I haven’t bought anything yet (I mean, this cannot be happening to me…really? Will we have a baby in January? Really? Can you promise? Where do I sign? etc). I am not too emotional but I am edgy. I love my belly but I don’t post on ANY pregnancy board, not a word on FB and some of my friends (ok, not the closest ones) don’t even know yet. I am annoyed with myself for not being able to relax, to enjoy the pregnancy to the fullest. I’ve written about this in my blog a few times. But we can’t compare ourselves to those who thought about having a baby and got pregnant the next day. To be honest with you I find it also difficult to compare myself to those who got pregnant with and IUI…to me that is more or less like fresh water, we never even got seriously considered for it. One round of IVF? Well yeah it’s getting closer. But when we went through more rounds than we’d like to mention, plus the joke of ectopics when it was a BPF in my case, in all honesty I put our stories at a different level. I’m surprised I haven’t lost my head. I’m so glad my OB understands and keep saying to me that after all I’ve been through it would be ABNORMAL to NOT feel anxious. Maybe I would have been an anxious mom-to-be even without all this crap, but that’s not for us to say.
    Big hugs my friend, you are not alone and definitely cannot be so hard on yourself.

  10. celia on

    No one is going to judge you babydoll. Our son was born almost exactly four years after we began trying. I had a wretched pregnancy, a horrible, terrible delivery and then Peter was screaming for hours and hours AND HOURS each day. He had acid reflux and I held him literally 23 hours a day for the first 8 weeks. He is a wonderful baby and I am thrilled and elated, but he is not what you call an easy baby.

    I adore him but it has been an upward climb. I feel guilt complaining but I use my blog to let off steam so that I can keep my sense of humor and be a better mother.

    Pregnancy is hard. Mothering is hard. No one doubts how thankful you are.

  11. strongblonde on

    so. i’ve been there. it sucks. the anxiety for me was overwhelming. i still didn’t want to admit to people i was pregnant (even as far along as 24 weeks…when i really couldn’t hide it) for fear of having to explain it all when/if something happened and i lost the babies. it’s so tough. you can only do what you can do. i agree with everyone else above. you have a right to your feelings and your outlet.

    …i’m still reading 🙂

  12. Mash on

    I’ve been one who battles to read about other people’s pregnancies after TTC, and I found this post absolutely amazing. Thanks so much for it, it’s really from the heart. I think you are an incredible person. xxx

  13. Nix on

    Dee you are completely normal! Trust me! I’ll tell you a little secret. After having T and being in hospital i lay looking at him thinking – WTF have i done. I don’t want a child. so yes after 4 years and 3 miscarriages I had those feelings! Stupid but natural (I hope). But now only a year later have I adjusted to the fact that I AM finally a mommy and I’m enjoying every minute.

    And on the pregnancy front – it freaken sucks. Pregnancy is NOT all sunshine and roses. In fact it never is. It’s hard, it’s sore, it’s emotional, it’s alot of things. It’s awful!! And I was pregnant with 1 not 3. So don’t be so hard on yourself my friend! This too shall pass. Loving you! – Nix

  14. ttcnot2easy on

    I can relate to this. I’ve not blogged in ages, because I no longer have anything to vent about. Most of the readers are TTC’ers too and I also don’t want to harp on about what I have, and what they are still waiting (painfully) for. I know, because there were blogs (and people) I avoided when I was in the throes of my sadness over my IF. This is another reason why I fully understand why my past blog readers no longer visit my pages – and at the same time, why I have new blog readers now.

    I also find myself stopping my thoughts of “I can’t do this” and so on – because THIS, after all, is what I have wanted for so long. I cannot be ungrateful for what I have, and I cannot have moments when I think that I can’t do this – or what was I thinking. I feel horribly guilty when those thoughts creap in during the hard, hard times. How dare I say these things, when all I really wanted was to be a mom? It’s probably natural to think this – I have a friend who has 2 gorgeous daughters, and has given still-birth to another 2. She told me on Sunday that she’s had the same feelings. Hers differ ever so slightly in that she hates feeling that way when all four pregnancies came easily to her.

    Don’t be too hard on yourself Dee. What you’re going through is normal. Besides, you are carrying three treasures inside your belly and you’re having to work 3 times as hard to grow them, so you are going to feel tired, etc.

    I cannot wait to see what these precious bundles will look like – and how your face changes and eyes sparkle when they are in your life. I’ve loved watching them grow – albeit through a computer screen.

    Wishing you every strength. So many of us are here with you every step of the way.

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  15. samcy on

    Dee you’re only human honey. Feel what you need to feel and don’t ever feel like you can’t blog about what you need/want to blog about.

    On days when ppl are having a hard time reading about your blessing (one that I’m sure is freaking hard to deal with at times) they have a choice – they can read or they can click the x at the top of the screen.

    A triplet pregnancy was never going to be “easy” and I for one think you’re handling it all with much aplomb and strength of character.

    Hang in there and chin up!

    xxx

  16. Jodi on

    Ten things no one told me about pregnancy

    1. Will not feel as cute as you thought those preggo moms you once envied were. You feel FAT
    2. You are always constipated.
    3. Life altering nausea (morning sickness ha ha ha)
    4.Hemorrhoids-which by the the way last forever
    5. PMS times a million
    6. You are annoyed by everything any man does or says
    7. insomnia
    8.headaches
    9. every single substance in the world maybe toxic to your baby/babies and it is your job to figure which ones are before they touches your mouth or skin etc
    10. Every single person you see everysingle day will ask, “How you feeling mommma?”. Towards the end I would say guess what I feel like shit all the time.
    11. YOu will be terrified of your cat touching you with his poopy old miscarriage causing paws.

  17. Invivo on

    Can only smile when I read this as it sounds all too familiar.

    Much can be said, but know this, multiple pregnancy is a whole different ballgame. You’ve got a triple dose of hormone induced pregnancy mania and it WILL take its toll.

    Take deep, deep breaths, all day, every day.

    You are off the beaten track.

  18. Erika on

    Hoping your IF scar will one day be completely healed!

  19. peanuttam on

    I have been thinking about this a lot lately, about the damage that IF does and how it affects us when we do finally get it right.

    Don’t feel bad about this post, it’s refreshing to read this, to hear the honesty of it all and I agree with everyone that this is your blog, so if don’t like it then they mustn’t read it!

    You need to also remember that you are carrying triplets, a triplet pregnancy isn’t easy for anyone, nevermind someone who has suffered the extent of infertility that you have.

    Thinking of you all the time sweets.

    Hugs Xxx

  20. darylfaure on

    Girl – you are carrying triplets! That in itself is an amazing feat, so yes – you are more than entitled to feel that pregnancy is not all it is cracked up to be. Please don’t ever apologise for your feelings. They are yours and you are entitled to them, and if people don’t like hearing them then they can stop reading your blog.

    I know it is not going to be easy for you and I also think you are doing so well and with such dginity. Hang in there Dee.

  21. cat@juggling act on

    I had but a tiny taste of infertility so I believe I have a tiny bit of insight into that world. Not much, but a bit. It’s ok to not always feel elated at what’s happening to your body. And remember once they are there it is also ok not to be always bubbling with joy and love. If you were honest about your infertile feelings, you have to be honest about pregnancy and motherhood. It’s not easy. With multiples it is way harder. It’s fine to be honest – I hate those, “everything is always great” bloggers – I just do not read them. That’s not what life’s about.

  22. bratty on

    Enjoy that growing belly….it is the most beautiful thing in the world.

  23. Me on

    Just because you’ve reached the “other side” doesn’t mean you will forget what this side is like. IF affected you for longer than you pregnancy has so far and honestly it’s such a strong emotional journey that I don’t believe it ever leaves your life once it’s touched it.

    Pregnancy is/was never going to be a stroll through a rainbow filled countryside surrounding by butterflies while eating fairyfloss – regardless of how long or HOW it took you to get their.

    What you’re feeling is normal and don’t beat yourself up about it.

    BTW congrats on your 3 daughters that you’re currently growing!

    xx

  24. Reese on

    Hi,

    I just stumbled upon your blog. I am currently in the midst of IVF #3. I wanted to let you know that you may think infertiles are instantly turned off by “Pregnancy after Infertility” blogs, but I have found your story so hopeful and uplifting. I’ve definitely had a dark week with my stim cycle not going exactly as anticipated, but when I read stories like yours I feel so much joy and hope. Sometimes it is what we need to press on, like you had the courage to do. So Thank you and I am so happy for you and your new family.


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