I want to talk about dreams, both kinds – ones when you are awake and asleep.

Today, 5 years ago I married my soul mate. It was a stunning ceremony, we got married in a small chapel in Ballito in Natal. It was a morning wedding as I knew I would never be able to wait until the afternoon to get married (see I was even impatient then).The sun was shining brilliantly and it was a typical Durban winter’s day ie warm and sunny, not too hot or cold. After the ceremony we went to the beach to have our photos taken. We walked along the rocks in our wedding gear and it was funny to have so many people looking and waving at us. What a wonderful day!

We started ttc 6 months later. I threw my pill away on the 29th January 2006 and was looking forward to conceiving within the first half of the year so I could still fit in a 2006 baby!! (ROFL hysterically). We were so young then (26) and Im guessing if parenthood had come easily we may not be the kind of people we are today, but we would have managed because we always do.

I can honestly say that the only thorn in our marriage has been infertility. Looking back 5 years I have so many wonderful memories but I am also sad to think that so much of that time was spent with the dark black cloud called infertility. It’s a huge chunk of our marriage that has been taken over by this vile thing called infertility. I hate it and Im jealous of those marriages that don’t have to deal with it. Perhaps we were some of the lucky ones because not all marriages survive this invasion. The inability to have children is not something I will ever let come between us, its just not an option. I love my husband more than life itself and without him by my side all these years Im not sure where or who I would be today. He has taught me patience, respect, loyalty and how to love someone with every fibre of my soul. I love you baby.

Ive been having horrible dreams lately and I hate it. What I don’t understand is why in times of stress (Im just stressed about the scan) does your mind always think negatively or pessimistically? Or expect the worst? Like before our wedding day I would have these hectic dreams that no guests arrived and I had to walk down the aisle naked, holding a cactus or something along those lines. Now Im dreaming horrible baby dreams that leave me lying awake, drenched in sweat. Why cant my mind just dream good baby dreams of me holding our live baby? Its so irritating and I just don’t get it.

My scan in on Wednesday the 9th, it just simply cannot come soon enough. I will try and update as soon as I can.


13 comments so far

  1. Gail on

    Congratulations on your 5 year anniversary! You are an amazing couple! Try not to worry about your scan on Wednesday (easier said than done, I know) but I am so, so sure everything is going to be just perfect. I will be thinking of you and can’t wait for your update. Lots of love.

  2. Melissa G. on

    What a lovely tribute to your hubby.

    I know what you mean about feeling resentful that so many other couples have it easy and never have to deal with this hardship. Sometimes I wonder where we’d be had things gone the way we planned…But the longer I deal with IF the more grateful I’ve become because our marrige has been strong enough to withstand such a substantial blow. And here we are. Some couples never get to experience the level of intimacy and fortitude that we have, because they were never truly tested. If had to choose, I’d still pick what you and I both have – Someone who’s taught me “patience, respect, loyalty and how to love someone with every fibre of my soul.”

    Happy Anniversary.

  3. Leigh from 123 blog on

    Happy anniversary – your wedding day sounds like it was perfect.

    I also believe if you can get through IF you can get through anything!

    are you still nauseous? Your baby/ies are telling you all is well 🙂

  4. jill on

    Aww that sounds beautiful. What a great pic – and I love your hair! 🙂

    I know the disturbing power of those negative dreams… ugh. They are not fun. I hope you stop having bad dreams and that your scan next week goes wonderfully.

  5. Waiting In Sunshine on

    Congrats on your anniversary! I 100% understand what you mean by IF taking away parts of a wonderful marriage. But you and I are both lucky in that we refuse to let IF make that much of a gap between us. I know too many couples who haven’t survived it.

    And you and I both are waiting for our first scans!


  6. Mash on

    Congratulations on the 5 year anniversary. We had a similar situation, I wanted to be married a year. I still clearly remember the first BD when we decided to have kids, I thought, great, that’s it, job done. Ha ha ha ha ha, isn’t that hysterical.

    A strong marriage is crucial, and I can see the love in your DH’s eyes.

    Although IF is horrendous, I have to say, I’ve grown so much from the experience, and our marriage is stronger now. We are in a better space to be parents and good spouses to each other than ever before.

    I’m so excited for your scan, I think the moment will be just as special as your wedding day 🙂

  7. RJ on

    Our hubbies really do deserve some props too. A lovely post 🙂

  8. samcy on

    Happy Anniversary Dee!

    I hear you on the IF being the only “mark” on your marriage but that being said as much as it’s sucked and the bad times are really bad, it’s also taught you much as a couple and had made you the couple you are today.

    There can be good found even in the shitest of situations.

    I’m just glad that you’re now pregnant and that you can move forward to new good things together.


  9. lastchanceivf on

    I love that picture! Look at your husband’s expression–total and complete adoration.

    I definitely agree–IF can rob a lot from a marriage. But you just keep going and keep loving each other through it. And look–you are moving closer and closer to the famed ‘other side’!

  10. strongblonde on

    happy anniversary! just think of how far you’ve come and grown in five years! i also know what you mean about thinking the worst. i think my parents somehow programmed me that way or something. before my first scan i had very bad thoughts and dreams. you just have to try to push those out of your head!


  11. MariaE on

    Hi Dee.

    Congrats on your 5 year wedding anniversary, and to many many more woderful years together, a fullterm pregnancy, and no more infertile days.
    I have been wondering what had happened to you. Was searching for one of your posts, but hopefully on Wednesday will read more amout baba.


  12. bratty37 on

    Happy Anniversary

    One more sleep until the scan…good luck..will be thinking of you

  13. Boo on

    Any news on the scan?

    I am so looking forward to your update

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