Category Acceptance

Got my Day 2 blood test results today. My FSH is 5.1 and AMH above 6. Now would someone please tell me why my eggs are playing up? Surely with these results we can get some nice embies? Surely. Ladies who use DE have an FSH level of above 15 and AMH levels below 1. I still sometimes cant understand why we have used DE. Using donor gametes is not an easy decision, most of 2009 was spent going back and forth over saying goodbye to my DNA and being excited that this could be our answer. But with these kind of results I really battle with the thought of why we did DE. I guess last year I was kind of desperate as sad as that sounds. I had just come off 4 failed cycles with a m/c included. I was so frikken desperate to have a child that we just forged ahead with DE. Maybe I should have saved that money? But then again I always come back to the same notion that “we had to go through that to get here”.

If I look back on our journey I can separate each year of trying into categories. Year one was Category Excitement, Year two Category Seeking Answers, Year three Category Devastation (my m/c year), Year four Category Desperation (DE year) and now entering into our fifth year, Category Acceptance or what I like to call “No matter how hard you try your fate is sealed”.

Lets face it, Ive tried everything. I posted a comment on another blog yesterday and mentioned all the things Ive tried to have a baby namely – Clomid, 3 IUI’s, a post coital test, a laparoscopy and then another one, drinking Chinese meds and bitter “tea”, acupuncture x3 different people, reflexology x2 different people, chiropractor, light healing, SCIO at 3 different places, yoga, gyming, placing a pillow under my bum after sex, taking semen samples to the pathologist and standing in line whilst I had old people stare at me, blood tests by the dozen, fighting with medical aid to get IF stuff paid, a hysteroscopy, an HSG, a varicocele op and then a hydrocele op (OK, that wasn’t me but still), an emotionally painful D&C, injected enough IVF meds to sink a ship, praying, prayer beads, prayer lists, closing all the windows in my room with black bags to prevent any light from coming in during certain times of my cycle, buying baby clothes to visualise my baby in it, a vision board, affirmations, castor oil packs, 4 IVF cycles including 1 ZIFT under GA, consultation with 4 different RE’s, angels, fertility symbols, I even took a photo next to a fertility idol in India, so many supplements that my cupboards are walk in pharmacies, drops, potions, lotions, waking up at 4am each time I needed a scan, donor eggs from 2 different donors, a consultation with a fertility astrologist, buying 2 different types of fertility monitors (neither of which worked for me), OPK’s, HPT’s, BBT charts, felt for my cervix, cough syrup, counselling x3 different therapists (still haven’t found a really really good one yet), speaking to a minister, went to church, stress courses, metaphysics course, anti-depressants, detoxing, hypnotherapy, massage treatment, meditation, homeopaths, eating carbs before 3pm, not eating carbs, eating only carbs (that’s a joke…), organic foods, stopped coffee, started green tea and full cream milk, ate fresh pineapple, soy products, cranberry juice, grapefruit juice, probiotics, made my own yoghurt (to help with Cand.ida), following the PCOS diet, I even had the mercury fillings in my teeth drilled out, one hole went into the nerve and I had to have root canal as a result!!

What Im trying to say is that I don’t feel as desperate as previous years. I can honestly say that in the 4+ years of trying that I have literally tried everything (see list above). I cannot one day turn around and say “boy I wish I had tried x” (If there is anything I might NOT have tried you can let me know as Im pretty sure I will try it!)

There is only one thing left to do and that is persevere, there isn’t much else left to do. I leave my fate in Fate’s hands, I cant try any harder than I have been. Maybe part of the journey is learning to give up control or learn acceptance of the situation. Or learning to trust that everything is going to be OK, however it may turn out. I found a brilliant quote the other day – “Everything will be OK in the end and if its not OK its not the end”- Unknown – Isnt that just fantastic?

In other news we have an appointment to fetch our meds and go through the cycle days with our co-ordinator on 23rd March. It seems that our cycle will be delayed by a week so there is no clash with my sisters wedding in April but that’s OK. Otherwise Im looking forward to it! I also phoned Prof Kruger from Vin.cent Pall.otti for a second opinion on our sperm issues. He is a very sweet doctor, very kind and reassuring. He has requested a stained slide to look at the morphology himself and give us his opinion. We have done that and hopefully we get those results soon. What surprised me is that Prof Kruger is THE Kruger in “The strict Kruger Morphology” – how all semen morphology is analysed! So Im guessing he knows his stuff. More on that soon.


14 comments so far

  1. ^WiseGuy^ on

    I do not know why your bod is playing up but tell you what….I loved what you said about perseverance.

  2. Mash on

    Good grief!!! I thought I was bad, sounds like I haven’t even started yet! I also have AMH over 6 and was kind of thinking that was a guarantee that I was bursting with eggs or something. Did your Doc suggest DE? You have a one in three chance every time you do IVF, that’s like throwing a three sided dice every time. You might just be rolling the wrong number every time and there’s no other reason.

    Acceptance is always a good thing though, if nothing else, it is a more peaceful emotion. Please God/Allah/Buddha/Universe, let this next one be THE one!

  3. Sharon on

    I have to say Dee, my IF journey became way easier to deal with when I surrendered to it and accepted it for what it was and just knuckled down and got on with it. I think you’re on the right track! Hang in there!!11

  4. skrambled on

    I can’t say that I am not desperate, because I am! I am desperate for this next cycle to work!! But I also believe that the fate of each cycle has already been decided. So it doesn’t matter how much positive energy and prayer I indulge in.
    Isn’t that frustrating.

  5. Leigh from 123 blog on

    I am AMAZED – I had NO IDEA you went through so many things.

    Mash is right, acceptance is definitely the more peaceful route. When I also stopped saying “but WHY do WE have to PAY to have babies and other people just pop them out like SMARTIES?” I felt a lot more peace LOL


  6. Camilla on

    Hiya Dee! I have just actually ended my new post on my blog with a similiar sentiment. I am starting IVF 4 now and am much less stressed with a degree of acceptance that what will happen will happen. Of course we still have hope, but it is oh so more peaceful to hand it over. I have also tried everything – your post made me chuckle at all the things we do to try to very very hard to make it work…from now on I will meet the universe halfway but I am not going to push it…xxx

  7. jill on

    You definitely can say you’ve tried it all! That is amazing. Acceptance is a good thing though. I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of acceptance. Sometimes I get tiny glimpses of life without kids and I surprise myself by feeling like things will be happy in that life. Then I go back to feeling like having children is the only thing I’ve ever wanted and “why can’t it just happen?” I can’t figure myself out 🙂

  8. Charissa on

    I am not nearly as far into this as you, but I had an epiphany a month or two ago about the perseverance. I had heard so many stories of women who did everything right and didn’t get pregnant and women who did everything wrong and did get pregnant, that it finally just clicked with me that I need to let go of any sense of control I feel over the whole thing. Of course I’ll take steps to fix known problems, but in the end, it’s going to come down to a little sperm that defies huge odds to meet a little egg who has defied all odds to be there, and then the embryo defying all odds to make it up and implant. It will be a miracle whether my whole cycle has gone right or if it has all gone wrong. So I just need to keep waiting and trying. It’s easy to come to that realization but very hard to really hang on to it!

  9. R.J. on

    I know how frustrating it is after 4+ years not to have any true answers (and with the question of why you had to do DE in the 1st place, I can’t imagine how confused you are). It’s exhausting yet at the same time for me, stopping isn’t an option! I totally agree that it’s a matter of perseverance and a battle of wills. Sounds like you have a true expert to help with the MFI stuff. Wishing you all the best this next cycle.

  10. Bratty on

    This IVF certainly sucks with its ups and down….but wishing you all the best for the next cycle.
    We also got Prof K involved….gave us great advice…which worked…

  11. samcy on

    Too true my dear, the things we have done to ourselves in our pursuit of motherhood! It’s actually funny if you take a step back and look in 😉

    I like what you said about perserverance – it’s so, so true… someone once told me that I could never fail if I never gave up, yes there would be “failures” along the way but you can only FAIL once you’ve given up and it really struck a chord in my heart.

    Thinking of you going into this cycle and praying for you.


  12. Tam on

    What a lovely, truthful post Dee. It is amazing what we go thru un persuit of that pitter patter, there are things that we have done that seriously made me question our sanity but there you have it, it’s all part of the journey – the journey to acceptance.

    I think we all get there eventually, it is a much better place to be. I hope that all of us that are still struggling have some luck real soon.

    Will be rooting for you this cycle chicken. Lots of love Xxx

  13. ttcnot2easy on

    I can quite honestly say that I’m quite floored by everything that you’ve tried… I feel like a rookie over here! 😉 Here I was thinking that we’ve been TTC all these years.. but you’ve really done it all. Shooo. Damnit, I hope that this will be your time. I’m holding thumbs, I’m going to Om for you.. I’m going to cross all my stuff.

  14. thepennychronicles on

    Oh Dee, I know how you feel. I haven’t been on the rollercoaster as long as you, but it’s been pretty full on for the year I have been. 3 x IUI, 3 x IVF. I’m from Australia and I’m about to come to Cape Town to see Prof. Kruger in two weeks time for DEIVF! We have MFI as well, so I’m hoping he can solve our problems. He comes so highly recommended.I’ll be interested to see what comes of your second opinion with him.

    Best of luck with your cycle! I saw on your latest post you start injecting Lucrin in a couple of weeks! Not long to go now then! I’ve been injecting it for the last two weeks.

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