Freaky Stuff

A few freaky things have happened to me in the past few days.

Firstly, do you guys remember that FB incident I blogged about not so long ago? Well you will never believe what happened. That idiot found out what company I work for, phoned communications at head office and got my contact details from them. He then proceeded to phone me at work to ask why I blocked him from my FB account. I was speechless. He wanted to know “what my problem was” and why I felt it necessary to block him. I told him that he made me feel uncomfortable and that he was starting to creep me out even more. I have been feeling uneasy ever since. It cant really be that difficult to find out where I live if he was able to find my number and its fucking freaking me out!! Im not sure what to do now. I have CLI on my work phone so I managed to get his phone number down but apparently its difficult to bar a number here at work, I have to go through our phone service provider, Tel.kom to do that. Im assuming he has my cellphone number as all my details are on our centralised system. This has actually made me feel very vulnerable and unsafe. Any suggestions on what I should do?

Then the second freaky thing happened this weekend. On Saturday we had some friends over. My one friend has 2 sons, 6 and 3. I was OK with them coming, she actually asked me beforehand which I appreciated. We all had a great time, the two boys loved swimming and playing with our dogs and helped make pizza. I even pretended for a short while that they were my kids, as pathetic as that sounds. Everyone left and I got ready for bed. I got into bed around midnight and this dark, heavy depression settled in with me. It was like I was consumed by the most terrible, sad, dark thoughts. I felt extremely sad and lonely. My chest even felt heavy with sadness. I felt the tears start and I got up so I didn’t disturb my husband who was already sleeping. I got as far as the bathroom and started weeping and sobbing. I felt like I just couldn’t take just one more second of being infertile. I was dangerously close to hurting myself. It was the scariest thing ever. I almost don’t remember the rest. My husband at some point woke up and came to see what had happened. I just started crying my fucking eyes out, screaming and begging him to take the pain of infertility away. My husband was so bewildered and kept on asking me what happened. It was like 4 years of emotions came roaring out. I cried solidly for 2 hours, crawling into bed at 2am with eyes so puffy I could hardly see and literally gasping for air with great big sobs in-between. It was the most awful thing ever, one of my lowest lows in this journey.

The only thing I can think of is that having the kids around and the pregnancy announcements from last week triggered some guttural reaction. It was like a taunt, a carrot being waved in my face and no matter how fucking hard I try I just don’t seem to get there. Im on AD’s at the moment so I cant understand it. I actually want to wean myself off them once we start our next cycle. Maybe that’s not such a great idea. Honestly I just don’t even know what to think anymore.

On Sunday I felt like a piece of crap. I literally lay on the couch from the time I got up to bed time. I didn’t even change out of my PJ’s. For the 29 Gift Challenge the only thing I could think of was to give my doggie a huge big cuddle on the couch and that made me feel a lot better.

I also haven’t had my period in about 50 days. I decided to take my temperature this morning as I can always tell if I have ovulated if my temperature is on the high side. If my temp was going to be low then I was going to start pro.vera today. And lo and behold, I have, at some point miraculously ovulated, the third freaky thing to happen to me over the last few days….

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13 comments so far

  1. Mash on

    That is really super wierd about that guy. Nothing like that has ever happened to me, so I can’t really give any advice. I’m so sorry you are feeling so down, I think the sadness of IF comes in waves. We suppress it for so long and then it hits you out of the blue in a huge way. Thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon.

  2. celia on

    Hmm, I would #1, google yourself. See if anything comes up. I do this every once in a while. Sometimes even when you post anonomously your real name can be found. Don’t know how. But I saw it myself last year.

    Then, contact HR and tell them what is up. We have a strict rule at my job to give out no one’s contact info for just that reason. We contact them and they contact you.

    • dee on

      Thanks C, I actually did that after you suggested it and luckily there isnt much except it does say what company i work for but no addresses or contact info. x

  3. Melissa G on

    Oh Dee, I’m sorry it’s been such a rough couple of days. I agree with Celia – you should contact HR, we have a similar policy about giving out info.

    And you shouldn’t feel pathetic about pretending like the kids were yours. I do the same thing with my best friend’s kids. I know it’s a little strange, but it makes me feel good…

    I wonder if the fact that you haven’t had your period in so long has anything to do with your breakdown? Like a hormonal imbalance of some sort.

    Anyway, please know I’m thinking of you. Hang in there okay?

  4. R.J. on

    I can absolutely relate to the extreme low you’ve been feeling. It’s gut-wrenching and terrifying, and the littlest thing can bring you to these black depths. It’s probably been building a long time and you just needed a meltdown before you could pick yourself up again. We all have them. Big time in my case. I’m glad you’re on AD, and if you can find some additional support, I would reach for it. It sounds like you have a great, supportive hubby, but sometimes we need more. I hope you know you’re not alone in this.

    And for this HUGE creep that has infiltrated your life – it is not OK!! Calling you at work like that is crazy. I’m sorry, this is the last thing you need to be worrying about right now. I hope he gets the hint.

  5. ttcnot2easy on

    Sorry you’ve had such a rough time, hon! It’s SUCH an effing crap thing .. this whole IF business..
    And as for that FREAKO.. cripes.. I’d be pretty paranoid about it too – I’d pop to the police station if he gets too much closer to see what my options are.. Gawd.. what a loser!

  6. Bratty on

    There are many things to do…1. You can report him on facebook…2. Print his picture and give it to your security at work….3. Contact your local police dept (they can maybe give him a call)….4. Get a protection order out (although this one becomes ugly, and the court system is not very “user friendly”)

    It is very easy to find people in this world…you can be found on google, at your local traffic dept, a contact at SARS, a contact in the police dept. I had extreme difficulty hiding from my ex because he was a Cop and had contacts. With the new FICA regulations, you cannot give a postal address as a home address anymore. So I gave up on that route. I now protect myself through other means.

    On the second wierd thing…I think that our bodies hold so much pain and sadness that eventually it says “No More” and releases

    I really hope you are feeling better today….sending you lotsa love

  7. Leigh from 123 blog on

    oh my word

    I had a staff member working for me once who had an ex-boyfriend stalk her, phone her and say horrible (crude) things to her. She used to cry and be visibly shaken at work so after the second incident, we contacted IT and got his numbers blocked (I don’t know how – we were also with Tel.kom).

    number two – I think that may have been your gift to YOU – I think we all need a good old meltdown now and again…

    My 29 gifts are going splendidly – it is SUCH fun surprising people.

  8. Cedge on

    oh honey.

    I am so sorry you are going through all this now. Like the others said, a good meltdown and a good cry is sometimes what we need to get out repressed emotions. This whole IF business sucks bigtime, and it seems like the end is never in sight.

    As for the creep, take every precaution. And do not feel bad about it. Only an immature weirdo would not take a hint, and then, is he so insecure that he needs to track you down to find out why you blocked him? I mean, come on … get a life dude!

  9. mommyinwaiting on

    I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. Sometimes I think that just when we start to think we are doing ‘okay’ or as okay as can be expected, our emotions show us how wrong we can be. Sending you lots of love and hugs and strength. Take care of yourself.

  10. jill on

    Wow that is so scary 😦 I don’t have any advice, I just hope it doesn’t happen again and he leaves you alone.

    I’m sorry you are feeling so badly. IF is so disgustingly hard. Sending *hugs*!

  11. Hope on

    Hello Dee

    My heart go’s out to you & the hubby.I want you to know that while their’s life their’s hope…I had the worst year in my life in 2009. My husband & I both lost our source of income, we could not try any FT for the last 18months, every 2nd call was a pregnancy anouncement. My husband & I was very close to the “end” the “end” to our marriage, the “end” to FT, and the end of all hope of one day being happy with a family & a husband that smile every time he looks @ his kids on the jumping castle.

    Two weeks ago I received a job offer that placed me back on the hope track. Don’t give up, your today & your tmr wont be the same!

  12. An Update of Sorts « wheresmy2lines on

    […] Last week I started getting a few missed calls from a “Private number”. Then it started at midnight. My sister was travelling overseas so of course, being the neurotic that I am I started panicking, couldn’t sleep etc etc. I DO NOT appreciate my sleep being interrupted. It appears it was my stalker. […]


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