What Could Have Been

Yesterday was a hard day. You know, one of those days that you start to wonder what this is all in fact about, if there is ever going to be an end. It was also a day that I shed some tears over IF. The last time I allowed myself to cry over this shit was after my m/c.

I logged on to Go.ogle Read.er and was met with 2 pregnancy announcements, both long time VETS, which is great but as you know it stings a little and I started getting major “left behind syndrome”.

Then I got a third announcement.

This one was a little different to the others. Last year after my first failed DE cycle I was offered some donor embryos. I think I blogged about it way back then. I had every intention of using them and was busy prepping to transfer them when my second DE cycle came about. We decided to rather do a fresh DE cycle, with Dh’s sperm and use the frozen donor embies as a Plan B.

After a long, complicated series of events I ended up loosing out on the donor embies. It was partly due to legalities (the embryos were never legally transferred to us, everything was done verbally and therefore still belonged to the previous owner) and partly because it just didn’t feel right to have a huge fight over embies. I don’t need any further negative energy or karma associated with this jorney. So I let them go.

Yesterday I found out the owner of the embies is pregnant after her FET.

Gosh, it was like a lightening bolt to my heart. That could have been me.

Am I mad? No, not really. Am I sad? Yes, a lot.

I cried yesterday for what could have been. I realise that just because someone else got a BFP doesn’t mean I would have aswell. I realise there are a lot of factors. I realise my body might not have accepted the embies as another person’s did but I also realise that it could have been me and that really hurts. I feel like Im always the one holding the short end of the stick.

I keep holding onto the thought that if it was meant to be then it would have worked out for us. I truly believe that a soul chooses the life it wants to live and I have to believe, for my own sanity, that our miracle is still in the making.


15 comments so far

  1. samcy on

    Ai tog my friend, your miracle IS still in the making, your baby is coming to you…. I just wish I could tell you when.

    That being said I would probably have reacted in a similar way cos again it’s a squashing of your dream – of the coulda woulda shoulda’s…

    Praying for you and thinking of you all the time.


  2. ttcnot2easy on

    sorry my babes..
    hugging you

  3. Abs on

    I’m so sorry Dee. I can understand how this must have hurt for you. Try not to dwel on the coulda been, shoulda been, woulda beens in life. As much as it’s hard to hear I think God intended for the owner of those embies to keep them and he has another little soul in mind for you! xxxx

  4. jill on


    Pregnancy announcements can be so difficult to hear. I’m sure the donor embies announcement was much more difficult than the usual 😦 Your discription reminds me of when I heard that my ex husband was going to have a baby. We tried for so long when we were together – that should have been our baby he was expecting…

  5. Cindyhoo2 on

    I have those days too, especially around BFP announcements. The ones that kick me in the gut the hardest are the peoe who try for a couple of months and, and WHAM, preggo. I always get the “why not me’s?” around those. This IF thing sucks! I think it is perfectly ok to cry a few tears occasionally and to allow yourself a day here and there to shake your fist into the air. But your baby (and mine) is coming…. The waiting just hurts so darn badly. ((hugs))

  6. Melissa G on

    Dee your miracle is most certainly still in the making – I can feel it.

    I know those announcements can sting, I don’t have any advice for that accept to hope that one day it won’t hurt so much. For any of us…


  7. LastChance on

    I know, those vet announcements can sometimes be the most bittersweet and challenging to accept. But that donor embryo announcement–yikes. I am so sorry for that particular lightning bolt pain.


  8. skrambled on

    I also believe that your miracle is waiting for you. I am just sad (for all of us) That we have to endure this.

  9. S.I.F. on

    I am so so so sorry! It is ridiculously difficult when everyone else seems to be pulling the elusive BFP off; but especially with something like that… Big hugs to you!

  10. Sharon on

    Hang in there! Your time is coming!

  11. sienna on

    sending you a *hug* and wishing you lots of luck … you’re time is coming!!

  12. Elize on

    (((HUGS))). I am so sorry you’re hurting so much. Pregnancy announcements are hurtful, but the last one must have been absolutely horrible. I hope you get your miracle soon!

  13. Kate on

    Ugh… I’m sorry things are tough. I too seem to linger on ‘what might have been’… I wish you luck and hope you get your miracle soon.


  14. Myndi on

    Yes, I would find that disheartening as well. The most frustrating part is knowing you’ll never know and maybe always wonder. But just because that possibility is gone doesn’t mean you don’t have ever better possibilities ahead of you. Here’s hoping you get your chance sooner rather than later.

  15. Freaky Stuff « wheresmy2lines on

    […] only thing I can think of is that having the kids around and the pregnancy announcements from last week triggered some guttural reaction. It was like a taunt, a carrot being waved in my […]

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