Not much to say

I got up at exactly 3:33am, decided not to prolong the agony any longer, pee’d on 2 different sticks. Stood hovering over the test while it developed. Watching the test line like a hawk. And yet again in the 4 years of ttc I saw nothing, just stark whiteness. Waited a few more minutes. Turned to my husband, shook my head, we stood hugging one another like we always do when we get a negative result. And went back to bed, it was 3:44am. It took 11 minutes to crush my heart again.

Next steps?

1. Drink until I forget.

2. Say farewell to my current clinic. I know they have gotten it right with literally thousands of other women but they haven’t found the magic recipe for us. Whats that saying? Three strikes and you out, well six strikes makes you double out.

3. I have found a clinic in Jhb that does a sperm fragmentation test. Its not the same as the one in the USA but it will at least give us an indication of what we are looking at and also at a fraction of the price (thanks to the commentors/emails on my previous post, Ive learnt a lot about fragmentation). Already made an appointment for the 13th January.

4. Never give up.

What fucked with my head is the fact that I had pretty much come to terms with the fact that this cycle was a bust. The first week and a bit I got on with things, knowing what the result was likely to be. Then the last few days Ive had every fricken pregnancy symptom known to man. Sore, tender breasts, burning nipples, lower back ache, funny taste in my mouth, sharp shooting cramps, hunger pangs, tiredness, nausea etc etc and then my friend Hope came to visit. I started thinking what if this actually did work? That’s the worst part, the let down.

My hubby and I just sat this morning starting into space. I said to him I just don’t know what to say anymore, there are no words anymore for this. And in the words of a friend of mine, its ridiculous now. Its becoming a joke. I actually cant tell people anymore how many IVF’s Ive done because Im embarrassed! How absolutely devastatingly sad is that?


20 comments so far

  1. Abs on

    Oh Dee, I’m so very sorry my friend. I dont know exactly how you feel but I have an idea of how your heart is breaking. It just gets to a point where it all seems so unbelievable that we can still be in this situation even though we have given it so much time, effort, money and hope. I have no words to make it better for you but don’t give up. There is a solution out there somewhere if we just keep going. I know how hard it is my friend and I’m so heartsore for you! ((Hugs))xxx

  2. mommyinwaiting on

    Oh Honey, I am sooo sorry! I have no words that can help either. Thinking of you!

  3. ttcnot2easy on

    Dee I’m so sorry. I really am. I wish I could say more to make you feel better. I hope that your new clinic will be able to shed some light and that they will have your “recipe for success”, as you put it. Sending you hugs. xxx

  4. skrambled on

    I’m so sorry Dee, I really really hope that this new clinic can do better.

  5. apieceofwood on

    So so sorry to read this…

  6. Cedge on

    This whole IF journey sucks! I think u must just forget about for a while and just enjoy the festive season (if you can).

    Thinking of you at this time.

  7. Leigh from 123 blog on

    Oh my word, sweetie, I am also without words but oh so sorry for you both.

    I do think it’s a good idea to switch clinics and love that you can still say after all this cr*p that you’re not giving up! Love that about you 🙂

  8. Rach on

    I’m so very sorry 😦


  9. jill on

    I’m sorry 😦 *hug*

  10. celia on

    I am so sorry. I wish it could be different for you.

  11. samcy on

    Dee I am so so sorry to hear this. Thinking of you and sending you a lot of love and hugs.


  12. Melissa G on


    I am so, SO sorry. That just fucking sucks so much. My heart is breaking for you.

    Hugs, hugs, and more hugs.

  13. R.J. on

    So, so sorry! I know the heartbreak doesn’t get any damn easier. But I’m glad you’re changing things up after all this confusion.

  14. Jen on

    😦 {hugs}

  15. Elize on

    I’m so sorry Dee! (((HUGS)))

  16. Marion on

    I am so sorry you are hurting like this. It is so hard… The thing is everybody’s going on with their lives and expect you to recover quickly, but you can’t and they can’t understand it. They forget that you are still mourning and that takes time. That’s why IF is such a lonely road…

    I hope you will have some hope soon after your next appointment!

  17. cindyhoo2 on

    Oh Dee, I am absolutely crushed for you both. I don’t know why this is so hard for some of us. ((Hugs))

  18. Leigh from 123 blog on

    Just coming to say hope 2010 brings you all you dream of 🙂

  19. Sunshine on

    Crap, Dee. I’m so very sorry. Even when we are sort of expecting that snowy white window, it still feels like a bullet through the heart when you see it.

    I, too, am sick of telling people we are now at 11 IVFs. I hear ya babe, loud and clear. You are NOT ALONE.

  20. Lesley on

    Hi Dee

    So sorry to read about yet another negative result. The early morning POAS process must be my least favourite thing ever.

    I also contcated Dr W in US regarding the sperm tests and he said that even if we could get the sample there the test can’t be done on TESA sperm.

    Could you please send em the clinic’s name who does the sperm fragmentation test in SA? I’d really like to contact them. Thanks very much!

    Hope you’re doing as well as can be expected.

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