‘Brought to you by the Great Blog Cross Pollination’

Being a mom is my dream job. I’m sure I’ve said it before. My goals have always involved having and raising children. If I end up without children, I know I’ll survive and have a good life, but it will be a life I never ever imagined. We all have our own version of the common infertility journey and even though I feel so strongly about it, I’ve found I’m unable to express how I feel properly in a blog post.

A few months ago I heard a song that completely expresses infertility, from my point of view, in a way I could never manage to do. The emotions and imagery in the song so closely represent how I feel.

I was working from home that day, listening to music, watching my ACD asleep on the floor next to me. The playlist song switched and I unconsciously started listening <Where do we go from here?> to the words. Only a few lines in <How do we carry on?> I was pulled in by words I thought I heard <…cuts me with every could-have-been> and I started to listen more intently.

<Pain on pain on play, repeating>

Tears.

The words and my complicated feelings melded and she was suddenly singing my story, unasked.

It was a sad, lonely moment, lost in my infertility, but it was also not so lonely. Even if the song isn’t specifically about infertility, it is proof that others feel as I do. I thought of all the blogs I read of women going through this same hell and I wanted to share the song with everyone.

It expresses the uncertainty, the pain, the fact that there’s this unknown future without children waiting in the shadows (…backup makeshift life in waiting), the obnoxious “just relax” we’ve all been told (…time heals everything), the hopelessness and periods of giving up (…nothing to see here now), the sadness (…crumbled and puffy faced), even the millions of sterile, modesty-stealing procedures and appointments we’ve all endured (Around old magazines, fluorescent lighting sets the scene…).

My favorite verse is “All I want, only one street-level miracle. I’ll be an out-and-out born again from none more cynical.”  It’s such a simple thing that I wish for – to get pregnant and raise a child. I no longer believe it will happen, but if it does, I will be so very grateful.

To listen for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNbTW0lhR1Y

Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can’t get beyond the questions.
Clambering for the scraps
in the shatter of us collapsed.
It cuts me with every could-have-been.

Pain on pain on play, repeating
With the backup makeshift life in waiting.
*Chorus*
Everybody says time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?

There’s nothing to see here now,
turning the sign around;
We’re closed to the Earth ’til further notice.
A Stumbling cliched case,
crumbled and puffy faced.
Dead in the stare of a thousand miles.

All I want, only one street-level miracle.
I’ll be an out-and-out born again from none more cynical.

*Chorus*

And sit here cold?
We’ll be long gone by then.
And lackluster in dust we lay
Around old magazines.
Fluorescent lighting sets the scene
for all we could and should be being
in the one life that we’ve got.

In the one life that we’ve got.

*Chorus*

Are we just going to wait it out? Sit Here?
Just going to Wait it out? Sit here cold?
Just going to sweat it out?
Wait it out.

Can you guess who posted this? (I love this kind of stuff!) 🙂 Click here to find out!! You can click over there to see what I have posted for the day too (in a few hours due to time differences SA vs USA)

Thanks to Geohde over at Mission Impossible for organising this great event, it was great fun to get to know another fellow blogger!!

THIS WAS MY POST FOR THE XPOL:

Im busy reading this book called “Maybe Baby”. It’s a collection of short stories written by a multitude of people. All the stories are related to having children. Some people relate their story of how desperately they want children and the lengths they go to achieve that dream (obviously that’s the category we are all so familiar with) but then there are other stories of people who aren’t sure if they are meant to be parents or even want to be parents (a category Im starting to identify with), people who have had children and regret it (doubt I’ll ever be in this category), people who fall pregnant naturally (and quickly, like in first try – very annoying) but then face other dilemmas like abusive partners or their child gets cancer. Its actually a good book, quite a balanced outlook on having children, the ins and outs and how it works for some but not for others.

But there is one “golden thread” that runs through all the stories – in all the authors lives there is one big thing that happens to them in their lives. Whether it be infertility, working through an abusive lifestyle, financial difficulties, dealing with cancer, dealing with ones own parents, dealing with an ill parent, dealing with feelings of inadequacy etc. There is always something that happens to all of them. It appears that life is never plain sailing. The fairy tale of meeting a prince, getting married, having kids and living happily ever after is very often just that – a fairy tale. Wow, how jaded Ive become….(I hate the bitterness I feel for all my years lost thanks to infertility).

With infertility so much the focus of my life, this book has actually shown me that I need to start seeing the wood from the trees. I often feel a pang of jealousy as I see my neighbour’s kids running and playing or that cute family in the store pushing the baby pram and another on the way. The problem is what kind of lives are behind the façade? What is the thing they are dealing with? My issue though is do you think that infertility is a big enough thing to deal with in a lifetime? Because I sure hope it is.

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5 comments so far

  1. samcy on

    I have no cooking clue! BUT I am glad she was your cross poster – this song is SO apt.

    Thinking of you as you plough through the 2ww.

    xxx

  2. Mystery Xpol Blogger on

    dee’s post is up now for all of you dee-fans looking to read what she wrote! The large time difference really messes with the cross pollinating! hehe

    I commented annonymously so as not to give anything away 🙂

  3. PottyMouthMommy on

    wow- that song really is sooooo apt.

    No idea whatsoever who wrote the post, but I’m glad they did- it’s perfect!

  4. geohde on

    I have to admit I would be stuck if I did not have the master list, but thank you for this post Mystery Blogger. ANd the song.

    g

  5. Sarah on

    That song is beautiful – and I’ve never listened to the words before, but they are perfect.


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