Update

Im feeling very low. As Murphy’s Law predicts my donor cycle didn’t pan out as expected. Which is pretty typical seeing as though I was in on the cycle, the bearer of bad cycles. My donor produced her least amount of eggs in the 4 cycles that she has cycled – 11 at retrieval, which meant I got 5. Not bad, I was hoping for 5 so I was happy with that. Until the next day I was told only 3 were mature (they apparently split the eggs before checking for maturity). All 3 were ICSI’ed only 2 fertilised. By day 3 we had a 7 cell average looking embie with a bit of fragmentation and a 4 cell excellent looking embie – greater looking than Ive ever produced but still it hadn’t split any further from the day before. Now we wondering if it is indeed a sperm problem. My donor had better embies and was able to transfer 2 and freeze one. I just don’t know which way to turn anymore. Each way I turn I get myself into a deeper and deeper mess and I actually feel bad for my donor who shared her eggs with me, this is afterall her 4th cycle and Im sure she also wants this nightmare to end.

Im trying my best to stay positive, Ive googled “success stories 4 cell embryos” mainly because Ive pinned my hopes on that one, it looked good, I just hope it continues to grow. Test date is the 18th Dec. Im not sure how many more times I can do this. Ive started thinking about living child-free, just me and my wonderful hubby. Do we need kids? Will this ache for a baby ever leave me? We are both 30 so I guess we are entitled to change our minds later in life but right now I think Ive had enough. I cant do this anymore. 4 own egg cycles and 2 DE cycles is enough to make you mad.

Then I read this post, written by Marna from PVED: “As I held him next to my chest and felt his breath upon my face – while the love for him just coursed through my body those huge horrible dark feelings of sadness came barrelling through because I KNEW what I had been missing out all those years of trying to have a baby. So that’s what I cry about now – all the years I lost. I can’t ever get those years back.”

Will I ever get to experience this kind of love? Will I look back and regret that I didn’t just suck it up and try until we get that BFP that sticks around? Surely the law of averages applies and as I approach the double digits of number of IVF cycles our BFP must be nearby? Its not for lack of trying but maybe its just plain and simply not meant to be.

PS Yes, I realise how negative I sound and I know you going to tell me that there is still hope, which yes, I know, there is.

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