Im feeling very low. As Murphy’s Law predicts my donor cycle didn’t pan out as expected. Which is pretty typical seeing as though I was in on the cycle, the bearer of bad cycles. My donor produced her least amount of eggs in the 4 cycles that she has cycled – 11 at retrieval, which meant I got 5. Not bad, I was hoping for 5 so I was happy with that. Until the next day I was told only 3 were mature (they apparently split the eggs before checking for maturity). All 3 were ICSI’ed only 2 fertilised. By day 3 we had a 7 cell average looking embie with a bit of fragmentation and a 4 cell excellent looking embie – greater looking than Ive ever produced but still it hadn’t split any further from the day before. Now we wondering if it is indeed a sperm problem. My donor had better embies and was able to transfer 2 and freeze one. I just don’t know which way to turn anymore. Each way I turn I get myself into a deeper and deeper mess and I actually feel bad for my donor who shared her eggs with me, this is afterall her 4th cycle and Im sure she also wants this nightmare to end.

Im trying my best to stay positive, Ive googled “success stories 4 cell embryos” mainly because Ive pinned my hopes on that one, it looked good, I just hope it continues to grow. Test date is the 18th Dec. Im not sure how many more times I can do this. Ive started thinking about living child-free, just me and my wonderful hubby. Do we need kids? Will this ache for a baby ever leave me? We are both 30 so I guess we are entitled to change our minds later in life but right now I think Ive had enough. I cant do this anymore. 4 own egg cycles and 2 DE cycles is enough to make you mad.

Then I read this post, written by Marna from PVED: “As I held him next to my chest and felt his breath upon my face – while the love for him just coursed through my body those huge horrible dark feelings of sadness came barrelling through because I KNEW what I had been missing out all those years of trying to have a baby. So that’s what I cry about now – all the years I lost. I can’t ever get those years back.”

Will I ever get to experience this kind of love? Will I look back and regret that I didn’t just suck it up and try until we get that BFP that sticks around? Surely the law of averages applies and as I approach the double digits of number of IVF cycles our BFP must be nearby? Its not for lack of trying but maybe its just plain and simply not meant to be.

PS Yes, I realise how negative I sound and I know you going to tell me that there is still hope, which yes, I know, there is.


15 comments so far

  1. skrambled on

    Ag no Dee, I’m sorry to hear this. I’m glad that you do feel that there is still hope and I still hope that the 18th brings better news. Try hang in there and think about making decisions when you have too.

  2. Abs on

    I’m so sorry Dee. I will keep hoping & praying for you! I know it’s a long hard road. I wish I could tell you it will all turn out ok. I will continue to keep hope alive in my heart for us all that it will be! xxx

  3. Bee Cee on

    So soory to hear things didn’t go as well as hoped. I am hoping your little embie gives you a great Christmas present.

    I totally hear you on the ‘what to do next’ situation. I tried 6 tries with my own eggs, then my 7th attempt was with a donor (not egg share though). It worked (well up to now). So you are right, the odds are now in your favour that it’s statistically your turn soon.

    I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

  4. Sharon on

    You don’t sound negative Dee! You sound like a woman trying to find answers in the midst of all the pain! But I’m really hoping and praying that you get your BFP!!!!

  5. Cedge on

    I wish this journey would be over for you very soon.

    Lotsa hugs.

  6. samcy on

    Dee, I truly pray that you do get to experience that level of love – sooner rather than later.

    Just a tale of 4 cells – at day 3 we had a 4 cell embie – it did not look good at all. As you know we grew them all on and our 4 cell which looked terrible on day 3 had come back shining and had become a compacting embryo – apparently of “excellent” quality… so you just never know.

    You and DH are in my thoughts and prayers. Always.


  7. peanuttam on

    Thinking of you. I’m sorry that nothing ever seems to go as planned.

    I too am praying that little 4 cell makes that baby that you will love more than you could know.

    Lots of love and hugs xxx

  8. Jen on

    Thinking of you. {hugs}

  9. Gail on

    Thinking of you my friend. I really hope this works for you!!!

  10. Melissa G on

    I’m sorry you didn’t get the number of embies you had hoped for. It’s really surprising that they split them before they knew how many were mature…

    Dee, I know how frustrating it is to hear all the sunshiney goodness, when you just want to be realistic. So no enthusiasm from me. Please just know I’m thinking of you, and hoping for the very best. Hugs.

  11. Lara (NoodleGirl) on

    I’m having my own battle with hope today so I can totally relate to this post. It really sucks that your clinic split the eggs before checking for maturity — it’s not something I would ever think to have asked about but it seems like the fairest thing would be to check first. I’m praying this works out for you, it’s time for you to catch a break. Many, many P&PTs!

  12. Sunshine on

    God, it’s just more of a kick in the @ss when it’s donor eggs and they cycle doesn’t turn out the way you had hoped. CR@P. Ok, let’s just wait and see…


  13. jill on

    I have not done IUI or IVF but I have felt like this so many times. My heart ached just reading your post. I’m sorry you are having a tough time and really, that you are having to experience IF at all…

    Hoping for you!

  14. LastChance on

    Yes, there’s still hope. But does it take away from the pain of all you’ve been through? Does it make it OK that this cycle you still have had to suffer some disappointments? No. And reading that paragraph just made my heart ache for all I don’t think I’ll ever get to experience.

    But yes, there is still hope. Hoping and hoping for you!

  15. ttcnot2easy on

    I’m sorry your cycle has not gone according to plan. I think that you are quite entitled to your feelings. At age 30, I also started to envisage life without kids – and now at 34, I want them more than anything – so your emotions will still take you on a bit of a roller coaster. Wishing you everything that is fabulous – and hoping that you start feeling better and happy soon. xxx

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