Do you ever feel…

totally and utterly saddened by infertility? Like will this EVER freaking end? Is there an end in sight? Like wondering if becoming a mom is a dream and thats what it will always be? Deep, deep down I know I will be a mother but on days like today I just wonder HOW, WHEN??

How much more money, stress, frustration, heartache, tears, anger, jealously, hate, decisions, depression, desperation, pills, injections, scans, drips, doctors, embryologists, lab reports, embryo reports, fert reports, semen analysis reports, vitamins, supplements, research papers, googling, forums, discussions, therapists, acupuncturists, reflexologists, birth announcments, birthdates, due dates, preggie bellies and baby talk do I need to get through to get THERE????

There is an ache in the pit of my stomach that has been with me since we started ttc, since January 2006. It went away for a very short blissful time when I was once pregnant 2 years ago. The ache of infertility was GONE, will I ever be back there? Will I ever feel like a whole, healthy, normal woman?

I read a blog the other day, The Art of Being Infertile. I love this blog, Tabi is expecting her first baby through surrogacy with donor egg. What I have copied and pasted below really spoke to me and I really apprecaite these kinds of postings by people “on the other side”. It keeps me going, reminds me why Im still doing this, even when I start feeling like a robot, I just need to keep that healthy baby picture in my mind and never, ever let go of it.

“So as my friend faces the same question we have all faced, “What do I do next?” I so desperately wanted to say some words of comfort that would really comfort. I want to be able to convey to her and anyone else out there that at some point the bad luck will end. At some point all this effort will get you to a solution. When I was struggling with each IVF, it was so easy for me to feel like I was wasting my time. It was so easy to feel like the bad luck would never end even when it ended for other people. I think back and I am not sure any fertile person ever said to me emphatically, “Keep trying.” No one in the “haves” club ever said with confidence for me to continue, as I am sure most felt pain to watch me struggle. There was a lot of sympathy, but no rallying for the cause. I think it could have helped to hear once in a while from others a certain confidence that I should keep trying for my family, however it works out. To actually say those words to someone is very powerful.
I know I can’t expect others to know how this all feels, but I do in fact know how it feels and I want to be able to say comforting and real words to those struggling through infertility. As the quotation above says, we don’t know how much strength we have until we push through that obstruction. So I guess my message to those still trying hard for their baby is don’t stop trying. I am saying to you that despite failure, don’t stop. Keep finding ways to try, even if it pushes you to where you never thought you could go. Do not give up. Every single person going through infertility has this drive to break through obstructions – you live it everyday, you prove it everyday.”

10 comments so far

  1. Abs on

    I completely get were you are coming from Dee. Sometimes it all seems like such a pipe dream. Once upon a time before this TTC journey started I used to think that infertility happend to other people, not to me. Now it’s the other way around and I feel like pregnancy happens to other people but not to me. Sometimes I wonder how far we will have to go to achieve our dream or if we will ever get there. I know that if ever we do succeed it will be the greatest reward imaginable. I wish I could fast forward and tell you it will all be ok. Dont give up Dee. I beleive you will get there! xxx

  2. apieceofwood on

    Very timely post, having just had the nightmare 4th cycle from hell… As low as I feel right now and at times, desperate, I am not and will not give up, not yet.. I am not beaten and will keep going.

  3. Delenn on

    Coming from 11/11 post on Stirrup Queens. I sympathize with a lot of what you are going through right now. We dealt with Secondary Infertility for over 6 years. Very long years that made me question everything about myself and my life. Wishing you a light at the end of your tunnel.

  4. Melissa G on

    Oh Dee, I get it. I SO get it… Your second paragraph resonates everything I have been feelingly so deeply for the last few weeks. I’m sorry that we’re in this place together and I hope we both get our wishes very soon.


  5. Jen on

    I’m with you. I sometimes feel black and blue inside from the infertility smackdown we get. {hugs}

  6. cindyhoo2 on

    I hear you. The fears of staying in infertility land forever get overwhelming some days. But somehow this will end and we will get our happy endings.

  7. Elize on

    I love your post Dee, but as for me, maybe I’m weak and not strong enough, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. For me, just for now the pain of infertility has ended, it ended with my decision to stop. I just couldn’t handle the pain anymore.

    I really hope your cycle brings success and that your pain will come to an end, and you’re so right, being pregnant does heal some of the hurt of infertility, if only it lasted.

  8. Sharon on

    I get it. I so know what you’re saying about the sadness. But like Elize, I have to concede that perhaps I too am too weak to get to the other side.
    I have learned that although many women do get to the other side, happy endings aren’t meant for all of us.

  9. samcy on

    I think anyone who has battled IF has had these feelings of Every day in some way we have them.

    Hope you get to the “other side” sooner rather than later my dear.

    Thinking of and praying for you.


  10. Blondie on

    YES YES YES! I feel that way a lot. And I feel like I don’t want this to be my LIFE forever. I’m ready for this chapter to close! To move on, to be a mother! Hopefully it will happen for both of us soon 🙂

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