It all started with a punch

No, not a physical punch, a real punch, no not the alcoholic kind (I wish) the kind you make holes in paper with. A while back I bought myself a cool stationery set, a punch, stapler etc all matching and in this see-thru plastic. I thought it was cool. This morning my DH decided it would be a good idea to use my punch to start filing some documents away. I was busy making breakfast and slightly irritated that he decided to start his filing NOW, but anyways I get on his case for not doing it so now I didn’t want to get on his case FOR doing it. I hear the punch is struggling a bit to get through the fat pile of documents so I ask him to please not break my punch, which he then proceeds to do.

 

I fucking L.O.S.T it.

 

I was so mad with him that I threw the broken punch outside with such force that all the springs fell out. He then picked it up and started trying to fix it. It was too much for me, that damn punch represents me. Im b-r-o-k-e-n you see. My body is broken. Im like that stupid punch – springs falling out all over the place, no-one quite knowing how to fix me or what to do with me, should we keep it and hope we can fix it? Or should we just chuck it out and forget about it?.

 

My poor DH was even trying his best to put everything back together, just as he does with me. Ive never been so angry and sad at the same time. I drove to work with the tears streaming down my face, actually laughing at the ridiculousness of comparing myself to a broken punch, this is my life and what its become.

 

The above reaction was obviously spurred on by our visit to the fertility clinic yesterday. It was a bit emotional to be back there AGAIN, sitting infront of the co-ordinator AGAIN, going through all the costs AGAIN, working out when to stop the pill AGAIN. Whats that saying? “Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over with the same results”. Well then Im certainly stupid.

 

I read a couple blogs where the person is getting ready for an upcoming cycle, donor or own eggs. Im amazed at what these people do, drink wheatgrass, fish oil, fertility tea, gym, cycle, run, eat organic food, put hot compresses of their stomachs, no chocolate, coffee, WINE, weekly acupuncture, reflex, massages, listen to hypnotherapy, visualise etc etc etc. I don’t do any of that. Why? Two reasons – Ive done it all before (the last 5 times) and if I do all of the above Ill be reminded much more often that Im about to start another cycle. Right now it seems much easier to just think about it when I have to and drink another glass of wine. I read a post the other day of someone who got a BFP on their 12th (TWELTH) IVF. Good grief, hats off to her. Ive always said that I’ll do whatever it takes to have a baby but now I just don’t know if I can but whats the alternative? Not acceptable that’s what.

 

So I start L.ucrin in about 2 weeks, Ive opted for the daily injection rather than the depot, nothing like a daily injection but the Depot is what made my cycle go to 53 days and also didn’t make me feel too good a few days after getting it. My donor is starting the pill soon, the cycle will get cut short by a day or two or else it means testing on Christmas day which is just not on. Please, pretty please can Santa bring me the best Christmas present ever?

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8 comments so far

  1. apieceofwood on

    Just big hugs really.. I have everything crossed for the best Christmas present ever for you..

  2. skrambled on

    Ah, okay. Good luck I will be thinking of you.

  3. Sharon on

    Sorry, but I did laugh at the punch analogy, especially about throwing it so hard, mostly cos that’s pretty much how I’m feeling at the moment.
    As for all the complimentary BS that goes along with IVF, Dee, that’s the the newbs honey! Girls like us have been there and done that and it didn’t make darn bit of difference! So you just do whatever you need to get through the IVF and screw the rest!

  4. samcy on

    Ai tog, the whole no wine cos I’m cycling thing – so last year honey! I too have not given up my wine or good food etc for our next treatment cos you know what? It did no good last time so why not continue life as normal?

    I hope you get a great Xmas present my friend. It’s about time.

    Thinking of you.

    xxxx

  5. Leigh from 123 blog on

    Last year we tested on Christmas Eve. Just in case of a negative I told everybody i was not “doing” Christmas. Usually i host and the house is full of people and happy smiling faces which I just could NOT put up with and that was only my 2nd.

    Thank goodness it was positive. So my friend, I am SOOOO holding thumbs for you – hope you and hubby get the best Christmas present ever this year!

  6. Elize on

    (((HUGS))) Dee, Hope you have stunning news on Christmas.

  7. Abs on

    I feel like a broken punch too Dee! Sometimes I wish DH would just throw me out and get it over with for everyones sake! This journey really makes us feel worthless and broken beyond repair. Holding thumbs for good news for you over Xmas! xx

  8. strongblonde on

    😦 i’ve been following along, but unable to comment. i wanted to let you know that i’m thinking about you.

    xoxo


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