I got up at exactly 3:33am, decided not to prolong the agony any longer, pee’d on 2 different sticks. Stood hovering over the test while it developed. Watching the control line like a hawk. And yet again in the 4 years of ttc I saw nothing, just stark whiteness. Waited a few more minutes. Turned to my husband, shook my head, we stood hugging one another like we always do when we get a negative result. And went back to bed, it was 3:44am. It took 11 minutes to crush my heart again.

Next steps?

1. Drink until I forget.

2. Say farewell to my current clinic. I know they have gotten it right with literally thousands of other women but they haven’t found the magic recipe for us. Whats that saying? Three strikes and you out, well six strikes makes you double out.

3. I have found a clinic in Jhb that does a sperm fragmentation test. Its not the same as the one in the USA but it will at least give us an indication of what we are looking at and also at a fraction of the price (thanks to the commentors/emails on my previous post, Ive learnt a lot about fragmentation). Already made an appointment for the 13^th January.

4. Never give up.

What fucked with my head is the fact that I had pretty much come to terms with the fact that this cycle was a bust. The first week and a bit I got on with things, knowing what the result was likely to be. Then the last few days Ive had every fricken pregnancy symptom known to man. Sore, tender breasts, burning nipples, lower back ache, funny taste in my mouth, sharp shooting cramps, hunger pangs, tiredness, nausea etc etc and then my friend Hope came to visit. I started thinking what if this actually did work? That’s the worst part, the let down.

My hubby and I just sat this morning starting into space. I said to him I just don’t know what to say anymore, there are no words anymore for this. And in the words of a friend of mine, its ridiculous now. Its becoming a joke. I actually cant tell people anymore how many IVF’s Ive done because Im embarrassed! How absolutely devastatingly sad is that?

Just when you think that you may have found the answer to your problems, another one crops up. My RE called me a few days ago. Strange hey? Because unless they discovered that they put the wrong embryos back into me why would he call during the 2ww? And he starts with “Are you sitting down?”

Me: Ja, why?

Dr: I think we have a sperm issue.

Me: Oh? Why do you think that?

Dr: Because this past cycle was the best comparison [he called it a diagnostic tool]. We had eggs from the same person and 2 different sources of sperm. Your donor’s embryos did better than yours. A slow growing embryo is normally indicative of poor sperm parameters coming from the paternal genome.

Me: So you have no hope for this cycle?

Dr: No, that’s not what I said, there is still hope but I think next time, should this cycle not be successful, we should try [wait for it]……………………………………….

I.U.I with donor sperm.

Yes people you read it right. Well blow me over with a fricking feather. You do know that IUI involves my eggs right? The eggs that come from me? So why have I just done two donor EGG cycles? At a cost of I dunno, roughly R80 000??? (around $10 000)

Who needs a casino when you can be a fertility specialist? Don’t you know how much fun it is to gamble with people’s money and emotions?

Sometimes I wonder if they have any fricking idea what they are doing. This is all such a game of guessing.

Needless to say Im pissed.

My husband is not happy to hear this news as all along we knew there was a small morphology problem but with ICSI that isn’t an issue.

So what did I do? Went to the best doctor in the world – Dr. Google

And what did Dr Google say? A lot. Basically we are going to send a sample of my hubby’s sperm to a lab in the USA, South Dakota called SCSA Diagn.ostics. The Sperm_Chromatin_Structure_Assay test is done to determine the amount of DNA fragmentation in sperm. You can read more about it here. Its obviously an expensive exercise but if you didn’t know yet, Im made out of money. I have a money tree in my back garden infact.

[If anyone from the USA has any knowledge on this test, I would apprecaite anything at this stage. Or any blog authors who have done this test? So I can see if its worthwile?]

Obviously we will wait for the test results next week Friday before we do any of this but that’s the plan.

Cool hey?